14 year old actively trying to get pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hoping someone can give me some advice.
Sorry if it’s in the wrong place.

Has anyone had a 14 year old get pregnant?

My daughter behaviour has deteriorated since she met a boy 3 weeks ago.

To the point we now have social services involvement as she told the school I hit her on a regular basis (I don’t)

Had the police out every day last week as she was running away.

She is now actively trying to get pregnant.
Refusing to take the pill or morning after pill.

Does anyone know what happens if she gets pregnant? Can she move somewhere like a mother and baby unit?

Can she claim money?

I’m at my wits end and my mental health is really suffering.

I’ve tried talking to her about how hard it would be and that she should get her educations first, school have tried talking to her. She’s not listening.

Apparently this boys parents are actively encouraging it.

Social services or the police won’t help me. I can’t lock her up in the house as she shoves me and I have my 10 year old here.

I’m so lost and scared. Can anyone help?

Are you sure there really is a 13 year old boy? As in, are you certain that there isnt a much older man / boy involved and the young lad is just there as a cover?

@Lifeinthescratcher

Tell social services you are no longer willing to have her at home, they will either be more helpful or put her in to care. Hopefully the first. Google level 4 services and charties in your area or NW that may ba able to advise you. Silly girl!

Tried that with mine when I hit the point of desperation. They told me they'd view it as abandonment and threatened to then go after my other kids. Which there was no issue with, never was and still hasn't been.

Go to her school and ask for "early help" intervention.

They might offer some constructive help.

We used to have one of those 24 hour real life babies at my previous school I taught in. They soon open your eyes up to what having a baby is like

@cantseethelight82

Ask SS to put a voluntary supervision order in place. She'll go and stay somewhere with qualified staff who will look after her, giving you time and headspace to think and knowing that support is in place. Staffing is usually 1-1 with overnight staff too so she'd have a smaller risk of getting away to meet him.

They’ve told me they can’t do this, keep trying to get me to palm her off on family, I actually have non bar my nan!! I asked for a few days respite and they said no.

@Lifeinthescratcher

Tell social services you are no longer willing to have her at home, they will either be more helpful or put her in to care. Hopefully the first. Google level 4 services and charties in your area or NW that may ba able to advise you. Silly girl!

I have tried this, they accepted this from her dad but basically told me I have to deal with it.l!

@Jowel
My dd and the bud have both admitted about his parents, just grabbing something to eat and will be reporting to police tomorrow

@Funnylittlefloozie

Are you sure there really is a 13 year old boy? As in, are you certain that there isnt a much older man / boy involved and the young lad is just there as a cover?

Definitely a 13 year old boy, him and my daughter threatened me last week

@indecisivewoman81

Go to her school and ask for "early help" intervention.

They might offer some constructive help.

We used to have one of those 24 hour real life babies at my previous school I taught in. They soon open your eyes up to what having a baby is like

Actually just got off the phone with the school, they have thankfully heard my cries for help, Finally! Her time table will be changed, every day she will be going to a safe space for a cup of tea and the lady there is a young children’s mental health worker. She met my dd today, is going to spend the next week or so gaining my daughters trust, then is going to try and get her to open up. They will keep me informed every step of the way. In the mean time I will ring cahms, I know I dismissed it earlier but there’s different help out there for teens and this is a different situation now. So I need to do everything in my power to get my child help, The social worker is doing Jack shit, I’ve got more numbers from the nspcc in 1 phone call than I have from the social worker in 8 days!!!

Sounds like she wants to be at home when it’s school time but out with her bf when schools closed.

This all seems to stem from the assault. Hopefully you’ll be able to move house/school ASAP.

She’s likely very scared to be in school so she’s become this “bad ass” so nobody can hurt her and added a bad add boyfriend with a bad ass family. I just hope you can move before it gets worse.

@TheChip
Exactly the same with me, wanted me to palm my little one of on someone, not happening!!!
She’s keeping me focused and sane at the moment. And giving some awesome hugs!!
I’m more focused today.
Still not slept! 🤦‍♀️

@Horst

Sounds like she wants to be at home when it’s school time but out with her bf when schools closed.

This all seems to stem from the assault. Hopefully you’ll be able to move house/school ASAP.

She’s likely very scared to be in school so she’s become this “bad ass” so nobody can hurt her and added a bad add boyfriend with a bad ass family. I just hope you can move before it gets worse.

I agree with everything you have said! It’s just getting her to admit this now so we can get her to open up and help her. Yes I need to move, Fingers crossed I’ll get a decision on moving by the end of the month! Have started clearing out in anticipation!!

The child abandonment thing is a threat that they use to try and scare decent parents into hanging onto their kids as long as possible. If you are begging Social Services for help (keep a written record) and asking them to accommodate her under a Section 20, IIRC, then a charge of child abandonment wouldnt stand up in court for a moment.

Problem is, there aren't actually a lot of interventions that will work with an angry and disengaged adolescent in the community. Short of giving every child a 24/7 mentor, what could they do? That's why they focus on things like parenting and protecting the siblings, because those things CAN work sometimes. I work with a lot of young men who have all followed virtually the same path; disengagement from family, getting out of control, secure training centres, YOIs and finally prison. By the time they get as far as me, its about as bad as it can get. All of them will tell you the same story - there wasnt really anything anyone could have done at the time, because they knew best. The stories told by PPs here are much the same, albeit a bit less dramatic - they only stopped being arseholes when they were ready to, not because adults managed to talk them out of it. All you can do is solve the problems around them.

So, keep phoning the police, each and every single time she runs away. If you can possibly get hold of her phone or break into any social media she might have, see what names, details, anything, you can glean. Search her room when she is out, or refusing to come home. Do you know any of her friends? Would any of them talk to you and give you some idea of whats going on? Who attacked her at school? Did something happen over the summer that might be connected to all this?

Sorry, i know ive asked a million questions and put some awful ideas in your head, but there may just be a way through to her in all that, somehow.

Who or what is hurting her to make her do this? Something is going on.

@Funnylittlefloozie

The child abandonment thing is a threat that they use to try and scare decent parents into hanging onto their kids as long as possible. If you are begging Social Services for help (keep a written record) and asking them to accommodate her under a Section 20, IIRC, then a charge of child abandonment wouldnt stand up in court for a moment.

Problem is, there aren't actually a lot of interventions that will work with an angry and disengaged adolescent in the community. Short of giving every child a 24/7 mentor, what could they do? That's why they focus on things like parenting and protecting the siblings, because those things CAN work sometimes. I work with a lot of young men who have all followed virtually the same path; disengagement from family, getting out of control, secure training centres, YOIs and finally prison. By the time they get as far as me, its about as bad as it can get. All of them will tell you the same story - there wasnt really anything anyone could have done at the time, because they knew best. The stories told by PPs here are much the same, albeit a bit less dramatic - they only stopped being arseholes when they were ready to, not because adults managed to talk them out of it. All you can do is solve the problems around them.

So, keep phoning the police, each and every single time she runs away. If you can possibly get hold of her phone or break into any social media she might have, see what names, details, anything, you can glean. Search her room when she is out, or refusing to come home. Do you know any of her friends? Would any of them talk to you and give you some idea of whats going on? Who attacked her at school? Did something happen over the summer that might be connected to all this?

Sorry, i know ive asked a million questions and put some awful ideas in your head, but there may just be a way through to her in all that, somehow.

Thankyou for this, I shall try and answer your questions as best I can, any help is appreciated.

Will absolutely phone the police every time. And have been, she hasn’t run this week yet! Can’t get into her phone, you need a passcode AND Face ID! Bloody technology, social has said I cannot confiscate her phone. 🤦‍♀️
I’ve searched her room, didn’t find a thing. Wishing I’d have found condoms tho that’s for sure!!
She has a best friend that she’s now bullying and pushed away, to the point this poor girl is moving schools.
She has been very good in giving me as much info as poss, although dd had cottoned on and this is why she’s been nasty to the girl.
2 girls from the school attacked her at the park one afternoon.
They did not get punished. Police had a word with the parents who were seen laughing about it after.
I cannot pin point anything over the summer, she didn’t even know this boy then, everything was lovely! Well I say that actually that’s when she started stealing from me.
And help you can give would be amazing!!

@Awalkintime

Who or what is hurting her to make her do this? Something is going on.

Trust me I’m busting my gut trying to find out. I want my baby back.

@TheChiefJo

I believe you OP.

PP all saying that the police take missing child reports seriously every time: hollow laugh.

Not if a child runs away regularly and refuses to go home. Once police think they (children) aren't being held against their will, they back off. This is why grooming gangs are able to operate.

Complete nightmare.

I believe it.

One very early morning I found a non verbal child covered in cuts in the street (ds is a swimmer so we leave the house early).

Police took an hour to arrive.

Glad you're finally getting somewhere.

It makes me so mad that the answer is always to remove the children who are safe and secure to care and leave the child who has problems and is unsafe at home.

It's about time they recognised child on parent abuse as domestic abuse the same way as they acknowledge it adult on adult.

If an adult stays with a violent partners they'll threaten to remove the children - as they should.

So it makes no sense to remove the children and leave a violent minor in the house when you want the minor removed.

Sounds absolutely horrendous what you have been going through. Have you met the BF? Is he definitely 13 years old. She’s not being groomed by an older person through her BF is she?

The more you write OP, the more it sounds like a really toxic culture amongst your DD and her year group at school.

Having been attacked like that must have shaken her to the core - a life changing event. She must be finding it hard to trust anyone. Perhaps not that hard to understand that she wants to arm herself with her bad boy BF and his nasty family. Sounds like she is quite desperate if she sees having a baby as way out of her school/friendship troubles.

Would de-registering her from school and letting her stay home on the condition that she engages with counselling services perhaps be an idea to consider?

Maybe not if school are helping, just wondering if removing her from the teen culture at school would give her a bit of breathing space to get over the trauma of the attack?

There is still the issue of the BF - but perhaps she wouldn't need him so much or want to go down the baby route if she's not at school and can get away from the whole thing?

@itsgettingwierd

Glad you're finally getting somewhere.

It makes me so mad that the answer is always to remove the children who are safe and secure to care and leave the child who has problems and is unsafe at home.

It's about time they recognised child on parent abuse as domestic abuse the same way as they acknowledge it adult on adult.

If an adult stays with a violent partners they'll threaten to remove the children - as they should.

So it makes no sense to remove the children and leave a violent minor in the house when you want the minor removed.

Thats exactly how I played it in the end. The police helped me thankfully.

These kind of situations flag up major flaws in the system. Because the effects of domestic violence on children is the same, whether its abuse from an adult or a minor. I also find it quite victim blamey, when as a parent you're being subjected to abuse and instead of helping you with it, they tell you that you must be doing something wrong and insist that you change your ways through parenting courses etc. Or removing the other children who are also victims.

This sounds, I hope you finally get some help for your DD. Remember to look after yourself as well

@bakebeans

Sounds absolutely horrendous what you have been going through. Have you met the BF? Is he definitely 13 years old. She’s not being groomed by an older person through her BF is she?

It’s come to light this evening that there may be an older person involved. Basically they are going to his house to have sex as well as at the parents house. I know the street name and the persons name, trying to find out how old he is. The bf is definitely 13, I’ve met him and been threatened by him.

@ChequerBoard

The more you write OP, the more it sounds like a really toxic culture amongst your DD and her year group at school.

Having been attacked like that must have shaken her to the core - a life changing event. She must be finding it hard to trust anyone. Perhaps not that hard to understand that she wants to arm herself with her bad boy BF and his nasty family. Sounds like she is quite desperate if she sees having a baby as way out of her school/friendship troubles.

Would de-registering her from school and letting her stay home on the condition that she engages with counselling services perhaps be an idea to consider?

Maybe not if school are helping, just wondering if removing her from the teen culture at school would give her a bit of breathing space to get over the trauma of the attack?

There is still the issue of the BF - but perhaps she wouldn't need him so much or want to go down the baby route if she's not at school and can get away from the whole thing?

Thankyou, The girls that attacked her are year 11. Dd is year 9. I cannot de register her from school as I work, and I need to work to keep a roof over our heads. Also as she’s a flight risk she’s safer there than here on her own. The school seem to have finally listened and stopped bashing me and are now trying to help. Social worker was supposed to ring today but didn’t, not that I’m angry with that, I think I’ve been more productive without her patronising me. I’m aiming to move area then will look into a different school for her.

@SaltedCaramelIcedLatte

This sounds, I hope you finally get some help for your DD. Remember to look after yourself as well

Not had time for myself!

My lovely friend has offered to have her for a weekend in a couple of weeks so I plan to sleep and slob about!
I think I can just about scrape by financially if I drop a day at work temporarily, so that’s something I will look into next week.

That must have been awful to hear that there's possibly another person involved.

It might be the push the professionals need to actually start taking this more seriously though.
Fingers crossed.
Your daughter is lucky to have you. She will see this eventually too!