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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Skinny office feeder

578 replies

Weallloveted · 02/08/2021 08:10

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

OP posts:
echt · 02/08/2021 09:18

I always say: I don't like cake.

Which I don't.

TheSockMonster · 02/08/2021 09:18

“No thank you” should be enough, but if she’s not taking no for an answer I’d go with blunt honesty.

“I have an eating disorder. Please feel free to offer me a slice of cake, but if I say no please accept that and STFU

IS0D0RA · 02/08/2021 09:18

I agree that saying your can’t eat wheat won’t work.

I am gluten intolerant. It’s not a hobby, a phase or a diet .I’m not “ trying to be healthy “. It’s a medical condition diagnosed by a consultant physician. It’s not something I chose to have and it’s not fun.

But the office cake feeders will never accept this.

If I say “ Sorry I can’t eat that, I can’t eat gluten “ , I will get

“ Just a small piece won’t hurt “
“ My cousin is gluten free and she still eats cake “
“ Just this once for Mary’s birthday”.
“ Can’t you just take a tablet before you eat it? My friend does that for her lactose intolerance “.
“ Oh go on give yourself a day off “.
“ Lighten up”.
“ You know it’s possible to be too strict. You will end up becoming obsessed.”
“ Oh another one of these modern fads “.

Just a small piece of cake will have me doubled over in pain an hour later and that pain will last for 6 hours . I will then have milder gut problems for another 4-5 days.

SO STOP FUCKING TELLING ME IT WONT HURT.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest OP Grin .

ADragonCalledKeith · 02/08/2021 09:19

Her: life's too short to say no!

You: and it will be even shorter if I eat that!

Mrgrinch · 02/08/2021 09:20

YABVU to assume someone has never had a "weight problem" because they're thin.

stuckdownahole · 02/08/2021 09:20

As previous posters have said, in my experience the person doing this may very well have an eating disorder.

If that's the case, you are not up against a normal thought process. Her reasons for being so insistent are not rational and cannot be countered by reasonable argument. So don't try. Don't invent health conditions, don't mention hygiene concerns, just say no thank you.

If you feel too bad saying "No" again when she pushes, then say something very general like "I'm avoiding sugary foods". But basically, be a grey rock and don't react or get involved.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 02/08/2021 09:20

I agree that saying your can’t eat wheat won’t work

It also leaves the door open for her to bake a special wheat free cake just for you, which you will be guilted into eating.

Just say no. No lies, no justifications. Just no.

CounsellorTroi · 02/08/2021 09:21

@Maskless

Tell her you are wheat intolerant. If you eat cake you are always sick.
There’s a danger she’ll bring in gluten free cake if you do this!
IcouldWRITEabook1234 · 02/08/2021 09:22

Maybe she is so insistent on shoving food on to everyone else because she has issues around food and eating?

This was my first thought too. Do you ever see her eating any of her own cake OP?

SofiaMichelle · 02/08/2021 09:23

Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle.

It's unlikely that metabolism would explain it, OP.

Everything I've ever read about the subject suggests that while small differences between people's metabolism rates do exist, it doesn't vary to a degree that someone would be obese or not because of it.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 02/08/2021 09:23

You could mention you have high hygiene standards and don't like eating other people's home baked goods. But that would be a low blow Wink

cameocat · 02/08/2021 09:23

I have to deal with this all the time because I don't drink alcohol. It is very boring and I used to feel like I had to justify myself. It's happened so much now that I am quite hardened to it and have got a lot blunter. She wants you to est it to make herself feel better. That is not your responsibility though.

ActonSquirrel · 02/08/2021 09:24

Don't make bizarre stuff up. Just say you don't like her cakes. With an audience that should shut her up.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 02/08/2021 09:24

Ime people who bake enormous quantities which they push on to others usually do have some issues around food.

Baking occasionally as a treat is normal, but this isn't.

SoundBar · 02/08/2021 09:24

To amend the MN classic : " No thank you" is a complete sentence!

pumpkintree · 02/08/2021 09:25

I just say no cake or whatever for me. If they say go on etc. I just say thanks for the offer but I won't be having cake today. Then I say you have some and take mine if you want.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 02/08/2021 09:25

I like the "sorry cake doesn't really agree with me" kind of line. It closes the door for good and hopefully she'll stop asking.

I must say that I find it very bizarre though! At my work there's always sweet things around including home made cakes etc. No one ever questions someone declines.

Jumpingintosummer · 02/08/2021 09:26

*Today 09:16 MaMelon

A drink is adequate for most meetings and if it’s not you should be breaking for lunch

Says who? If someone wants to eat a bit of fruit, cereal bar or bit of cake during a meeting then it’s fine. No-one should be dictating what others can or can’t eat (within reason - a whole 3 course dinner plus wine is probably unacceptable) - that’s the whole point of this thread*

Individuals can bring whatever they like, my point was in response to a suggestion the OP brings a healthy alternative to cake like a fruit platter. Why should the OP have to cater for everyone?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/08/2021 09:27

“No thanks. Cake does stuff to my body that is not appropriate to discuss in the work environment.”

It’s true - it sends you on an addictive binge which (if it is similar to mine) leads to behaviour that is bordering on that of a drug addict.

DillonPanthersTexas · 02/08/2021 09:27

Seriously go to HR and ask for a policy of no outside food bought in to meetings.

Seriously.

Eat, or don't eat a slice of cake. Moaning to HR is just going to make you look like a twat.

Can't believe there are six pages of various strategies and scripted responses over how to not eat a slice of offered cake.

IcouldWRITEabook1234 · 02/08/2021 09:27

Does she actually eat the cake herself! We had one like this and it took a while to realise she was pushing food around, cutting it up but not eating it. She did the same at out of office meals - ordered the most expensive meal with all the extras and never actually ate it

Meant to add that to my last post.

I'm asking because somtimes people with issues around food ( you can be skinny and have a weight or eating problem ) really enjoy making food for others and love watching them enjoy their food.. because they dont enjoy eating themselves.

Just be polite and say you dont want any, if she says life's too short just say again no I'm alright thanks.

If shes very pushy about people eating her cakes then the issue is definetly hers OP x

Mrgrinch · 02/08/2021 09:27

God all the people diagnosing this poor woman with all sorts of EDs just because she likes to bring in baked goods. Would you all be so quick to diagnose am overweight person?

So sick of people thinking they can say what they like about thin people. Skinny is just as offensive as fat.

TirisfalPumpkin · 02/08/2021 09:28

This can actually be an ED behaviour. I personally know someone who is severely anorexic and loves baking unhealthy treats and watching her friends eat them. I think it's part of the control mindset. 'I can even control myself when my hands are in butter and sugar or my friends are gorging themselves around me'.

Maybe time to go gluten-free. No more cake. What a shame.

IcouldWRITEabook1234 · 02/08/2021 09:29

Mrgrinch

No ones being horrible about the slim woman? I have an eating disorder and forcing food onto others and not eating it yourself is very very common!

Watchingyouwazowski · 02/08/2021 09:30

She sounds like a relative of mine, who is anorexic. Makes a big show with food to make it look like they are eating, when really it’s a smokescreen. It’s can be very difficult to say no to this. Mine makes amazing big cakes and goes on about how much everyone is eating. They can be very insistent that you must eat more.

This person probably has an illness of some kind related to food.
You will have to work very hard to develop a will of steel against this person! Good luck!