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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:
Wynston · 02/08/2021 08:55

Just tell her cake is shit!!

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 02/08/2021 08:56

She sounds like a drag but I wouldn't refer to the cake as 'crap' or 'sugary crap' as I think that's needlessly unpleasant and sanctimonious and will give her a stick to beat you with - you've now said her cake is crap. Plus, those who have taken a bit will feel a bit grim. But I would take some fruit or crudités in.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/08/2021 08:56

No thank you

viques · 02/08/2021 08:56

I used to work with someone who was very clear and loud that the reason he didn’t eat home made cake was that he didn’t know how clean other people’s kitchens were. If he knew they had pets this was also thrown into the —cake— mix.

It worked.

Polkadots2021 · 02/08/2021 08:57

@Weallloveted

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

Seriously go to HR and ask for a policy of no outside food bought in to meetings. Also point to food allergy issues as a potential danger (it's genuinely a danger of you end up with a member of staff with an allergy). If this woman loves cake then she can eat cake in her own time.
WishingWell5 · 02/08/2021 08:57

Tell her, "oh you have my bit, I need to watch my weight but you don't need to worry". She refuses? "Go on, I inisit, life's to short". Play her at her own game. :)

Palavah · 02/08/2021 08:58

Please don't feel the need to explain. Just say no thank you with a smile.

Practise out loud 'no thank you' 'not for me thank you' and push it away /hand it on/move it out of your eyeline.

notagermannoun · 02/08/2021 08:59

@OnwardsAndSideways1

Those saying just say no, yes, eventually you can start being firmer, but it's very hard, women are socialized to be friendly, nice, accept offerings politely and so on and you can end up consuming quite a lot of cake before you shift to being more assertive.

Now you've noticed though, I think you just have to take the 'I've given up cake at work' line and stick with it, followed by 'no thanks' and look away and chat to someone else if she persists.

Yes. I mean, if a male colleague said, 'no thanks, I'm training' (whatever that means, men always say it), I very much doubt he would be pestered and cajoled to eat a ton of cake. People would just accept firm refusal from a man more readily. The same reason why those firms that sell cosmetics and Aloe Vera always target women as sellers - female socialisation and a fear of causing offence means that their friends are less likely to say no.
Cocolapew · 02/08/2021 09:00

Don't bother with the explanations or trying to be 'nice', she isn't.
Just keep saying no.
Does she eat it or just want everyone else to?

CarnationCat · 02/08/2021 09:01

Stop overthinking it. You don't want the cake so say 'no thanks'. Ignore the comments about treating yourself.

NoNotYou · 02/08/2021 09:02

You ANBU
There has always been issues around sweet stuff in the office
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-36608269
I struggle to not eat biscuits etc. My office is huge and someone has a birthday nearly every day it seems. We need to make it a culture to bring in fruit not sweet crap for birthday treats

NotMaryWhitehouse · 02/08/2021 09:02

@WishingWell5

Tell her, "oh you have my bit, I need to watch my weight but you don't need to worry". She refuses? "Go on, I inisit, life's to short". Play her at her own game. :)
Yes! Do this!
UntilYouComeBacktoMe · 02/08/2021 09:02

Bloody cakes at work, so sick of it!! Luckily I am very squeamish when it comes to other people's kitchens and hygiene standards, so I won't go near homemade cakes. I simply say no thank you and luckily that gets respected, but honestly, I feel for you. I also have a really sweet tooth and it's a constant battle.

NoNotYou · 02/08/2021 09:02

And yes, she is a feeder and doing it deliberately

BadBear · 02/08/2021 09:03

Ok firstly, you need to stop calling her skinny. Her body is irrelevant of what she's doing.

Secondly, just say no. There's no need to offer an excuse or make one up. If she questions you just say I don't want it. If we all stopped offering explanations then this kind of behaviour might stop. It's OK to just say no and not follow it up with an explanation. If she insists, she's the one who's looking awkward.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/08/2021 09:03

I wwould probably just try a polite "I'm sure it's lovely but no thankyou, I'm off cake at the moment." She could be lacking in manners like my mother in law, though, if she says more than a brief "Are you sure?", though, and instead frowns and barks "Why don't you want any/it/some?!" depending on what she's shoving in your face. I spent years eating stuff I just didn't feel like mostly sugary shite that made me feel rubbish, and was often not long after I'd finished breakfast and had brushed my teeth. In the end I just started saying "because I just don't want any, thanks." I mean, what can someone say to that? Have they really got the gall to try to enforce their wishes on someone else? My mother in law did occasionally try "Ah well, I've put it out now" but I thought inwardly "well, that's your fault not mine" and repeated "I'm fine thankyou, I just don't want any." She doesn't push as much now but it gets akward sometimes when it's someone's birthday and you just get given the cheapest bought cake mid-morning when you're really not hungry. It's easy when you've got teenagers though, as you can quietly shove it onto their plate when no-one's looking. What's annoying is that she often refuses stuff at our house now, and I can never work out if she's just playing tit for tat or genuinely doesn't want it! Grin

aiwblam · 02/08/2021 09:04

I have encountered this and it’s most certainly not the op making a drama of saying no. The op has politely said no thanks and this woman then makes comments that make the op very uncomfortable.

Op I would just continue to say no thanks. I wouldn’t give any reason at all. You can’t reason with people like this. Each and every time, no thanks. Ignore her snarky comments - literally do not respond. She will look stupid badgering a colleague to eat cake.

MrsToothyBitch · 02/08/2021 09:04

I think you have to be firm and just keep saying no- just no.

I like to bake and I do share out the results because a) I don't want to eat them all myself - calories and b) I enjoy the baking process, it's not about the eating. I do take stuff to work and I tell people it's there but I don't police who eats it or not- they have their reasons. I spread it around with family. Similarly if other people bring in bakes or bought goodies, I may or may not take some. No reason required.

iBrows · 02/08/2021 09:04

“No thanks, I don’t fancy it” if she keeps pushing after that she is a bit weird!

whatinthenameofhen · 02/08/2021 09:04

@MrsSkylerWhite

Just, no thank you. In reply to “life’s too short”, “it will be even shorter if I eat cake every day” with a smile.

Neither of you AU, just different metabolisms.

This is perfect. Don't say I'm dieting/watching weight.
pinkcircustop · 02/08/2021 09:05

YABU. This is your issue and it isn’t her fault for bringing in cake. If you can’t have some you simply say ‘No, thank you’ and leave it at that.

MaMelon · 02/08/2021 09:05

Just say 'no thank you, it looks lovely but I'm being really strict with my cake intake' or something like that and exercise some willpower. Please do not go to HR and ask them to ban cakes - that's just silly. A bit of cake is often the only thing that makes a meeting bearable and as everyone who attends them are adults they can make their own decision as to whether they eat a piece or not.

stairgates · 02/08/2021 09:05

Does she eat any herself?

ilovesooty · 02/08/2021 09:05

@ElizaDoolots

Just be assertive OP, you don’t need to lie.

“Here, have some cake”
“No thank you”
“Oh go on, life’s too short”
“I don’t want any, thanks for offering”

And repeat…

Exactly. Just keep politely declining. No reason necessary.
headachey · 02/08/2021 09:07

@MrsSkylerWhite

Just, no thank you. In reply to “life’s too short”, “it will be even shorter if I eat cake every day” with a smile.

Neither of you AU, just different metabolisms.

love this answer
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