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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
SaddenedByItAll · 27/09/2021 11:48

I don't get it

deydododatdodontdeydo · 27/09/2021 11:49

YAB homophobic to link nail polish on men with being effeminate and homosexual.

If your husband is gay or transgender stopping him from putting on some nail polish won't change that

Also this! :)

HerrenaHarridan · 27/09/2021 11:50

Not your body

Not your choice

Are you always this controlling?

TartanJumper · 27/09/2021 11:50

Are you posters seriously saying that if your husband started to wear say cerise pink or mauve nail varnish on all ten nails in his everyday life, you wouldn't mind??

There is a difference minding and "asking him to take it off".
Reverse the roles in the OP and imagine the husband is "asking" the wife to put on make up and nail varnish because he wants her to wear it.
Neither is OK.
Expressing an opinion or having a discussion about it is fine, but her husband is an adult and can wear what he likes. OP doesn't have to like it, of course.

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:51

@Frazzledd

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have.

Personally I think this is a great idea!

I think you need to address your problems around it and have a conversation with your DH if it makes you feel this uncomfortable.

(Also, be careful letting your 18month old use your make up, some isn't suitable for baby skin)

Thanks I didn't know that I won't let her have it next time!!
OP posts:
BrendaBubbles · 27/09/2021 11:51

Really would love to hear from anyone who is from a cultural which isn't always politically correct and down with the times.

You could post a comment on a Mail Online story?

minniesdragg · 27/09/2021 11:52

i'm 60 and my grandfather who was a major in the army and whose 'masculinity' was never in question used to let my mother as a child paint his toenails. No biggie even that long ago...

RosieGuacamosie · 27/09/2021 11:53

YANBU at all, I’d also find this unattractive and embarrassing, much like I’m sure my DP would find it unattractive and embarrassing if I suddenly started dressing in a full shell suit.

TiredButDancing · 27/09/2021 11:53

While I think that of course he should be able to wear nail polish if he wants to, I do actually understand your concern. If it's out of character for him, it suggests something else. It's also not "standard", unfair though that might be.

I'll fight for DH or DS' rights to wear a skirt if they want to, but I will admit that I am glad they don't. This might change - society and norms are changing all the time and perhaps in 20 years by the time DS gets married, wedding dresses for men, whoever they're marrying, may well be standard. But right now, it's not.

Are there other things you've spotted that make you think he might not be a hetrosexual male? Because it seems to me that is your concern. Your culture is relatively conservative so a) he stands out if he's not doing the standard thing and b) it might have made it more difficult to admit that he was gay/bi/transgender.

Getyourownback · 27/09/2021 11:53

Yes you are correct. Just being honest about how I feel. I hate it and I would hate even more for anyone in my family to see. I get that's shallow but it's how I feel.

I actually admire your honesty here. You knew you were going to get a hammering. I would secretly feel the same. It would make me feel a bit icky. I don’t know why. It doesn’t bother me at all with other men.

And I suspect some of the people giving you a hard time wouldn’t like it either, if they were honest.

MrsTWH · 27/09/2021 11:53

My DH went through a phase of wearing dark nail varnish on his toenails. My teenage sons will also get me to paint their toenails if they’re around when I’m doing mine. Who cares?! It doesn’t mean they’re gay/effeminate/trans Confused

Flowersinthefireplace · 27/09/2021 11:54

www.esquire.com/style/grooming/a30612393/manicure-for-men-trend/

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2021 11:54

How awful that you think you can dictate how he dresses and presents himself! Yabu

Would you like him to dictate to you in this way? Most people wouldn’t!

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 11:54

The strength of your reaction suggests this isn’t about nail varnish, but that you believe your husband isn’t straight, or has gender dysphoria? What are you basing this on?

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:55

@VeganCheesePlease

I'm from a background that is not always PC and down with the times and I don't think you're being fair. Its one thing to not be thrilled with a decision your husband makes about his appearance and another to openly say you forbid him.
I asked him not to around my family. We don't see them very often - once every six months mostly. I then asked if he wouldn't but never forbade him. He does what he wants with everything else. If he started wearing it everyday on every finger I wouldn't actually be able stop him even if I wanted to. He seems to want my blessing and I can only give him that if he isn't my husband anymore.
OP posts:
SummerintheCity2021 · 27/09/2021 11:55

I wouldn’t like it at all on my partner.

Silverswirl · 27/09/2021 11:55

I wouldn’t like it either to be honest. My husband has said that he would hate it if I cut my hair very short as my hair has always been long.
There is nothing wrong with him wanting to wear jt but equally there is nothing wrong with you hating it either.
Being in a relationship is all about compromise and considering the other persons feelings, sometimes putting them above your own wants and needs.
People not doing those two things is why so many marriages fail.

Lavender24 · 27/09/2021 11:55

My first thought when I read this is was that I wouldn't be thrilled. I've painted my husband's toenails for a laugh a few times and our daughter has too but I'd be a bit Hmm if he started wearing it on his fingernails of his own accord.

But then again he has a stripy rainbow top that is the same as mine and is actually a woman's top (I bought him one in a bigger size cause he kept stealing mine lol) and that doesn't bother me. I find it quite funny actually. So what's the difference really?

I think you're allowed to feel the way you do and to not be happy about it but really he's a grown man and if he wants to paint his nails he should be able to do so.

HappyDays101010 · 27/09/2021 11:55

I think maybe people are imagining some kind of cool rocker/punk type guy wearing black nail varnish and are thinking the OP is over reacting. A lot depends on the rest of his aesthetic as to whether or not he can carry this off without look seriously weird.

I think it unsettles you because you know in your heart of hearts that there's more to it than he is letting on. It is not normal to be evasive when your wife asks if you are gay or trans.

Strangevipers · 27/09/2021 11:55

I don't wear nail varnish unless it's a special occasion like a wedding because I think it's pointless and shallow so I'd find it hard to understand why my husband would want to

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:56

@MrsRobbieHart

Has anything else changed in him recently OP? New job, new social circle, new hobbies?
No. We've been at home together basically 24/7 for a long time as he works from home. Fuck knows what he does online tho I have no reason to suspect anything but I don't watch him or check up on him or anything like that so he could have a whole big world of stuff I don't know about
OP posts:
Brefugee · 27/09/2021 11:57

We aren't conservative in a political sense at all, but Christian backgrounds

Conservative Christian backgrounds. Is it non-christian to wear nail varnish? Plenty of Christians do, women or men.

Frankly? I nave never bought into gender roles, ever since i was a very small child. My dad was what people might think of as a manly man with a very manly man job. But he and my mother brought us up to do the things we liked and wanted to do, especially encouraged us at things we were good at, and as a result i ended up in a pretty manly man job as a woman, as did my brother. It never stopped me wearing nail varnish, combat boots, high heels, dresses, doing woodwork as a hobby whatever whatever.

If that is how your husband is looking at it: "i fancy a bit of colour on my nails, it looks interesting" but otherwise nothing else, then being confrontational will just annoy both of you.

If your husband is starting to explore something that he has kept hidden for years, confrontation will drive it into the shadows. What you need is some open communication about it. So that you can both move on with your lives, together or separate, but understanding each other better.

Are you posters seriously saying that if your husband started to wear say cerise pink or mauve nail varnish on all ten nails in his everyday life, you wouldn't mind??

Cerise would look great with my husband's colouring. He also wears baby-pink shirts sometimes because they make his skin tone look nice.

If he did start dressing or behaving very differently all of a sudden i would wonder why. Affair? Trans? Gay? Just fancied it because we're fairly open about things like this in our house. But i would just bring it up over dinner, or a cup of tea and i definitely wouldn't be confrontational.

And then I'd see how i felt about his answer and take it from there. I have been married for a long long time though, if it had only been a few years and/or i had young children i would probably have different reactions.

TheChip · 27/09/2021 11:57

You cant help it if it makes you uncomfortable. Especially if it brings up further issues that you'd already been wondering about.
The fact he refuses to discuss these things also won't be helping you, and so the nail varnish is more like the icing on the cake.

If he isn't willing to discuss, then all you can do is observe really.

Dandy0911 · 27/09/2021 11:57

You are utterly ridiculous my god!

It's fucking nail varnish. SO many straight guys wear nail varnish. It's a pretty 'in' thing at the mo - Harry styles, Zac Effron, Chris Hemsworth

It's edgy and creative. Leave him alone.

Oh but hold that thought ask him to get involved with putting make up on 😂

Your poor husband.

If the tables are turned on here and a guy posted 'I don't like my wife cutting her hair short, shaving a side of her hair, not looking 'feminine' they'd get fucking slaughtered.

You need to rethink what's important to you. If it's hubby wearing a bit of nail varnish, it says a lot about you as a person.

Bonusjonas · 27/09/2021 11:57

I wouldn’t like my husband wearing it, but mainly because it doesn’t fit in with his fashion aesthetic and would look out of place.

I do think it’s a good look on some men. My son always wear black nail varnish.