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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
leavesthataregreen · 27/09/2021 11:57

Are there other things that t=you find effeminate about him? Nail polish really is no big deal. I know I'd feel uncomfortable if DH wore it, but only because it so doesn't fit with his character and look. It would come across as very weird. But if he decided to change his look and took to wearing artier clothes with nail polish too, it wouldn't matter at all. It's only body decoration.

FortunesFave · 27/09/2021 11:57

My friend's very masculine husband often has one or two nails painted and I have honestly never questioned it. Not once. He's an artist yes...but it's fucking up to him! I can't believe you consider him as your property and you 'let him' wear it once!

They're his hands! You don't get a say!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/09/2021 11:57

Really? I live in Glastonbury and loads of straight non trans men wear nail varnish. They think its edgy.

Sally090807 · 27/09/2021 11:57

Seems nowadays you’re not allowed to be honest about how you feel in case you upset someone but I totally agree, I would find a man wearing nail polish just weird.

00100001 · 27/09/2021 11:58

YABU

He can do what he likes.

unless of course you are perfect and don't wear trousers, or anythign remotely masculine????

Blindleadingtheblind · 27/09/2021 11:58

You sound homophobic and bigoted as fuck. If I was your husband I'd be leaving you. Controlling much?

Lifeisaminestrone · 27/09/2021 11:59

The problem is if he is lying to OP about his feelings - ie potentially being more to it than this, then the OP is being lied to, and her family’s life would be a farce.

We don’t know the full context of the situation.

Personally, I would have a chat with your husband try and understand his motivations, explain how it makes you feel (without blame) and find out from him too.

The OP is being honest on here feelings, but it’s not as if she is refusing him from wearing a particular outfit - she is worried about whether there is more to this.

Bonusjonas · 27/09/2021 11:59

@Strangevipers

I don't wear nail varnish unless it's a special occasion like a wedding because I think it's pointless and shallow so I'd find it hard to understand why my husband would want to
If it’s pointless and shallow why wear it to a wedding?
StormcloakNord · 27/09/2021 11:59

I hope your husband leaves you for his own sake.

You sound awful tbh.

PattyPan · 27/09/2021 12:00

Yabu. My DP actually owns nail polish and I don’t, his is that nail strengthening stuff though as he plays guitar. But if he wanted to go full Kiss or David Bowie with hair nails and makeup then that would be fine. Leaving your husband because he wants to paint his nails seems very extreme. Is his personality still the same?

snowspider · 27/09/2021 12:00

It wouldn't bother me at all. His body and ditto he can whatever clothes he likes, personal autonomy and all that.

I would expect the same for myself, I am a grown up who wears whatever I like and decide for myself if it's good for the occasion but have scant regard for what other people might think.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 12:00

@SirenSays

If your husband is gay or transgender stopping him from putting on some nail polish won't change that.
Yes of course. My point is he should let me know so we can separate and live our own lives. I don't want to waste years of my life with someone who secretly doesn't want me at all.
OP posts:
cuparfull · 27/09/2021 12:01

I agree, I wouldn't like it.. It's not the social norm.

Depends if he wants to stand out or fit in and, whether or not to embarrass his family in public.

You need to discuss the many outcomes.

DreadingItBadly · 27/09/2021 12:01

I agree with you OP. I would hate it and would let him know. Luckily, my DH is with me on that.
Men painting nails is not at all the same as women cutting their hair short or wearing trousers, for God's sake.

VeryLongBeeeeep · 27/09/2021 12:01

I can see both sides here. Objectively, nail varnish does not have to be a purely feminine artefact, and a man who likes the aesthetic effect of coloured nails should have as much right to wear it as a woman. Gender stereotypes do a lot of harm.

On the other hand and on a personal level, it would be an issue for me if my DH started wearing nail varnish if it were part of a wider move towards him adopting several feminine stereotypes. Nail varnish alone - not really a problem. But I don't like men who get off on 'sissification', wearing women's underwear etc; I find it a really unattractive and unpleasant kink (not least because it is very misogynistic) which would affect how I view my DH, and it may be the OP feels the same. It would be important for me to understand whether this was just a stand-alone aesthetic choice or a move towards embracing a number of feminine stereotypes.

rookiemere · 27/09/2021 12:01

I wouldn't like it but I can't really articulate why.

A tutor at a course a long time ago wore nail polish and it did make me wonder about his sexual preferences.

FlatteredFool · 27/09/2021 12:02

What colour is the nail polish?

Maybe your husband doesn't want a sexist wife 🤷🏼‍♀️

PattyPan · 27/09/2021 12:02

Why do you think him painting his nails means he doesn’t want you? Has he been distant?

DreadingItBadly · 27/09/2021 12:02

So YANBU at all

00100001 · 27/09/2021 12:03

@DreadingItBadly

I agree with you OP. I would hate it and would let him know. Luckily, my DH is with me on that. Men painting nails is not at all the same as women cutting their hair short or wearing trousers, for God's sake.
why?
LaBellina · 27/09/2021 12:05

Going against the grain here and likely will get flamed for this. I don’t care.

I also would feel weird about my husband wanting to wear nail polish if he was just a standardly dressed guy and not emo/gothic etc. Nail polish is so strongly associated with feminine style like lipstick (I would understand it if he had problematic skin and wanted to cover it with concealer or foundation) that I would wonder if he has any doubts about his gender identity, esspecially now with so many people coming out as trans / non binary. I honestly don’t know any straight guy that wears or would wear nail polish. Even my gay friend, who is very effeminate, won’t wear it unless he’s going out in drag. I wouldn’t care about what other people think of it. I would worry if he has any issues with who he is.

Biscuits1 · 27/09/2021 12:05

I agree with you, it would be weird for a 38 year old man to all of a sudden want to wear nail varnish. Most men I know of that age would never just start doing that due to male pride. I would be very suspicious of my DH doing this as it would be totally out of character. I am not against males wearing nail varnish though and suspect DS will do this when he's into his teens/20s as he likes the goth culture and I am not against this. However it would not match the personality of DH so it would make me very uncomfortable.

SparryG · 27/09/2021 12:05

Op reading your posts my gut reaction to this is.....you feel inside yourself that there is more to the nail varnish. You know your husband. It isn't easy but you understand what he is hinting at
I would encourage you to trust your instincts. If it feels like there's something else going on with him then there is.

Brefugee · 27/09/2021 12:06

I think you're being very honest, here, OP, although i do think you are very rigid in your ideas and wonder what it will be like with your daughter growing up if she wants piercings, tattoos and to shave her hair off.

He seems to want my blessing and I can only give him that if he isn't my husband anymore.

Reading your posts you really do seem to half-believe it's over already. Have you told your DH this?

MLMsuperfan · 27/09/2021 12:06

Gender policing is the problem here.