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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 27/09/2021 11:32

I think you are being ridiculous and buying into gender stereotypes that ultimately hurt women.

I can completely see why your husband is cross about the double standard, and that you care more about what your friends think than what he wants.

My son asks for nail varnish when I put it on myself, and I wouldn’t mind if my husband wanted to wear nail varnish.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/09/2021 11:32

Divorce him then. Over nail polish. Good luck with that.

Or suck it up and spend some time unpacking why you can't tolerate a man enjoying having colourful nails without regarding it as a huge change in his sexuality. But not liking it does not mean you get to forbid it or pressure him to not do it.

crikey456 · 27/09/2021 11:32

I would find it really odd as well. Like you, I would probably be thinking along the gay lines (I know everyone is going to go mad about that comment). I think a lot of people on here try to pretend they would be fine with it, but how many women would really be totally fine about it if their husband suddenly started putting nail varnish on!

INeed2P · 27/09/2021 11:32

Hmmm, not sure on culturally - but personally, I wouldn't find my DP attractive with nail varnish on! It's a bit hipster for me on a 30+ year old man, I wouldn't ban him from doing it, but if he asked my opinion I'd be honest and say I didn't like it. There's things I like to wear he doesn't personally like (I love a giant oversized jumper!) but he would never tell me not to wear them, just that personally he's not a fan.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 27/09/2021 11:33

It’s his nails. Who cares?

He’s hardly tattooing his face (which I also think looks quite cool).

RisingSunn · 27/09/2021 11:33

OP I would also hate it. Complete turn-off.
However I think you were sending mixed messages with the make-up thing.

Hogwarts4Christmas · 27/09/2021 11:34

I understand what you mean and wouldn't be comfortable with it either.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:34

@SweetBabyCheeses99

And what did he say when you asked him if he had anything to tell you? Wearing nail polish on one finger is a long way away from being transsexual/transvestite. (Yes I know we’re supposed to use the work transgender nowadays but the law still uses transsexual and they are two different things still.)
He evaded answering as he has done in the past. I am genuinely wondering if there is more to it. He comes from a stricter culture than me - it's far far less acceptable in his world than mine and I suspect he would find it hard to admit it. Hence my concern about spending my life with someone who is actually living a lie
OP posts:
sillysmiles · 27/09/2021 11:35

@nailvarnishhubby

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.
What is your cultural tradition? I think men who wear nail varnish often have a certain style - like they were goths in their youth or are slightly grungy or metal head esque. I think on them I wouldn't notice it. On a very straight laced, suited conservative guy it would probably look odd to me, but more that I think the aesthetic doesn't work than anything being "wrong" with it.
Spiindoctor · 27/09/2021 11:35

Why does he want it? It's a complete pita as far as I'm concerned. Chips as soon as you do anything, starts to look scruffy. An odd thing for him to choose to do imv. Unless you are in an arty group of people who like unusual hair colour, styles, crossdress whatever.

TheHouseIsOnFire · 27/09/2021 11:35

If he’s generally a creative type and saw it as a way to decorate himself then I’d be ok with it. If it came from a place of wanting to look feminine I’d be more bothered by it. Not sure how I’d differentiate - maybe the colour?! So black nail varnish on short nails fine. Pink varnish on longer nails, not so fine. (And yes I know pink isn’t just a girl colour etc but in this instance it would make a difference to how I saw the nail varnish, as an artistic statement or a beauty treatment).

I do think the way you’re going about it is a bit nasty though. Being all “WTF?! Do you have something to tel me?” is unnecessarily confrontational. Could you have a sensible chat about it, ask him to be open with you and be understanding of him wanting to express his creativity - without it becoming full blown drag! I would get the ick if my DP wanted to wear women’s clothes for example but if he painted his nails in a manly colour I think I’d be ok with that. Although I can see why others may have different reactions.

SweetPetrichor · 27/09/2021 11:35

You're being completely irrational. It's not your place to tell him whether he can or can't wear nail varnish. It's not going to turn him gay, or make him trans. People aren't going to assume he's gay or trans either. It's not effeminate. Why on earth is it humiliating? Get a grip.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 27/09/2021 11:35

FTR, my DH started wearing nail polish over lockdown while WFH. I never paint my fingernails. Neither of us has had an attack of gender confusion and our marriage hasn't changed. Because it's nail polish.

I find a man not being terrified his dick will fall off if he dabbles with things labelled "feminine" to be attractive.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:35

@fantasmasgoria1

Does he like alternative or rock and metal music? Lots of men who are goth, metal etc wear black and dark nail polish. Even so I don't really think it's a problem. It's only nail polish.
No not at all
OP posts:
BurningBright7 · 27/09/2021 11:36

I am from a culture that’s not politically correct so I can see where you are coming from. Google black nail polish on guys, it’s pretty cool and you might change your mind about it’s appeal.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/09/2021 11:36

@CRbear

I can see why he was annoyed. You pick and choose what “feminine” things he can do… I would be sad if my partner cared more about what their friends think than what I, their partner, wanted to do. You’re part of the problem of toxic masculinity. Have you asked yourself why you think nail polish makes him gay?
This and others above. YABU. It's sexist and toxic. My DSs like to wear nail polish when their sister does. I honestly worry for them, but only because sooner or later they'll encounter someone with this horribly sexist attitude.

Is he a decent person, who isn't controlling, cares about you, shares the load, works hard, is loving, supports you? These are much more important characteristics for a man to have then does not wear nail varnish. And frankly any 'friends' that judged him for it aren't worth keeping .

MrsRobbieHart · 27/09/2021 11:36

He evaded answering as he has done in the past

Yep. Listen to your instinct here OP.

Freeloadingtosser · 27/09/2021 11:36

OP, was your impression that he was testing the waters for wanting to cross dress or something like that? I'm all for people wearing what the hell they like but accept it's a bit unusual for a man from a conservative culture to suddenly start experimenting with nail varnish, especially if you feel the colouring his nail in was a way to segue into that. Not saying he is wanting to cross dress, just I see why you feel it's a bit unusual.

Are there any other reasons for thinking this if you do, any other hints or clues? If not and you just feel embarrassed by the nail varnish in isolation and have no reason to think anything else is going on then yes, frankly leave him to it, it's harmless.

wasthataburp · 27/09/2021 11:36

To be fair I would not like my husband wearing nail varnish. It would be pretty weird

Frazzledd · 27/09/2021 11:37

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have.

Personally I think this is a great idea!

I think you need to address your problems around it and have a conversation with your DH if it makes you feel this uncomfortable.

(Also, be careful letting your 18month old use your make up, some isn't suitable for baby skin)

VeganCheesePlease · 27/09/2021 11:37

I'm from a background that is not always PC and down with the times and I don't think you're being fair. Its one thing to not be thrilled with a decision your husband makes about his appearance and another to openly say you forbid him.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:37

@MrsRobbieHart

Honestly, and I’m as gender critical as they come, I don’t believe in boys toys and girls toys etc. But honestly OP, I think he’s testing the waters and you can expect an announcement at some point. And I think you probably know this and that’s why you’ve had the reaction you’ve had.
Yes. I think you are right. To confirm I dress my daughter in blue whenever I don't care what toys she plays with, I'm not rigid in that way. This honestly unsettles me and I think in time to come I will see it as a missed sign if I don't question it now.
OP posts:
sillysmiles · 27/09/2021 11:38

He evaded answering as he has done in the past

The issue really isn't the nails, is it? It is more that you are worried if it symbolises a greater issue. Especially if he is not talking about it.

MrsRobbieHart · 27/09/2021 11:38

Has anything else changed in him recently OP? New job, new social circle, new hobbies?

LST · 27/09/2021 11:38

Yeah YABU. Plenty of masculine men wear nail varnish to whoever assumed you couldn't do/be both.