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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think affairs are more common than we think

301 replies

YukiCarrot · 25/06/2021 11:22

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

This, coupled with some affairs I know of IRL has really rattled me, my trust in men is at an all time low. (i know women have affairs to!)

Has your DP/DH had an affair? Do you know of people who have?

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 25/06/2021 11:22

Journalist ?🙄

CBeebiess · 25/06/2021 11:23

She was having an affair too? She was also married.

Original poster

YukiCarrot · 25/06/2021 11:24

Not a journalist, I think you can see my post history. Sorry, know it seems like a dodgey question I guess

OP posts:

grapewine · 25/06/2021 11:25

Do people think they're uncommon?

Original poster

YukiCarrot · 25/06/2021 11:27

Maybe I am naïve, I didnt think they were as common as it appears they are.

I could never see DP having an affair, but I guess it goes to show you never know

OP posts:

Couldyoulookafterivy · 25/06/2021 11:30

Anyone could have an affair. I have been stunned by the men I’m aware of who have ended up leaving their wives for OW. Seemed happy, settled “ nice guys.” You just cannot tell.

Concerned2021 · 25/06/2021 11:35

I just find it funny when people who are very much in the public eye think they will get away with it !!!

dayswithaY · 25/06/2021 11:42

Seems like most of Whitehall are banging each other.

The older I get, the more people I know who have had an affair or been cheated on.

I used to think it was a game changer now I realise it's just a fact of life for many, many people. Seems like it's part and parcel of a long relationship.

And that's only the ones I know about. Think about all the secret flings that stay secret.

VapeVamp12 · 25/06/2021 11:44

Very common and I think it's increased now that there are about 100 different ways to discreetly message someone via social media apps / linking up with old school friends etc.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/06/2021 11:45

It's very common and the only thing stopping lots of people is lack of opportunity/ finding someone willing to have an affair with them. I think monogamy is great in theory, in practice is now particularly hard to maintain in the face of: increased life expectancy, ability to connect with others through so many means, lack of social stigma to marriage breakdown, second relationships etc.

BetterthanIthink · 25/06/2021 11:46

Very common I think . She was having an affair too !

Moltenpink · 25/06/2021 11:47

The one that shocked me the most was when Cheryl Cole was cheated on. I remember thinking if it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone!

theleafandnotthetree · 25/06/2021 11:55

@Moltenpink

The one that shocked me the most was when Cheryl Cole was cheated on. I remember thinking if it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone!

I think there's two things to that. 1. How gorgeous someone is seems to have damn all to do with whether you are cheated on, equally how nice, clever, funny etc. But equally 2. We have no idea what goes on in other people's marriages/relationships. I know of one woman who was cheated on who was outraged because she saw herself as superior in every way to the OW and in a superficial way she was - looks, clothes, money etc but she was also pretty horrible, unkind and unloving. Life, people and relationships are terribly complicated. And people come to all sorts of accomodations for all sorts of reasons

Dillydollydingdong · 25/06/2021 11:58

Get married at say, 30, and you're looking at 50 years with the same man. I don't know that that's realistic for most people, especially if you're not happy.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/06/2021 12:00

Massively common. I would go as far as saying most men (not all) who have been married 10 years plus would have one IF the opportunity arose and they thought they wouldn't get caught. But, for lots, the opportunity doesn't arise so it's moot.

Many men are only as faithful as their options.

I'm on online dating. There are stacks and stacks of married men on there.

Yellowbrickrobe · 25/06/2021 12:02

Most people I know have either cheated or been cheated on. It’s not uncommon, not sure why you thought it was. I firmly believe that if it was guaranteed that they wouldn’t be found out 99% of people would cheat.

Sparklingbrook · 25/06/2021 12:03

It's really common. I used to work in a bank and lots of people were at it. Nobody ever really acknowledged or mentioned it strangely. It was kind of an accepted thing.

Hestartedoffsowell · 25/06/2021 12:03

Not sure why Cheryl Cole should be a beacon of all hope against affairs? Most odd

Firenight · 25/06/2021 12:03

Really usual. I'm not the slightest bit surprised. Working long hours during an intense time and it's very likely that it will happen.

AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 25/06/2021 12:16

I think a lot of the problem is people thinking that people who have affairs are bad people. It's very hard to fit people we know into that box and we start to question our own judgement and how we "couldn't see it coming" (even if it wasn't our partner). I chose to stay and try to work it out but eventually my ExH and I split as he continued to see the OW. The truth is not all people who have affairs are bad people. Good people do stupid things. Good people do bad things. It's not black and white. I often wonder if the people who post "I never thought it would happen to me, I don't know what to do" are also the same people who post "Leave them, I'd leave them immediately". To answer your question, yes, affairs are very common and so common with women as well as men. Years ago there was more of a "mend and make do" attitude and what our mothers/fathers and grandmothers/fathers put up with, we won't. I know many couples who stayed together and have been held up of beacons of happy marriage after 40 or 50 years where there has been infidelity along the way. I'm not saying this is right, I'm also not saying it's right to leave immediately. It's a personal choice. As I said already, it's not black and white.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 25/06/2021 12:20

It’s been very common since I started work (early 70s),you see a lot from behind a bar or cafe counter where you are invisible to customers.

I thought everyone knew that, if they don’t then that’s the YABU that surprises me.

Odisia · 25/06/2021 12:26

It's really common. I worked in the City for years and there were loads of people having affairs. I'm always amazed by the number of people on here who say 'my DH would never do that'. They're clueless. It happens a lot, for all sorts of reasons.

OhWhyNot · 25/06/2021 12:29

Put people together many will soon start banging

I’ve yet to work anywhere where there isn’t lots of affairs going on

And now being able to woe someone has increased the number of affairs has

Nothing has ever stopped people when they feel that desire religion, marriage and fear of losing/hurting their family even breaking the law and fear of death doesn’t stop people

And the beginning of a sexual relationship is such a fantastic feeling it makes us feel great it’s not only those who are unhappily married who have affairs some it’s opportunity others like the excitement of possibly getting caught other separate love and sex their are many reasons

All humans are fallible

IDontReadEyebrows · 25/06/2021 12:29

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

Really? You’re shocked that an infamously inept idiot and a fucking Tory could be a cheating, duplicitous shit? Ok then…

OhWhyNot · 25/06/2021 12:35

Do you really think a Tory is more likely to have an affair than others from a different political party

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