AIBU to think affairs are more common than we think

[YukiCarrot]

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

This, coupled with some affairs I know of IRL has really rattled me, my trust in men is at an all time low. (i know women have affairs to!)

Has your DP/DH had an affair? Do you know of people who have?

@IDontReadEyebrows

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

Really? You’re shocked that an infamously inept idiot and a fucking Tory could be a cheating, duplicitous shit? Ok then…

I'm surprised that anyone would want to shag him or his boss.

I suppose it depends how common you think they are, but yes they happen a lot.

I also think life is not black and white and plenty of perfectly decent people have affair for lots of complex and not so complex reasons. I don't buy into the idea that having an affair makes you a wicked individual and negates an otherwise good life. People make mistakes and poor decisions in love as much as in any aspect if their lives.

@IDontReadEyebrows

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

Really? You’re shocked that an infamously inept idiot and a fucking Tory could be a cheating, duplicitous shit? Ok then…

I know right...I'd have been more shocked to find out he WASN'T having an affair.

Having said that, and as others have noted, there's no easy delineation of 'good people' who don't have affairs and 'bad people' who do. It is vastly more complicated than that. I know plenty of people who I could safely say probably wouldn't have an affair but it is not necssarily because they are better or moral people - some of them have zero interest in sex with ANYONE, some have too good and comfortable and affluent a life to risk it, some of them are genuinely madly in love with their other half and have everything they need.

I think they are, and most cheaters have the sense to keep quiet about it and hope they get away with it.

I was so naive in my early 20s had this rose tinted view of a happily ever after. 10 years on and I know so many people who have affairs and like other have said good, nice, kind people. I actually dont think we are ment for monogamy but somehow there is still this view in society of getting married and staying together forever

I’m an introvert and I just don’t have a very wide circle of acquaintances but off the top of my head I can think of 5 couples I know who broke up, or got together, because of cheating and I’ve been hit on several times by school dads and one of dh’s friends.

I think it’s fairly common. I’d certainly like to think that dh wouldn’t but he has the opportunity and women flirt with him while I’m standing right beside him.

I think the lack of stigma is a huge factor.

Of course it's common.

It would be better in my opinion if society was able to move towards the idea of serial monogamy being accepted as the norm, rather than the outdated notion of staying with one person until death (which was only ever devised as a way of controlling women, so that men could try to ensure their offspring was really theirs).

This of course would involve individuals being financially independent of each other.

There might be so much less stress, heartache and expense if people expected to have, for example, starter relationships in their 20s, a family-raising relationship in their 30s and 40s, then the freedom and flexibility in later life to date or have other long term relationships.

@TheLeadbetterLife

Of course it's common.

It would be better in my opinion if society was able to move towards the idea of serial monogamy being accepted as the norm, rather than the outdated notion of staying with one person until death (which was only ever devised as a way of controlling women, so that men could try to ensure their offspring was really theirs).

This of course would involve individuals being financially independent of each other.

There might be so much less stress, heartache and expense if people expected to have, for example, starter relationships in their 20s, a family-raising relationship in their 30s and 40s, then the freedom and flexibility in later life to date or have other long term relationships.

Yes, I do think one monogamous relationship whilst you raise children is beneficial, if it can be achieved, but life long happiness with one partner is unrealistic IMO.

I mean, effectively we already have this system, we just collectively pretend that we don't, which makes it all needlessly stressful.

The only people who benefit from this pretence are scandal-mongering news outlets and divorce lawyers.

Yep. Agree with @ohwhynot. . It’s way more common that some people think and the hardline that many take on mumsnet bemuses me. The thought that having an affair is the worst thing someone can do and they should be forever condemned to a life of misery as they’re now a BAD PERSON. No it’s not good behaviour but it happens anytime people who are attracted to each other have the opportunity. Not everyone but many many people - both men and women even though on mumsnet you’d often think that it’s only men who are assholes and it’s always women who are the saintly victims.

Yes, I do think one monogamous relationship whilst you raise children is beneficial, if it can be achieved, but life long happiness with one partner is unrealistic IMO.

It's possible that monogamy during child raising would be more possible if the expectation was that it wasn't forever. Also people might look for suitable partners specifically to have a family with in the first place, leading to better parenting.

Just a theory!

Having worked in HR I can tell you that affairs are very common indeed. 60% of senior male managers in my previous firm had one that I knew of, and a decent other % were flirting/snogging/assaulting female staff.

And it isn't even the obvious ones, it's the boring middle aged ones in clarks shoes abs washable M&S suits

I think affairs are more prevalent than what people like to believe.

Surely most people think that their partner won’t cheat? If they did believe they would, then surely they’d just separate? as what’s the point in staying with a cheater? (Though I do think some people do stay regardless)

So it must be a huge shock to find out that they have cheated. I think more people would cheat if the circumstances arose tbh.

@Hestartedoffsowell

Not sure why Cheryl Cole should be a beacon of all hope against affairs? Most odd

It just seemed so needlessly high risk if you see what I mean? Are you that desperate to cheat, even though the chance of getting outed is so so high? Maybe that’s part of the thrill.

@VapeVamp12

Very common and I think it's increased now that there are about 100 different ways to discreetly message someone via social media apps / linking up with old school friends etc.

Very good point!!

Before social media, dating apps, it would have been more difficult for anyone to have an affair. It’s so so easy now. One message can open up a whole new Pandora’s box.

@TheLeadbetterLife

Of course it's common.

It would be better in my opinion if society was able to move towards the idea of serial monogamy being accepted as the norm, rather than the outdated notion of staying with one person until death (which was only ever devised as a way of controlling women, so that men could try to ensure their offspring was really theirs).

This of course would involve individuals being financially independent of each other.

There might be so much less stress, heartache and expense if people expected to have, for example, starter relationships in their 20s, a family-raising relationship in their 30s and 40s, then the freedom and flexibility in later life to date or have other long term relationships.

Sounds wonderful, sensible and very grown up. Unfortunately, it only works of everyone is on board with it! I left my husband and tried to present it that way but he didn't quite see it that way....

Where I used to work I heard some of the married men did still pull women on nights out. Don't think it tended to be a repeated affair with the same woman though. I was quite surprised about 1 in particular who seemed happy in his relationship! I am confident DH hasn't cheated. I'm not sure where he would find time!

I am not surprised when politicians have affairs. They make their livelihood from lying and dodging the truth. It's hardly surprising that this also applies to their personal lives.

@TheLeadbetterLife

I mean, effectively we already have this system, we just collectively pretend that we don't, which makes it all needlessly stressful.

The only people who benefit from this pretence are scandal-mongering news outlets and divorce lawyers.

Exactly, it's the resisting of it, the lack of acceptance that relationships can end without being seen to have 'failed' that lead to much of the bitterness and acrimony which is so damaging for everybody

There might be so much less stress, heartache and expense if people expected to have, for example, starter relationships in their 20s, a family-raising relationship in their 30s and 40s, then the freedom and flexibility in later life to date or have other long term relationships.

You want people to tell their partner that they will be ok to co-parent, but not interesting or exciting enough to bother staying with long term? That's attractive. 😂

Maybe “bad people have affairs” is too simplistic but I still believe that it speaks to a person’s character.

I wouldn’t want to have a relationship with a cheat, or with the kind of loser who can’t pull his weight around the house and whines about his dw not understanding him.

And I judge women who entertain them - not as bad per se, but as stupid and selfish and self centred.

I firmly believe that a man of character doesn’t cheat, and the “nice guys” that do, may be charming but they’re lacking something important.

There may not be very many people that match up to my standards, though.

@Dillydollydingdong

Get married at say, 30, and you're looking at 50 years with the same man. I don't know that that's realistic for most people, especially if you're not happy.

This is why I think getting married to your fist love is likely to end in disaster. Sadly the chances of getting married at 21 and hoping to spend your life together is highly unlikely.

At least at 30 most people will have experience of multiple partners etc and won’t be wondering what it’s like with someone else

Sounds wonderful, sensible and very grown up. Unfortunately, it only works of everyone is on board with it! I left my husband and tried to present it that way but he didn't quite see it that way....

Well of course, my plan would require the dismantling of thousands of years of patriarchal norms, as well as a major change in the way people handle their finances and careers. Apart from that, though...

my trust in men is at an all time low.

why men? Unless they are all gay, pretty sure there's a woman involved if someone cheats.

Matt H and his mistress are both married, why do you focus on the man cheating?

Well of course, my plan would require the dismantling of thousands of years of patriarchal norms, as well as a major change in the way people handle their finances and careers. Apart from that, though...

you do know that women have the right to divorce at any time, for any reason they choose, don't you? They don't even have to get married in the first place, pretty sure we are able to function as independently as any man.