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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
SinoohXaenaHide · 27/09/2021 11:22

You are being ridiculous. It is his body and his nails and calling it effeminate to colour ones nails is sexism. There are no matters of aesthetics, taste, colours or clothing that should be exclusively for men or exclusively for women. There are millions of women who have bo interest at all in nail varnish and they are no less female for just not being interested in that. It therefore follows that your DH is no less male if he likes a bit of colour on his hands.

catfunk · 27/09/2021 11:24

🙄 are you declaring your daughter gay/trans if she wants to play with a tractor or wear 'boys' trousers ?

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/09/2021 11:24

Oh, get a fucking grip. It's nail polish not bottom surgery. It's fun.

CRbear · 27/09/2021 11:24

I can see why he was annoyed. You pick and choose what “feminine” things he can do… I would be sad if my partner cared more about what their friends think than what I, their partner, wanted to do. You’re part of the problem of toxic masculinity. Have you asked yourself why you think nail polish makes him gay?

WoodchipNightmares · 27/09/2021 11:24

How would you feel if he offered such strong opinions on your personal appearance - for instance, if he opposed you cutting your hair short?

YABU

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:25

@catfunk

🙄 are you declaring your daughter gay/trans if she wants to play with a tractor or wear 'boys' trousers ?
She has tractors and wears trousers most of the time. I don't even really wear nail varnish myself it just strikes me as odd and I hate it
OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 27/09/2021 11:26

Hmm I dunno on this one. I can't explain why but I also wouldn't like it if my partner wore nail varnish. Yes of course it's his body etc but I wouldn't like it.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:26

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.

OP posts:
Etonmessisyum · 27/09/2021 11:26

Hope he tells you not to wear it too then
I never wear the stuff as it stinks and I don’t think it looks nice on anyone but if I was a man and I fancied wearing it I would and I don’t think you have the right to tell him what to wear etc. You should be ashamed at your attitude. Have a think about what you’re teaching your kid.

StMarysKettle · 27/09/2021 11:27

Your poor husband

PooWillyNameChange · 27/09/2021 11:28

If he's otherwise a great husband I probably wouldn't find him sexually unappealing because his little nail was a different colour.

Mynameismargot · 27/09/2021 11:28

Oh I like a little bit of nail polish and eyeliner on a man Blush I would never assume that nail polish=gay!
I think you need to ask yourself why it bothers you so much what other people think and why you put that before your dh.

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2021 11:28

I also think this is get a grip territory, and of course a man can wear nail polish. Why would that be humiliating for you these days?? My boys have come home from childcare with texta coloured nails at the ‘salon’ there.

THe only thing I can think of is that maybe you’ve picked up on lots of other subtle cues from him that make you anxious about his sexuality and this is just one thing in a long line of things. But it doesn’t sound like that’s true.

PinkFizz1 · 27/09/2021 11:28

@SinoohXaenaHide

You are being ridiculous. It is his body and his nails and calling it effeminate to colour ones nails is sexism. There are no matters of aesthetics, taste, colours or clothing that should be exclusively for men or exclusively for women. There are millions of women who have bo interest at all in nail varnish and they are no less female for just not being interested in that. It therefore follows that your DH is no less male if he likes a bit of colour on his hands.
This.
PooWillyNameChange · 27/09/2021 11:28

Also not everything is about you...'embarrassing', 'humiliating', 'unappealing'...

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/09/2021 11:28

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
Oh, lovely. Not being ludicrously rigid in your gender binaries is being "politically correct" so you want someone to back you up with some delicious homophobia.

Many cultures have traditions and acceptance of men decorating their bodies in some way.

Ifailed · 27/09/2021 11:28

Your husband's appearance is none of your business, as is yours to him. butt out.

Fubitch · 27/09/2021 11:29

I would hate it, op. I like masculine men and would not be attracted sexually to a man who wore nail varnish. In my teens and 20s we all messed around with sexual stereotypes and I liked it then, but not now.

shouldistop · 27/09/2021 11:30

My dh is Iranian, 5yo ds1 often wears blue nail varnish. Dh doesn't care.
I don't think you could call Iran politically correct or down with the times.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:31

@PooWillyNameChange

Also not everything is about you...'embarrassing', 'humiliating', 'unappealing'...
Yes you are correct. Just being honest about how I feel. I hate it and I would hate even more for anyone in my family to see. I get that's shallow but it's how I feel.
OP posts:
Lookwhoseinsideagain · 27/09/2021 11:31

You're being a dick.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 27/09/2021 11:31

And what did he say when you asked him if he had anything to tell you? Wearing nail polish on one finger is a long way away from being transsexual/transvestite. (Yes I know we’re supposed to use the work transgender nowadays but the law still uses transsexual and they are two different things still.)

OneTC · 27/09/2021 11:32

At various times I've worn nail varnish, just cos i fancied it. Also used to do my pinky and thumb on the same hand

My partner and family are definitely from a culture that are very conservative, they didn't think omg he must be gay though cos they're kinda conservative not kinda stupid

fantasmasgoria1 · 27/09/2021 11:32

Does he like alternative or rock and metal music? Lots of men who are goth, metal etc wear black and dark nail polish. Even so I don't really think it's a problem. It's only nail polish.

MrsRobbieHart · 27/09/2021 11:32

Honestly, and I’m as gender critical as they come, I don’t believe in boys toys and girls toys etc. But honestly OP, I think he’s testing the waters and you can expect an announcement at some point. And I think you probably know this and that’s why you’ve had the reaction you’ve had.