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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
Frankola · 29/09/2021 11:52

How ridiculous and narrowminded.
Your husband isn't an embarrassment. I'm sure you could do that for you both with your views.

How would you like it if he told you that you must only ever look a certain way?

Gonnagetgoing · 29/09/2021 14:57

[quote nailvarnishhubby]@Spindrifting it's just the way it's always been between us. We aren't often apart and when we are we say goodbye in our way- which is a hug, a kiss and a 'I love you'. Due to missed trains we said goodbye twice about an hour and a half apart and it was the same both times and we weren't in a rush.

I don't think I've been his beard to that extreme. If anything I suspect that perhaps (if he is having those feelings) it's something he is maybe considering exploring now. I don't want to be a part of that. I also don't wish to live without affection. There's a lot going on and it's hard to write it all out. I honestly only wrote this post to figure out if I was the weird one. Seems many think I am but not everyone which is a relief![/quote]
Sorry to hear this OP. It's never nice when a relationship is clearly over and maybe as you say he is considering exploring other feelings - whatever they are. I can quite see that you wouldn't want to be a part of that or to live without affection.

I was coming at this (as were a few other posters) as quite a few men I know - do wear makeup but they are in various industries where it's not frowned upon.

I don't think you are the weird one by any means but it can be hard to figure out what someone is saying if they don't tell the whole story (which you are entitled not to share with us!). Take care and good luck in future Flowers

Balonzette · 29/09/2021 15:18

I would NOT be okay with my husband wearing nail polish. It would make me feel less attracted to him for sure. People won't like this though, as we are all supposed to pretend we are cool with everything now, but I really wouldn't be happy about it!

MurielSpriggs · 29/09/2021 16:45

@Balonzette

I would NOT be okay with my husband wearing nail polish. It would make me feel less attracted to him for sure. People won't like this though, as we are all supposed to pretend we are cool with everything now, but I really wouldn't be happy about it!
Fair enough, @Balonzette, and I don't think anyone is expected to pretend they like things they don't.

There are men who don't find women in trousers attractive, women with tattoos, without makeup, etc

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/09/2021 16:49

I'd be fine with nail varnish on a partner. But then I find "normal" boring, I'm attracted to alternative guys.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 30/09/2021 00:26

Thanks for all the advice good and bad. Am about to name change now so this doesn't follow me about as I've realised I've commented on other threads with this silly one.

Anyway I accept now that this was a small part of the larger issues in my marriage. I have told him I no longer wish to with him in this way but hope we can co parent together.

As I expected he verbally attacked me ( I'm at my mums so this was on FaceTime) and told me I couldn't do it (raise our child etc) without him, that I couldn't cope. All the reasons it was my fault things weren't working and that I needed to be solution focussed and stop coming to him with problems. Went on and on but then I looked at his angry face and realised that in all his rant about how we shouldn't end none of that was because he loved me.

So that's that. I'm going home with our little one tomorrow and I hope and pray we can amicably work something out in regard to our child but truthfully - I know the sadness will come - I'm relieved it's finally over and I don't have to live with this cloud of confusion.

Best wishes to everyone who added their advice even the ones who slagged me off. I will be sure to check no future partners are into nail varnish before I entice them into my old fashioned web. Goodness random thought but I've not slept with another man in 14 years. What the hell will that be like?! Can't wait to find out. WinkBlush

OP posts:
Derbee · 30/09/2021 00:35

Wow, callous update. Good luck with your new life I guess. Enjoy the sex with new men Confused

Darkchocolateandcoffee · 30/09/2021 00:46

OP I would not be able to stay married to such a man either. Good luck.

Yoursaintlyglowofconcern · 30/09/2021 01:26

@Balonzette

I would NOT be okay with my husband wearing nail polish. It would make me feel less attracted to him for sure. People won't like this though, as we are all supposed to pretend we are cool with everything now, but I really wouldn't be happy about it!
What about when people put on a lot of weight is it ok for their partners to stop being attracted to them?
ducksalive · 30/09/2021 02:32

We can help making mean comments to our other halves about weight gain certainly.
I'm not sure that people have that much control over what they actually find physically attractive though.

It is always ok to stop being attracted to your DP, feeling attraction isn't something you can control.

What you do with that feeling of attraction is something you should be able to control. Likewise what you say if don't feel attraction is also under your control.

Roguehair · 30/09/2021 07:18

Good luck OP. Sounds like the marriage was over anyway and like you said he never once said he loved you during his rant. I can tell that you are trying to be strong so ignore the PP who called you callous. Sometimes we need to steel ourselves, or use humour to propel ourselves forward. You can do thisFlowers

billy1966 · 30/09/2021 08:09

Best of luck OP, it sounds like the marriage is indeed over.

Flowers
Frazzledd · 30/09/2021 09:03

Goodness random thought but I've not slept with another man in 14 years. What the hell will that be like?! Can't wait to find out.

You do sound relieved OP, I don't think this was ever about the nail polish, perhaps the straw that broke the camels or it gave you the out you needed....?

Anyway, all the best for the future!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 30/09/2021 09:08

Good luck OP. Don't over-focus on nailvarnish as such, it was the evasive answers when you tried to find out what it meant that were the real red flag. When you notice something that bothers you - nailvarnish or anything else - you should get an honest answer about what it really means to him. And if he doesn't know what it means to him, well that's an issue in itself.

I needed to be solution focussed and stop coming to him with problems

What a silly thing to say to his wife, straight out of some dodgy management manual. You can't have a sensible conversation with somone who spouts that kind of nonsense! Trying to parent amicably with him could be uphill work if that's how he communicates.

LJAKS · 30/09/2021 09:34

If you genuinely believe he might be gay, and are basing this on something other than liking nail varnish, because I'm sure you can see that's insane, then have a chat with him, maybe consider counselling. If you have suspicious about his sexuality that are deeper rooted that would explain a little why you are reacting in this way. My ex fiancé is a gay cross dresser. Took him 4 years to tell me. We didn't have kids so it was easier but I had to evaluate whether that was something I could work with or not, frank conversations required.

goawayalcg · 30/09/2021 09:34

What about when people put on a lot of weight is it ok for their partners to stop being attracted to them?

Of course it's "ok". We can't help what we are attracted to. It may be shallow, but I wouldn't be surprised one bit if my DH lost some attraction to me sexually if I put on a lot of weight. I make an effort to stay attractive to my husband and he absolutely does the same for me. Otherwise, how could we last? Sexual attraction is as vital in a long-term relationship as any other.

ColorMagicBarbie · 30/09/2021 19:28

Of course it's "ok". We can't help what we are attracted to. It may be shallow, but I wouldn't be surprised one bit if my DH lost some attraction to me sexually if I put on a lot of weight. I make an effort to stay attractive to my husband and he absolutely does the same for me. Otherwise, how could we last? Sexual attraction is as vital in a long-term relationship as any other.

Agreed.

Oblomov21 · 30/09/2021 19:31

I wouldn't like it. I like men who are very masculine and am not attracted to men who wear eyeliner and nail varnish etc.

PurplePattern · 30/09/2021 21:21

Good luck OP. Him not saying once that he loves you speaks volumes. I wish you all the best for the futureFlowers

JungleFever · 30/09/2021 21:48

Good luck OP, I think you dodged a bullet there and I agree with what you said too. 💐

RaisedByPangolins · 30/09/2021 23:02

@HerrenaHarridan

So if ops DH felt uncomfortable with her having short hair in case people thought she was a lesbian would you be arguing that she should do what she wants with her hair and he can manage his discomfort (and homophobia… because it fucking well is by the way)

Or would you se saying she should have to manage her long hair to prevent her dh feeling uncomfortable

Why do people feel like they get to make these decisions about other peoples bodies?

Marriage doesn’t mean you own someone or that they owe you looking a certain way

My DP prefers me with longer hair (bob length) rather than short. I take that on board and keep it at a longer length most of the time. If I have it cut he still loves me and finds me attractive of course, but I appreciate that he has a preference so I make sure its usually longer. If I were single I would probably leave it natural grey and have it short because that's how I would prefer it. In order to remain sexy to him I have it longer and balayaged. He would live in tracksuit bottoms with 3 days of stubble if he were single. In order to remain attractive to me he has a shave occasionally and changes out of his work out clothes into something clean and tidy! We all do things to make us more attractive to our partners. Yes its my body, but if I got a tattoo or a nose piercing I would expect some piss taking from him about it. I just wouldn't do it unless it was more important to me than him fancying me.
RaisedByPangolins · 30/09/2021 23:07

@Frazzledd

Goodness random thought but I've not slept with another man in 14 years. What the hell will that be like?! Can't wait to find out.

You do sound relieved OP, I don't think this was ever about the nail polish, perhaps the straw that broke the camels or it gave you the out you needed....?

Anyway, all the best for the future!

Indeed. It sounds like he didn't really care whether you found him attractive or not, so this was clearly the last straw for you both. My XH said he was going to shave all his body hair off as he didn't like it. When I told him I would find that really unattractive he said we didn't have enough sex for that to matter. It was the beginning of the end for me too! Good luck with it all OP. Oh and sex with a new man, scary as fuck, I was very self conscious of my 'mum tum' but after a while its like riding a bike, and shortly became the best ever!
Franticbutterfly · 30/09/2021 23:27

I'm not sure I'd be keen on my very masculine DH wearing nail varnish. But if he really wanted to then I would ignore it and slowly but surely get "the ick".

Aquafizzle · 01/10/2021 00:13

Would hate that OP. I'm with you.

SammyScrounge · 01/10/2021 02:16

Some things aren't able to be rationalised and this is one of them. She likes what she likes and vice versa . That's all there is to it.