AIBU to think affairs are more common than we think

[YukiCarrot]

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

This, coupled with some affairs I know of IRL has really rattled me, my trust in men is at an all time low. (i know women have affairs to!)

Has your DP/DH had an affair? Do you know of people who have?

On a different note that Victoria Beckham comment really weirdly annoyed me. Weren't all the Spice Girls household names (and aren't they still)? There isn't even an 'other one' that no one can remember the name of thinking of you, Chris Kirkpatrick of NSYNC.

And it isn't even the obvious ones, it's the boring middle aged ones in clarks shoes abs washable M&S suits

Jeez, OWs, set your standard a bit higher.

@TheLeadbetterLife

Of course it's common.

It would be better in my opinion if society was able to move towards the idea of serial monogamy being accepted as the norm, rather than the outdated notion of staying with one person until death (which was only ever devised as a way of controlling women, so that men could try to ensure their offspring was really theirs).

This of course would involve individuals being financially independent of each other.

There might be so much less stress, heartache and expense if people expected to have, for example, starter relationships in their 20s, a family-raising relationship in their 30s and 40s, then the freedom and flexibility in later life to date or have other long term relationships.

As far as I am aware there is no stigma around ending a relationship that’s run it’s course. The stigma arises when you take a sledge hammer to it by starting an affair with someone’s else, because you are too cowardly to end it as a grown up. Can understand we’re all human and can make mistakes, but cheaters seldom do the decent thing and end the relationship properly, theres usually a lot of gas lighting and manipulation that accompanies it, so it’s not just a case of a decent person making a one off bad decision. Also, people maybe need to acknowledge that relationships will change over time and the giddy excitement you might have felt in your 20s will not last, in the same way it won’t last when you jump ship believing the grass is greener. And I don’t think anyone goes into a relationship thinking you’ll do until I get to my 30s and I want to settle down. I would seriously tell someone to fuck off if they had approached me with that attitude.

YANBU - years ago it used to be the default position to be faithful to your long term partner. Now the default position seems to be to be unfaithful to your partner. It's horrid and it makes me glad i'm single.
How many years ago are we talking?

Profumo?
Elizabeth Taylor?
Hemingway?
Einstein?
Shakespeare?
Henry VIII?
Cleopatra?

I'm more shocked that anyone could fancy Matt Hancock than at anything else.

This. I am not surprised by how common affairs are. I've had a fair few married men make advances when they know I'm single. I don't think they were up for full-on affairs, but if I had wanted a ONS with one of them, I suspect I could have. I haven't had half as many single, available men who were up for it. And a surprising number seemed to think that only PiV counted as infidelity; I very much doubt they had asked their long-term partners about this, though.

Obviously it does take two to tango, but my impression (based on precisely zero scientific surveys) is that men are far more likely to test the waters and see if it could lead to anything, whereas women won't usually be the initiator, at least if they know the other person isn't single.
Men don't always remember to mention things like being married or having a long-term partner, either. I'm sure there are women who initiate things with people who they know aren't single, but I don't think anything like as many men do.

But given so many men do seem to be up for it, surely anyone could do better than Matt Hancock (or Boris Johnson)?

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

YANBU - years ago it used to be the default position to be faithful to your long term partner. Now the default position seems to be to be unfaithful to your partner. It's horrid and it makes me glad i'm single.

This is simply not true. People have always had affairs and always will. At different times in the past the social acceptability of affairs or mistresses and so on has varied (or the way it is categorised - look at Henry VIII and all his concubines), but the fact that lifelong monogamy doesn't work hasn't changed.

I realized recently that I've never been in a job where affairs weren't going on in the workplace. From my first job as a teenager to my current career.

I found the worst for it was boring menial work. People turn towards each other for excitement and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I've been aware of at least 30 affairs, probably more. But I only knew of two spouses finding out. One was quite dramatic. A shoe shop manager had been having an affair with two of our married manageresses simultaneously. But the drama managed to be contained to our workplaces and the wife and husbands never found out.

Although it could well be true, I feel like the "my partner would never" types are usually in their 20s, 30s at a push. By 45 you've seen so many men "who never ever would" get caught out.

I think they are very common - men and women. Having said that I don’t know of anyone who has had an affair in my immediate family/circle of friends apart from one female friend. She had a fling and got caught, she and her long-term partner are still together but only just as he - understandably - has huge trust issues. I’m not excusing what she did but can understand it as she was very unhappy after years of off and on emotional and financial abuse.

I am as sure as I can be that DH wouldn’t have an affair but tend to agree that most men (and women?) in a long-term relationship would if presented with the opportunity and if they believed that they wouldn’t get caught.

Yes, dismissing VB's achievements because she's marriedd to a famous man is much worse than the "sin" of which she was accused in that post. I also strongly suspect that she's the driving force behind the Beckham family brand. It might not be the life I'd choose, but I can see the achievement and it's not all down to DB.

Very common indeed

I don’t agree that affairs are really common, seems to be an argument being put forward by people trying to justify having one with ‘ everyone else is doing it’.

Untrustworthy people who are attracted by and crave power .... like having power, lie easily in their work and personal lives. Probably why politicians are such an unpopular bunch

Give VB a break. Whatever is going on in her marriage, she has been and is successful in her own right. If they are happy, leave them to it.

Poor Martha.Hancock. If I could, I'd give her a big hug.

*and why it seems so many if you're looking at a group. Other careers might attract a less lie oriented, rule breaking bunch

@Notadramallama

I've found reading these answers pretty saddening.

I was cheated on and I think it is pretty back or white. You are either a decent person who ends a relationship before embarking on the next, or you are a shit.

The fact that so many pp are saying that it's just something that happens/not every one who cheats is a bad person etc. rather than condemning the people who cheat is one of the reasons it's so prevalent.

Not long ago we were talking about how we should be calling out the bad behaviour of men who hassle women. We should be calling out bad behaviour wherever it happens, and this includes cheating. It shouldn't be acceptable at all.

I agree with you @Notadramallama

I'm also pretty black and white about fidelity

I sometimes wonder if people would be less likely to have an affair if they thought society would judge them, friends and family would walk away etc

@Backhills

Victoria Beckham was way more successful than her husband when they met

Maybe, but as the weakest link in a terrible girl band! Depends what you define success as. If it's just financial, then yes perhaps she was. Post Spice Girls, I doubt she would have done anything as plain Victoria Adams on her own. She couldn't sing, the designer stuff is smoke and mirrors and she's got very little to offer other than part of a celebrity family.

"There might be so much less stress, heartache and expense if people expected to have, for example, starter relationships in their 20s, a family-raising relationship in their 30s and 40s, then the freedom and flexibility in later life to date or have other long term relationships."

But the above model completely removes the idea of love from the equation. Part of any romantic (and many other) human relationships involves vulnerability and weakness on one or both parties involved - the idea of love (not just attraction but commitment) is supposed to mitigate against that.

You can have the above model of lifetime relationships but it just makes the entire thing totally mercenary

@Backhills

Yes, dismissing VB's achievements because she's marriedd to a famous man is much worse than the "sin" of which she was accused in that post. I also strongly suspect that she's the driving force behind the Beckham family brand. It might not be the life I'd choose, but I can see the achievement and it's not all down to DB.

You obviously know a lot more about her than I do. I just don't see much in the way of personality in Victoria and wonder what she would have achieved on her own without David in the mix. I think it has all come about as you say, a family brand. I didn't like the Spice Girls, even though I was probably their target audience, I was 12 when they appeared on the scene. I thought they were rubbish!

If they split, I wonder what she would do?

I know of lots of affairs in the offices I've worked in. Had a lot of married men try it on with me. A lot of the shagging actually happens inside the office - in quiet rooms or the disabled toilet, there's no cctv usually, working late etc. How people didn't get caught by management I'll never know.

There was a couple of affairs that turned sour though and led to huge screaming matches between the wife's friends and the other woman.

My DP is well aware of certain people at his workplace who constantly cheat on their partners. One lad is very open about the fact he never uses protection and he cheats pretty much every time he goes out drinking.

I do think it's much more common than most people think it is.

In the “olden days” the default position was to shag around. Hence the Camilla /Diana debacle - Charles assumed it was the norm for a man in his position to have a wife and mistress as his forebears had done and was most put out that Diana didn’t see it like that…

@Backhills

Victoria Beckham was way more successful than her husband when they met

Is that true?

I'd like to see your working out.

I just don't see much in the way of personality in Victoria

I don't see a lot in David - don't wish 'em any ill but neither are people I'd want to be stranded in a broken down lift with.

@DynamoKev

I just don't see much in the way of personality in Victoria

I don't see a lot in David - don't wish 'em any ill but neither are people I'd want to be stranded in a broken down lift with.

In that case, Kev, they are probably well matched!

Whats ironic as well is that said person is joking around on FB about Matt Hancocks affair when he himself has cheated in the past. Almost like because it's him, it's OK.
No idea what my sister sees in him to be honest but unfortunately I think she will learn the hard way.

In that case, Kev, they are probably well matched!
I agree - I think they are very well matched and at least they aren't ruining another couple.