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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 27/09/2021 12:07

@VeryLongBeeeeep

I can see both sides here. Objectively, nail varnish does not have to be a purely feminine artefact, and a man who likes the aesthetic effect of coloured nails should have as much right to wear it as a woman. Gender stereotypes do a lot of harm.

On the other hand and on a personal level, it would be an issue for me if my DH started wearing nail varnish if it were part of a wider move towards him adopting several feminine stereotypes. Nail varnish alone - not really a problem. But I don't like men who get off on 'sissification', wearing women's underwear etc; I find it a really unattractive and unpleasant kink (not least because it is very misogynistic) which would affect how I view my DH, and it may be the OP feels the same. It would be important for me to understand whether this was just a stand-alone aesthetic choice or a move towards embracing a number of feminine stereotypes.

This ^^ would be my concern as well
CaptainCaveMum · 27/09/2021 12:07

@nailvarnishhubby I’m sorry the (culturally insensitive) cool mum woke crowd have been having a go at you.

You are not objecting to a random man wearing nail polish - this is about your DH.

I think you are saying that your husband wearing nail polish gives you the ick. I can understand that, we all have red lines. I think you need to explain to your husband that it is unattractive to you. Of course, there may be some reciprocal hard truths about how attractive he finds you - but a good marriage survives on good honest communication. Good luck.

Sally872 · 27/09/2021 12:07

Forget the nail polish, have a big conversation with him to try and find out if there is a bigger issue. Really listen because as hard as it might be I would need to know so we can deal with split and Co parenting or be reassured that he is not trans.

If staying together and sure it isn't a sign of another issue I would not be embarrassed or bothered about the nail polish or what anyone else thought of it.

user1471538283 · 27/09/2021 12:08

When I was a young woman it was cool for men to wear nail polish and a bit of eyeliner. I loved it. The men were most definitely straight and doing it for fashion reasons.

If my bf started wearing nail polish I would I admit find it a little odd because he has never shown any interest in anything like that. However, I think there is more going on with the OP here.

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 12:09

But do you have any other reason, other than the nail varnish, to think your husband is anything other than straight?

Username817391920384747 · 27/09/2021 12:09

I wouldn’t want my husband wearing nail varnish either but there is also nothing you can do about it OP 😫

whatswithtodaytoday · 27/09/2021 12:09

Personally I'd be delighted, I've been trying to get my partner to wear eyeliner and nail polish for 15 years :D We are both ex-goth rockers though, it's totally normal in our friendship group and no-one would think it mean he was gay or trans.

If you suspect your husband is, of course, that is a different matter and very little to do with the nail polish.

Chikapu · 27/09/2021 12:10

@Lookwhoseinsideagain

You're being a dick.
That really sums it up perfectly.
melj1213 · 27/09/2021 12:11

YABVVVVU

His body, his choice

Brefugee · 27/09/2021 12:11

Men painting nails is not at all the same as women cutting their hair short or wearing trousers, for God's sake.

WTF am i reading here? Why? Why isn't it? Because being like a man (trousers & short hair) = good and being like a woman (long hair, dress) = bad.

Gawd help the trouser wearing short haired women here with this kind of attitude. Marlene Dietrich was ARRESTED FOR WEARING TROUSERS around a hundred years ago. And now look at us? Doing man stuff and our uteruses are all fully intact (unless for other reasons).

There is no reason why men shouldn't do it the other way round. In summer long floaty skirts are great. A bit of concealer on tired, grey, spotty skin can make you feel much better going for a night out, why can't men do that?

Why is it ok one way and not the other? What is it about femaleness and feminine (!) looking outfits etc that takes something away from men but wearing boots and jeans and having short hair adds to women?

It is quite bizarre. But this attitude is exactly what trouser wearing women faced within living memory. The sooner all ideas of outward displays of gender are gone, and people dress how they like, will make the world a much happier place. Especially for those who are held back by conservative families/cultures.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 27/09/2021 12:11

XH used to grow his nails long, pointed and buffed. He had very small hands and it did make them look feminine. His general taste ran to baggy jeans and scruffy polo shirts. I did not tell him to cut them unless he was scratching me, but I did find them mildly repulsive.

Many of my friends did too and told him so (we were late 50s and used to commenting on each other’s appearance and lives).

MilduraS · 27/09/2021 12:12

Honestly? I'd find it a bit weird if my DH suddenly wanted to start painting his nails. On a man like Noel Fielding where it's part of his overall style it looks normal. On my DH who lives in jeans and polo shirts it would look a bit odd.

brittleheadgirl · 27/09/2021 12:12

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
Howling at 'down with the times'

Really feel for your dh, I suggest you get a grip asap and let him just be himself and not be so bloody ridiculous about something so trivial!

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 12:12

@Brefugee

I think you're being very honest, here, OP, although i do think you are very rigid in your ideas and wonder what it will be like with your daughter growing up if she wants piercings, tattoos and to shave her hair off.

He seems to want my blessing and I can only give him that if he isn't my husband anymore.

Reading your posts you really do seem to half-believe it's over already. Have you told your DH this?

We have been having problems anyway. We are on the edge trying to work things out. This is another issue but it's a red line for me.
OP posts:
Cheesepuff1 · 27/09/2021 12:12

@nailvarnishhubby surely if your family had any sort of problem with this, then it's for them to change / realise they're idiots and resolve their problem with it rather than asking your husband not to do something to his own body that he wants??

Tal45 · 27/09/2021 12:13

It could mean something (particularly if you are in a culture that frowns on being gay etc) or it could mean absolutely nothing. He could be bisexual, he could be arty, he could want to be a drag queen. Who knows. My DH is bisexual, didn't tell me for 18 years and lied plenty about it out of fear.

Personally I would leave him to wear nail varnish, it's too controlling to try to tell another person what to wear IMO. I'm assuming of course that he would be fine if you wanted to wear a short skirt and low cut top and dye your hair pink though - personal expression has to go both ways - so I'd check that one out with him.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 27/09/2021 12:14

Are there any other things that have raised your suspicions?

billy1966 · 27/09/2021 12:14

@MrsRobbieHart

He evaded answering as he has done in the past

Yep. Listen to your instinct here OP.

Listen to your gut.

If my husband of nearly 30 years started decorating his nails I would certainly be wondering what was going on and I certainly wouldn't find it attractive.

It's not the same as teens painting their nails black for a goth look, nor is it the same as boys playing salon!

butterpuffed · 27/09/2021 12:14

Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

I don't think that meant that he wants to wear makeup, he meant that you were being a hypocrite.

brittleheadgirl · 27/09/2021 12:14

So you're actually telling him what he can wear when you visit your family? Wow.
Imagine the situation reversed, stop being so controlling and support your dh if your family say anything unpleasant about him.

GemmaRuby · 27/09/2021 12:15

I’m with you OP. I wouldn’t like it if my husband wore nail varnish. I would wonder if this was the start of something bigger.

It’s not controlling to hope that your heterosexual DH is still heterosexual!

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 12:15

@Blindleadingtheblind

You sound homophobic and bigoted as fuck. If I was your husband I'd be leaving you. Controlling much?
How is it homophobic for me not to want to be married to a gay man???
OP posts:
Peppermint81 · 27/09/2021 12:15

Completely agree with you OP. I would find it incredibly weird (unless he was a goth or something)!
Does he do anything else particularly effeminate?

Yummymummy2020 · 27/09/2021 12:15

I’ll be honest I would not like it one bit and it would give me the Ick too. I don’t care or judge if anyone else’s husband wants to do it but it would turn me off mine. It might be small minded but it just would particularly if he wanted to do other stuff too.

DrSbaitso · 27/09/2021 12:15

He's got the right to dress and adorn himself how he likes, you've got the right to find it unattractive.

I would be enormously turned off too.