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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:
LawnFever · 02/08/2021 08:16

God I feel your pain I’d be the same as you, I think when people have never struggled with their weight it’s hard for them to understand.

You’re going to have to just keep saying no, no, no - are you close to her? Could you have a quiet word on your own and explain?

It sounds exhausting tbh!

ThinWomansBrain · 02/08/2021 08:17

not everyone with diabetes is overweight - but why lie? Just say you don't want cake?

RyanReynoldsHusband · 02/08/2021 08:17

You don’t have to make up a medical condition. ‘Thank you, but I’m watching my sugar intake’

Blastandbollocks · 02/08/2021 08:18

I'd never recommend claiming to have a medical problem as that's not reasonable - and in most companies, would be notifiable to HR in case of future issues. However, the word "borderline" is a handy word. You are not saying you are, but that there is a higher risk of it.

OneTC · 02/08/2021 08:18

Grow a spine?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 02/08/2021 08:19

Just say no thank you I'm dieting.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/08/2021 08:19

Maybe she is so insistent on shoving food on to everyone else because she has issues around food and eating?

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2021 08:20

Just say no I’m watching my weight, it’s not a big deal, laugh if she says life is too short and change the subject.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/08/2021 08:21

Just, no thank you.
In reply to “life’s too short”, “it will be even shorter if I eat cake every day” with a smile.

Neither of you AU, just different metabolisms.

Frymetothemoon · 02/08/2021 08:21

"I'm sorry, but I have to watch my sugar intake for health reasons" and if she insists "I've already told you I can't, please stop insisting"

A friend of mine used to do this while I was losing weight, until his mum pointed out he was being a "food bully"

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 02/08/2021 08:21

“No thank you”

Every single time. Do not explain why not. Just “no thank you”.

I really hate when some people think they’re entitled to dictate what people do and do not eat.

BruceAndNosh · 02/08/2021 08:21

"thank you but sugary snacks don't agree with me"
Polite and vague

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 02/08/2021 08:21

Just say; maybe i'll have some later

Then don't

MsMiaWallace · 02/08/2021 08:22

Just say "No thanks".

Your making assumptions about this person. She may have issues herself.

Flowerlane · 02/08/2021 08:22

‘No thanks’ repeat repeat repeat

If she really doesn’t relent then I would say you are being tested for food allergies or something so no cake thanks.

ToddlerLockdown · 02/08/2021 08:22

It’s so hard isn’t it.

Someone once told me that you aren’t responsible for people’s reactions to what you do (as long as you act honestly and with kindness etc). So you saying ‘no thank you’ is perfectly fine. If she claims to be offended that’s on her not you. And to be honest I doubt she really is offended! Good luck OP

vincettenoir · 02/08/2021 08:23

YNBU to find this difficult. I think the most simple way to deal with it is to always refuse. She will get bored of trying to call you out on it. Bear in mind that there’s no such thing as being to big or small to refuse cake. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for not eating it.

TheNeverEndingOver · 02/08/2021 08:23

Feeders like this tend to have their own weird weight/food issues.

I know it can feel awkward, but you need to pick a line and stick to it. Maybe even practise it in the mirror - 'No thanks, not for me' and then look away. 'Not today thanks, I'm fine' and then smile. Just remember you are not in the wrong. I wouldn't add any specific reason, as you don't have to justify yourself - if she gets upset it is her issue!

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2021 08:24

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

“No thank you”

Every single time. Do not explain why not. Just “no thank you”.

I really hate when some people think they’re entitled to dictate what people do and do not eat.

The point of explaining is to make her shut up.

So no thanks I’m loosing weight, no thanks I had a big breakfast /lunch, no thanks but you enjoy, no thanks I’m on a health kick. anything,

Is the issue fundamentally you don’t want to say no, ans often don’t, so the finding it difficult to say no is more about your own desire to do so?

ElizaDoolots · 02/08/2021 08:24

Just be assertive OP, you don’t need to lie.

“Here, have some cake”
“No thank you”
“Oh go on, life’s too short”
“I don’t want any, thanks for offering”

And repeat…

OneMillionSteps · 02/08/2021 08:25

That sounds so annoying.
Bringing cake to a meeting is fine, but guilt tripping everyone into eating it is not fine.
Not sure what I would do.
Could you start by saying you’re not hungry one day but taking a piece “for later”.

Keep it wrapped up all day then if she asks say you’ll take it home, then dispose of it on the way back home so it’s no longer a temptation.

Hissysnake · 02/08/2021 08:25

Just say it's nothing personal against your cake, it looks lovely, but I don't want any.

I know exactly what you mean though. I used to work in an office that was quite competitive about baking cakes. Two women in particular would bring cakes in, demand everyone ate some and would hover over you whilst doing so, waiting for your praise. Every bloody day. I was similar to yourself and also had issues about eating in front of people at the time. It also didn't help that one made absolutely hideous cakes. So my friend and I took the piss one day, bought some cakes from Asda and did exactly the same as they did to everyone. They all knew I couldn't bake to save my life and knew what we were up to. It seemed to make the point because the bake off stopped after that.

girlonamission · 02/08/2021 08:25

Politely say "no thanks" and have a cup of tea/coffee, glass of water to then have in hand as your go-to instead.

Original poster
Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:25

@ThinWomansBrain

not everyone with diabetes is overweight - but why lie? Just say you don't want cake?
Thanks. I need to be brave. It's just that it happens so frequently. I do say no nearly every time but it always comes with some form of comment about how I am depriving myself.
OP posts:
ZaraW · 02/08/2021 08:25

There is someone similar where I work. I just tell her I don't eat crap. She's stopped asking. There's no need to be polite.