Skinny office feeder

[Weallloveted]

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

I bet other people in the meeting feel exactly the same way as you do.

She is being rude and insensitive, and if you have to say no more than twice in public there will be others in the room cheering you on. It will also show her up for the food bully she is.

That said, it might help you to practice having just one small slice of something nice then saying no to more (hard, I know).

Say no and give the honest reason. If she laughs and says ah life's too short, pin her with a hard stare and say 'we all have our food demons.....' because it's likely that she absolutely does have food demons.

@stairgates

Does she eat any herself?

it doesn't even matter, no thank you is more than enough.

Seriously go to HR and ask for a policy of no outside food bought in to meetings.

So no one gets cake cos one person finds it taxing asserting themselves?

Seems fair

If you feel awkward talking about it just drop her a quick email explaining. Something like your cakes really are delicious but I’m really trying to be good and watch my weight, please don’t make me feel bad or take offence if I decline.

She may well have her own issues with food. I’m underweight and go through periods of very controlled eating, usually when I’m stressed. But I love baking so even when I’m not eating much myself I often bake and take stuff to work (although I just leave on the side and it seems to disappear, I don’t actually offer it round!).

Yes. I mean, if a male colleague said, 'no thanks, I'm training' (whatever that means, men always say it), I very much doubt he would be pestered and cajoled to eat a ton of cake. People would just accept firm refusal from a man more readily. The same reason why those firms that sell cosmetics and Aloe Vera always target women as sellers - female socialisation and a fear of causing offence means that their friends are less likely to say no.
It's a good point.
The training thing is also interesting as I've found people were less pushy about cake and biscuits once I took up running and fitness.
I once worked with someone who regularly had their hands in the biscuit tin, who'd seem to take offence if others didn't join in. After a lot of "but there's nothing on you", once I started fitness they eventually got the message that I didn't want the damn biscuit.

Actually - Covid and all. Is sharing food in office meetings an ok thing these days?

I'm 2 stone heavier than I was in my early 20s and I'm still a size 10!!!!

Vanity sizing is a thing. 6-8 in old money in 8-10 or even 10-12. She isn't that small tbh

Just say no thank you and don't engage further. She can't engage with you if you don't respond.

Start bringing in fresh fruit platters.

@corkernewyorker

Start bringing in fresh fruit platters.

I honestly wouldn’t start bringing anything. A drink is adequate for most meetings and if it’s not you should be breaking for lunch.

I have tried with these types, saying "No, thank you." (Oh, just have a tiny slice, a bit of cake won't hurt you, go on, you can have a small slice, surely.) "No, thanks," or "Not today."(Oh, go on, etc. It's delicious.) "It looks lovely, but no thanks." (Just have a little piece, go on...etc) "I can't eat cake, actually." (Oh, it's gluten free!) "I still can't eat cake." (Oh?? But it's gluten free! Go on. Just a little piece. Go on.) Smiling, shaking my head no. (Why not?) "It gives me volcanic acid." (This is true, and it's never worth appeasing them by eating "a tiny piece'' of whatever cake, or biscuits, or other baked goods.) That shuts them up, with a confused look on their faces!

No means no, but with food pushers there is no such thing as no. It's quite sick.

Tell her you don't like her baking.
She will lay off.

Just keep repeating ‘no thank you’. No need for MN’s idea of a witty comeback or cutting remark, which are just painful in real life. If she keep pushing it she will be the one who looks strange and awkward.

*keeps

A firm "No thank you" followed by "please don't insist, I rarely eat cake" ought to do it!

Cakes in the office should be limited to birthdays and special events, not every meeting... Is she trying to kill you all?

YABU for considering to pretend having diabetes.

Does she actually eat the cake herself! We had one like this and it took a while to realise she was pushing food around, cutting it up but not eating it. She did the same at out of office meals - ordered the most expensive meal with all the extras and never actually ate it.

We had one of the these but he was a bloke, young, fit, sporty, never gained weight, he regularly brought cakes, biscuits, donuts into the office and they'd always get left near my desk despite my protestations. I was also weak around food, was 9 stone overweight but I've worked really hard to get that off and am now down to 2 stone overweight but I'm still tempted by crap food every single day. I bought a fruit bowl and every Monday morning I'd go to M&S and buy a shit tonne of fruit to last the week and fill the bowl up every morning. It did the trick, most people preferred the fruit and his junk food was being left uneaten....and I'm never tempted by fruit lol

Does she eat any herself, or is she too busy foisting onto others?

A drink is adequate for most meetings and if it’s not you should be breaking for lunch

Says who? If someone wants to eat a bit of fruit, cereal bar or bit of cake during a meeting then it’s fine. No-one should be dictating what others can or can’t eat (within reason - a whole 3 course dinner plus wine is probably unacceptable) - that’s the whole point of this thread.

I'm surprised about the food sharing. Absolutely no at my office, post covid.

She almost certainly has food issues. If she had brought one cake in on her birthday then fair enough. But constantly....I imagine she eats very little or nothing herself (of the cake). You need to be firm and say no, and no explanation. Why should you have to justify yourself.

@MizMoonshine

Tell her you don't like her baking. She will lay off.

Oh yes!!!! Tell her you'll buy something you like after 😄

The thing is, it only becomes awkward if you let her make it awkward. I know it's a MN cliche, but it really does just come down to being able to say a firm no, and have the courage to mean it.

"Here, have some of this cake I've made"
"No thanks"
"Why not? Life's too short not to treat yourself, gwan gwan gwan gwan.... etc"
"No thanks, I just don't fancy it."

If she persists, I'd ask "Why do you care?"

It's not you who looks awkward or strange in that scenario. You don't need an excuse not to eat something.

Say "no thanks I only eat cake at breakfast" jokingly. don't say anything else might shut her up.

‘Most would call skinny’
No only rude people would do that like those that call people fat.