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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

706 replies

nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:17

My post is long but basically am I wrong to not want my husband to wear nail varnish?

A few months ago I noticed my husband had begun colouring in his little finger with a sharpie pen. He said it reminded him to be creative. He then asked me for nail varnish which I let him have. He knew that I was not comfortable with any of this. I don't need a husband who wants to wear nail varnish. Fuck that. Anyway I gave him the nail varnish.

Then I had people coming over and I asked him to take it off because to be honest I didn't want people gossiping about why my husband is becoming effeminate. If I saw one of my friends partners wearing nail varnish out of the blue I would assume they had come out or were coming out as gay/trans.

He removed the polish. I think I probably asked him not to do it any more and that was that. Just now our 18 month old daughter was playing with my make up palette eyeshadow, using it as a face paint. I joined her and begun rubbing my cheeks and forehead and said let's do daddy as we always do stuff like that together. He suddenly said 'you won't let me wear nail varnish but you'll let me put on make up?'

I'm say here like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! I asked him again do you have something to tell me etc. I've told him that I'm not up for finding out 20 years from now that he's in the closet.

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that. It would be a huge thing if my husband suddenly started wearing nail varnish. I would find it unappealing sexually and be humiliated in public - am I wrong to thing there's something more to this and reconsider our relationship? He's saying it's not a big deal and lots of heterosexual men wear nail varnish. He's 38 we've been together 14 years this is pretty much out of the blue.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/09/2021 11:39

It sounds like you have a lot of internalised sexist ideas that you should let go of

Taoneusa · 27/09/2021 11:40

I wouldn’t like it either, OP.

jb7445 · 27/09/2021 11:40

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AngeloMysterioso · 27/09/2021 11:40

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that.

Which culture/circle is this?

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 27/09/2021 11:40

Oh for fuck sake.
Get a grip.

How old are you??

Because when I was a teen it was perfectly normal in my social circle for the guys to wear nail varnish/eyeliner/dye their hair etc.

Strict ideas on what men and women should look like are shit and lead us to the point where if a guy wants to wear something "feminine" they must be a woman, rather than, you know, a guy who likes those things.

Controlling what other people do with their bodies is just a shit state of affairs from anyone.

What is your actual problem?
If you're happy for DD to be into tractors and trousers, why are you so vehemently against DH wearing nail varnish?
Can you unpick that?
Like why is one way OK but the other is a no no?

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:40

@RisingSunn

OP I would also hate it. Complete turn-off. However I think you were sending mixed messages with the make-up thing.
We weren't putting make up in that sense. My daughter has just discovered facepaints. She saw my eyeshadow palette assumed it was face paint and started painting her face with it. I let her do it because I need to get rid of those colours anyway and joined her. We weren't putting it on our eyes or adding other make up. Her whole face was a ball of glitter!
OP posts:
Soubriquet · 27/09/2021 11:40

You’re being ridiculous Hmm

Regularsizedrudy · 27/09/2021 11:41

Good one

theleafandnotthetree · 27/09/2021 11:41

@Ifailed

Your husband's appearance is none of your business, as is yours to him. butt out.
That is the kind of thing which sounds lovely in theory but it utterly ridiculous in real life. So if my husband started dressing in tattered filthy clothes, didn't wash his face, comb his haiir etc that would be none of my business? If I walked around the town with my sunstantial arse hanging out of a pair of tiny shorts, with my son's friends mocking him because of it, my huaband should just think or say nothing?
SirenSays · 27/09/2021 11:42

If your husband is gay or transgender stopping him from putting on some nail polish won't change that.

Original poster
nailvarnishhubby · 27/09/2021 11:42

@Spiindoctor

Why does he want it? It's a complete pita as far as I'm concerned. Chips as soon as you do anything, starts to look scruffy. An odd thing for him to choose to do imv. Unless you are in an arty group of people who like unusual hair colour, styles, crossdress whatever.
Don't know. We don't even know any men that wear nail varnish or cross dress. We aren't conservative in a political sense at all, but Christian backgrounds
OP posts:
waltzingparrot · 27/09/2021 11:43

Basically, it comes down to, you have a difference of opinion. if he knows you don't like it, but still wants to do it, can you live with that?

theleafandnotthetree · 27/09/2021 11:43

I have literally never seen a heterosexual man wearing anything within the broad makeup family, including nail varnish. Maybe I have led a very sheltered life....

romdowa · 27/09/2021 11:43

Yabu , I'd love it if my dp would let me paint his nails 🤣🤣

jackstini · 27/09/2021 11:44

You would be BU if it was just about the nail polish; that's entirely up to him

However, it sounds like you are more concerned that this might go deeper and it's not just about the nail polish. You have to have a serious conversation where he does not evade the answers...

Brefugee · 27/09/2021 11:44

My AIBU is - culturally and in our circles it's not normal at all for a man to wear nail varnish or anything like that

well it might shake them up a bit and get those poles out of your arses?

OK so how about this? Apart from how it makes you feel, OP, "humiliated" etc, what is it that actually worries you about this? Are you afraid this is the start of something more and that it might lead to make up, women's clothes, transition to female? Anything along that path?

I get that would be very frightening and worrying for you, fear of the unknown and all the rest of the baggage that might come with that. Or is it really only that you come from a conservative circle of family and friends and they might have connipations if your DH turned up with a bit of colour on his nails?

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 27/09/2021 11:44

You are not being ridiculous at all. He is from a culture that would make assumptions about his sexuality and this is a red flag. I was briefly married to a man who bought a shirt which, in those days, sent out a signal that he was gay. I was very uncomfortable with him wearing it, but didn't say anything. He left me after a few weeks fir a man.

TartanJumper · 27/09/2021 11:45

Sorry but YABU.
It's his body.

While I understand there may be cultural issues at play, it's simply not your place to dictate what he can and can not wear. Would you like it if he did that to you?

HadEnough798 · 27/09/2021 11:45

YABVU.

Personally, I like when people look a bit different or unusual - different is good! Why not? Better than looking like a copy + paste. No way would I try and dictate what my partner wore.

Equally if he told me to start wearing dresses and skirts and wear wore makeup to be more feminine I'd be furious.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/09/2021 11:46

OP YANBU and I think some posters are being very cruel.

It is completely different for a little child to be playing and wear nail polish occasionally than for a grown man, someone's husband, to wear it!

Are you posters seriously saying that if your husband started to wear say cerise pink or mauve nail varnish on all ten nails in his everyday life, you wouldn't mind?? Shock

The only men I can think of who wear nail varnish on TV are Eddie Izzard and Joe Lycett........

OP I think you are right to dig more on your husband's quirks.

TheUnexpectedPickle · 27/09/2021 11:47

My DP wears eyeliner on nights out.

It suits him.

He has a beard and his penis, thus far, has not fallen off.

politics4me · 27/09/2021 11:47

Probably all the rage in Hoxton. But not in Hunstanton.
Good Luck with this conversation OP.

LST · 27/09/2021 11:47

@theleafandnotthetree

I have literally never seen a heterosexual man wearing anything within the broad makeup family, including nail varnish. Maybe I have led a very sheltered life....
Literally all of my male friends in my teens and early 20s wore nail varnish and eyeliner. Some don't anymore and some still do. They have all got kids now as well.
MitheringMytryl · 27/09/2021 11:48

I've read your updates.

From what you've said, I think he might be gearing up to announcing something. It's weird that he is evasive when you ask him about it.

I actually agree with PPs that it doesn't matter if a man wears nail polish, of course. I wouldn't give a shit if my DH started painting his little fingernail or whatever you said. BUT I think that you give a shit because there is a whole heap of other stuff going on and this is making you nervous.

SaddenedByItAll · 27/09/2021 11:48

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