Skinny office feeder

[Weallloveted]

I can't work out whether I am being unreasonable over this. I have always struggled with my weight but have generally kept it reasonably close to normal BMI (but always at the top end). A couple of years ago, it crept up by about 3 stone and I was obese. I have lost that since but it's a battle to keep it under control and I really struggle with food cravings but I accept that this is my lot in life and if being a reasonably healthy weight means being careful my whole life then so be it. I don't foist it onto anyone else.

My issue is with a woman I work with. She is what most would call skinny. Maybe not medically underweight but very close to it. Probably around a size 6 or 8 or so. She is a self-declared 'cake addict' and claims that no work meeting can be complete without cake. She will bring in proper big iced cakes that she has made and will share it round at meetings and will comment if someone refuses and say something like 'life's too short not to treat yourself' and it will get really awkward. The thing is that I am not one of those people who can have just one slice. If I eat a huge piece of carrot cake in the meeting, it then sends me spiralling. I have to avoid sugary treats altogether. Maybe she has amazing willpower or a super-fast metabolism but I gain weight so easily and binge eating is a real struggle. I have considered lying and saying I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but I'm not sure anyone would believe it as I am not really overweight.

I just find this sort of thing so difficult. Why do people feel the right to have a say over what others put in their mouths? And why is it a personal insult to her if I refuse? Part of it is also that I don't feel 'thin enough' to refuse, as in my body looks like someone who doesn't strictly control food, but I have to. I haven't spoken to anyone else at work about it.

AIBU? Oh and the reason I mentioned her size is that I don't think she has ever had a weight problem so she can't understand how much of a struggle it is for those of us that do.

If it’s not her, it will be someone else in another situation offering or encouraging food. It’s really up to you to learn to manage your response to situations involving eating. You’ll always be tempted and always give in if, like in this situation, you are putting the responsibility onto someone else about what you do or don’t eat.

"life's too short not to treat yourself"

"Oh I know, I really wish I could but I know from experience sugary food makes me crash really badly. It's such a shame because I really enjoy it at the time, but then I feel dreadful for the rest of the day. But I'll enjoy watching you all enjoy it!"

No thank you. Maybe later.

No thanks, I’m trying to be good.

If she insists:

Why is it so important to you that I have some?

Turn it into a question that she has to answer.

@vincettenoir

YNBU to find this difficult. I think the most simple way to deal with it is to always refuse. She will get bored of trying to call you out on it. Bear in mind that there’s no such thing as being to big or small to refuse cake. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for not eating it.

Thank you. Yes, I will continue to refuse and just try to ignore the comments.

I have cut out sugar on some days of the week, for similar reasons. I just say "Oh, not today thanks" or "I'll have some later" (I may keep it till the next day e.g. if Friday I might take it home for the weekend).

@OooPourUsACupLove

"life's too short not to treat yourself"

"Oh I know, I really wish I could but I know from experience sugary food makes me crash really badly. It's such a shame because I really enjoy it at the time, but then I feel dreadful for the rest of the day. But I'll enjoy watching you all enjoy it!"

That's a good idea. It does make me feel so sluggish and triggers binge eating, so that would be true.

Don’t invent a specific medical condition like diabetes, but you could suggest health concerns... eg “No thanks, I’m finding high sugar is giving me nausea/headaches more and more”

@ZaraW

There is someone similar where I work. I just tell her I don't eat crap. She's stopped asking. There's no need to be polite.

Oooh, I like that! Might consider it if this carries on.

You could say that you've realised you are at high genetic risk for diabetes and have been advised that the best way to prevent it is a lower carb diet. Then you can still legitimately make exceptions once a week/month/year as you choose, under the "life's too short", while declining it as often as you need to. Good luck.

If she keeps insisting, tell her you're not hungry, & why would you eat any if you're not hungry?

This happened at a former workplace of mine. A woman who was clearly spiralling into anorexia kept bringing huge cakes in, that she would foist on others while not eating any herself.

I have a history of ED myself, and was absolutely furious that she was being so manipulative while I was trying so hard every day not to let my eating issues spill over into daily life. In the end I went to HR and reported her for compromising my mental health and being unprofessional. Might sound harsh, but I was honestly so angry at her.

Just say no thank you, I'm trying to eat healthily. Then say no thank you more firmly if she persists. She'll give up eventually!

I just say no, thank you. And that's it.

But then again, I am actually a fat bastard. Maybe the rules change there?

Try a clearer 'big deal' answer-

'That looks delicious, you're a great baker, but I don't eat cake. I'm going to sit at the other end of the table- don't bring me cake, the sugar rush makes me ill.'

'That looks so nice- I've never been able to eat sweet stuff without feeling ill later'.

Big it up, the way she bigs up her cake. You have to communicate with people the way they communicate with you- she's big and at length and repetitively relentless with her cake pushing, you need to be equally big and repetitive and relentless with your cake refusal. That's how she'll actually 'hear' what you are saying.

That feeds her need for approval, and clarifies your need to not eat cake.

@ZaraW

There is someone similar where I work. I just tell her I don't eat crap. She's stopped asking. There's no need to be polite.

I like this approach.

Your colleague sounds like a bully. By all means offer cake, but then leave people alone. Where we work we tend to leave any cake in the kitchen and let people know it is there and to help themselves. Why can’t your colleague do similar?

It's nice that she brings cake in, but she needs to accept that not everyone wants it.

I've worked in places where colleagues do a cake dance. Someone brings in cake/biscuits, they're offered round, cake dancer says "oooh I mustn't", people joke about life being short or how good they're being and within 5 seconds the cake dancers says "oh go on then you twisted my arm". The people who said "no thank you" or "I'm cutting down on sweet treats" never took cake. I wonder if she's worked with cake dancers before if she's taking that approach.

Taking offence though is complete silly on her part. It's not hard to accept not everyone wants cake.

If she does it again, just say no!
Tell her to eat your bit !

As usual lots of the respondents here are missing the point. She is wrong to nag people to eat her fucking cake regardless of her own weight or anything else. I know exactly these type of people, cannot handle a polite response and keep on and on. I'm not sure what you can do but keep responding with a polite no because she sounds like the type of person who will get faux 'butt hurt' or emotional if you are more assertive. She sounds like a dick and you are doing a great job not caving to her .

We have a couple of people like this at work, though they're less forceful. Both of them have their own psychological issues with food I think, hence the need to feed others. One is overweight, and the other very petite. Just say no thankyou, you're watching what you eat/reducing your calorie or sugar intake. Don't lie about medical conditions, that's offensive to those who actually do suffer with diabetes

She's rude and a bully. Say "no, thank you" and if she persists say "I said, no thank you" in as forceful a manner as the workplace deems acceptable.

You don't owe her an explanation, don't save her blushes, she'll never change if she doesn't get a direct response.

I wouldn’t mention dieting. It’s no one’s business. Just say I’ve gone off cake. Don’t let her mess with you or your plans.

She is a food bully. I bet if you start being very clear you don’t want it others will join you. Please don’t agonise about it! No thanks is all you need to say. She doesn’t get to decide what you consume!!

'That's kind of you but no, thank you' on repeat?

Tell her you are wheat intolerant. If you eat cake you are always sick.

Just say you’re on a diet and it looks so wonderful you might lose control if you taste it and eat half the cake? That compliments her baking skill while excusing you in a jokey way.

I went through a baking phase when I was single and had nobody to share it with except colleagues, in that job I was known as someone who loved baking and sugar craft (and I was thin). Since getting married and having DC I rarely have time or energy to bake. Maybe that’s why she keeps bringing her baking to work, she has nobody else to share it with? Baking can get quite addictive especially if you keep getting positive feedback.