Skinny office feeder

[Weallloveted]

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

No thanks, looks great but it doesn't agree with me.

And chew gum/have a Polo during the meeting if you're tempted.

I hate all office/food interactions. When I opened this thread I assumed it'd be about the lunchbox police - "Ooh, treating yourself today are you? Wish I could afford Pret"; "Ooh, that looks healthy, are you trying to lose a few pounds before xmas?" etc. Aaaargh.

Just be firm. Polite, but firm. “Oh, no thank you, Sue.” “Thank you, looks delicious, but not for me.” “Really, Sue - that’s kind, but I don’t want any.” She starts to look ridiculous after that, surely?

Just say your dentist has said you need to reduce your sugar intake.
She sounds like a pain!!

I would refuse the cake and then, when she comments, reply to that ‘Please stop. I’ve said no, and I would prefer not to be harassed about that every time. It’s nice that you want to make cakes for the office, but please repect that not everyone wants to eat things like that.’

It's a well-known ploy by people with eating disorders. It's almost eating by proxy. So they get the kick of making something delicious to eat and get vicarious pleasure watching everyone else tuck into those scrummy but calorie-laden slices of cake!

OP, I sympathize as I’m in the same situation as you, except I’m currently well up there on the BMI scale. It’s so hard, isn’t it?
In my life, I’ve also been anorexic and bulimic and at the other side of the chart.

Food is a big issue for me and I freeze where there’s cake in work. The only way I manage is to not complain, and not explain. I just say “no thank you”. If someone pushes it, I say “no thanks, I’m fine”. If they really push, I give them a death stare and say “I really don’t want any”.

Repeat as required.

NEVER say you are dieting or cutting back etc as that spurs them to say OH GO ON JUST THIS ONCE WON'T HURT YOU.

you need to say that either you don't like cake or it makes you puke.

@WimpoleHat

Just be firm. Polite, but firm. “Oh, no thank you, Sue.” “Thank you, looks delicious, but not for me.” “Really, Sue - that’s kind, but I don’t want any.” She starts to look ridiculous after that, surely?

I wouldn't call her kind if she's pestering me to eat sugary crap after I'd clearly said no.

My friends are like this with alcohol, particularly shots. Just say no thankyou politely. Don't give a reason. Repeat as often as you need to. She will end up looking silly if she keeps on asking. But she will get the message. "You have mine seeing as you're so keen" is also a good one to bat it back with.

She's really not doing you or your colleagues any favours. It's like those enormous tins of sweets on desks at Christmas, which everyone dips into out of boredom. You could gain a pound a week in December from that alone...

You could bring a couple of boxes of strawberries or grapes to the meeting OP. Imagine other people might be glad of the alternative!

You can't control her and her feeding ways, she may have food issues herself, you can control your response to it and say no. You have your reasons that are personal to you and that are important to you, you don't need to explain or justify them you just need to say no.

I would take in a small pot of chopped up fruit and eat that and say I am on the Boris healthy eating plan and laugh!

@Weallloveted I have been in a similar situation. I said that I had a really sensitive molar, the sugar would set it off and become really painful. Not offending anyone, a solid reason and she might be unlikely to offer again!

This happened at my work. It took me many years to put two and two together and realise the person had an eating disorder and exercise addiction and this was part of it. It was quite difficult to manage as at the time I wasn't so overweight and so the odd bit of cake was nice, but it was the sheer quantity and sickliness (think M & S finest) that meant it was just too many calories. I stopped eating them but she carried on feeding the younger generation til she left. It was very sad as she was a lovely lovely person and this was one of her ways of showing she cared, but it was very much tied in with her own ED. The clue is they never eat their own cakes, never (different if it's just a baker who loves to share and occasionally also eats with you).

This would really piss me off, I really hate when people do this and try to make you feel guilty for not having any!

If you’ve repeatedly said no and she keeps commenting tell her to fuck off and eat the damn cake herself (or shove it up her arse) 😄

You can never be too careful with hygiene these days… no thinks

Those saying just say no, yes, eventually you can start being firmer, but it's very hard, women are socialized to be friendly, nice, accept offerings politely and so on and you can end up consuming quite a lot of cake before you shift to being more assertive.

Now you've noticed though, I think you just have to take the 'I've given up cake at work' line and stick with it, followed by 'no thanks' and look away and chat to someone else if she persists.

I would be sorely tempted to tell her that eating fatty foods gives you the worst explosive diarrhoea and foul win so thanks, but no thanks. Bet she wouldnt ask again.

Joking aside, ryou dont need to explain, you dont need to justify it - just remember that the word 's 'no thank you' are more than enough. Her reaction and feelings to you not wanting to eat her cake, is her problem and not yours.

I am so glad a don't work in offices anymore as the constant relentless diet talk/food conversations. Oddly I don't really crave/like sweet things but if I have them like you they trigger a binge, so I totally get where you are coming from. My suggestion as someone recovering from a eating disorder is
Just to say a firm "No, thank you" and any comments about - You are depriving yourself... shrug off with a " Not really , I've realised I don't really have a sweet tooth." Good luck

@Maskless

Tell her you are wheat intolerant. If you eat cake you are always sick.

Don’t do this. She’ll bake a gluten free cake specially for you next time. I don’t understand the issue here really. I’m always turning down cake at work, for similar reasons OP. Just say “that looks delicious but if I ate a slice I’d gain a stone overnight, so I’m going to resist temptation”.

Due to COVID, my work basically said no shared food at work (heading back to the office this month) so this is a great excuse.

But just keep saying 'No, i'm keeping my sugar intake down' and call her out on it if she insists - if it's in a meeting, she won't do it again hopefully.

A "no thank you" is enough

It's not a school playground, it's a workplace, no need to make stuff up or give excuses. No thank you, no thank you until she moves on.

If she gets miffed, it's her problem, she's the one looking unprofessional.

I can't understand so-called grown-ups who can't just decline something without making a drama out of it, or need to justify themselves.

Calling someone "manipulative" because they offer cake? Seriously? Just do what you would teach your own kids to do! "No, thank you." Done.

"I've already said no, please stop disrespecting my bodily autonomy."

Women really are conditioned to be 'nice' which doesn't do us any favours.

Ask a man what he would say, I'll bet it would just be 'No thanks'. You do not need an excuse, just keep saying No if she insists.

Do you ever see this woman eating cake? I'd guess she has some issues around food herself.

I'm in the 'just say no thanks' camp, followed up - if the 'treat' word is used - with 'it's not a 'treat' if I don't want it, is it?!'

This is really good practice for being more assertive in other situations! It's so empowering realising you can just say no - you don't have to sacrifice yourself to please everyone.