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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think affairs are more common than we think

301 replies

YukiCarrot · 25/06/2021 11:22

Just reading about Matt Hancock in the news, was pretty shocked.

This, coupled with some affairs I know of IRL has really rattled me, my trust in men is at an all time low. (i know women have affairs to!)

Has your DP/DH had an affair? Do you know of people who have?

OP posts:
ILoveShula · 25/06/2021 13:22

In every case I know it’s with a younger woman that the husband works with.
Mine too, but also with the female friend who suddenly becomes single.

Emotional affairs are very common.

It's usually the men. The 'OW' usually laughs it off as
'[tinkly laugh] We're just friends'
while letting the man fawn over her.

Ugh.

OllyBJolly · 25/06/2021 13:23

I think a lot of the problem is people thinking that people who have affairs are bad people

I wouldn't like to divide people into "good" or "bad" but there can be no doubt that having a relationship with someone whilst you are married is dishonest and deceitful. The "good" thing to do is to end one before you embark on another. The "better" course of action is to try to make the married relationship work, especially when children are involved, before hopping into the next garden where the grass looks greener.

Snookie00 · 25/06/2021 13:24

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

YANBU - years ago it used to be the default position to be faithful to your long term partner. Now the default position seems to be to be unfaithful to your partner. It's horrid and it makes me glad i'm single.
Infidelity has always been a part of human nature. Perhaps in the past it wasn’t widely talked about and people were forced to stay married due to financial or societal reasons but people have always cheated. It’s naive to think that this is a modern phenomenon.
HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 25/06/2021 13:24

I had an affair. That I could do it shocked me as much as the people I hurt by doing it. This will lead to judgement on here as it has irl. I know, I judged people I knew who had done it before I did, exceptionally harshly. I know now that you can rarely say you’d never do something in life. We don't know ourselves the way we think we do. I think its hugely common.

MiaMarshmallows · 25/06/2021 13:24

Sisters partner has twice on other partners. Been with her about the same time as I have with my partner and said this time it's different but I'm not convinced.
Ironically he got cheated on by his last partner and he couldn't quite believe it. Of course she was the most evil woman to have ever lived where as with him, he only did it because he felt unloved and misunderstood etc. Hmm

Ilovelove · 25/06/2021 13:25

So, when my marriage was going through a particularly rough patch.. I do remember the longing for someone to 'notice me' and to be thought of as attractive and wanted...there was NO affair on my part, NO possibility either but I wanted to express that I can see how it can happen.

JanuaryJonez · 25/06/2021 13:25

My DH says he would never have an affair as it would be doing a dreadful thing to his best friend (I believe him, unless he's a pathological liar).

The ironic thing is that I'd definitely forgive him one affair and I've told him this. What's nice is that it's rubbed off on me too.

Before I met him I was a serial monogamist who had one affair with each of my three previous relationships, and I've been tempted about seven times since we got married almost 20 years ago.

But I just don't think I could bring myself to do it now. It's lovely having your knees go week etc when there's mutual attraction with another man, but whenever I imagine DTD I just think the second we'd finish I'd be full of remorse.

Staying faithful and just flirting a bit does it for me!

godmum56 · 25/06/2021 13:25

I don't know. How common do you think they are?

Mum45678 · 25/06/2021 13:26

@Notadramallama

I've found reading these answers pretty saddening.

I was cheated on and I think it is pretty back or white. You are either a decent person who ends a relationship before embarking on the next, or you are a shit.

The fact that so many pp are saying that it's just something that happens/not every one who cheats is a bad person etc. rather than condemning the people who cheat is one of the reasons it's so prevalent.

Not long ago we were talking about how we should be calling out the bad behaviour of men who hassle women. We should be calling out bad behaviour wherever it happens, and this includes cheating. It shouldn't be acceptable at all.

Absolutely 100% agree with this. I feel so sorry for the partners and children involved.

I was cheated on by my EXH. Seeing this today has brought up a lot of difficult memories. I'll never forget my (then) 6yo crying and asking what she had done to Daddy to make him punish her. My (then) 4yo developed severe separation anxiety whenever I left her anywhere because she thought I would disappear too. While what he did to me was upsetting and hurtful, that pain was finite. It's what it did to them that I will never forgive.

BlueBellsArePretty · 25/06/2021 13:28

@Snookie00
So many people have bought into the myth of romance, happy forever after fantasy and so are shocked when their fantasy gets tarnished.

So do you think expecting your spouse/partner to be faithful is simply an unrealistic fantasy?

problembottom · 25/06/2021 13:30

Affairs are really common. I'm a journalist, there have been loads at my workplace. My sister is a teacher and schools are rife with them too. DP and I have friend who've had affairs. A lot of people don't end relationships until they've lined up a replacement.

I just wonder where people find the energy once they have kids. The thought of having an affair is exhausting! No thanks.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 25/06/2021 13:30

OllyBjolly, with respect, that you assume those who have affairs don't do this ‘ The "better" course of action is to try to make the married relationship work, especially when children are involved, before hopping into the next garden where the grass looks greener.’ Is very short sighted. I tired for years, and I do mean years to work on my marriage. I did so alone, with a partner not willing to face our issues, his own demons or get help in anyway, yet quite happy for me to make gargantuan efforts in every way, including years of counselling. Yet, amongst our family and friends I am the whore.
There is more than one way to cheat on someone. Denying them a happy relationship, that leads to companionship and a feeling of attractiveness, and worthiness and decent sex life is just as hurtful emotionally as sleeping with someone else. I say that as someone also cheated on in the past by someone I deeply loved. The damage my ex husband did to my self worth will take the rest of my life to recover from. He has already moved on.

bookworm20 · 25/06/2021 13:33

@OllyBJolly

I think a lot of the problem is people thinking that people who have affairs are bad people

I wouldn't like to divide people into "good" or "bad" but there can be no doubt that having a relationship with someone whilst you are married is dishonest and deceitful. The "good" thing to do is to end one before you embark on another. The "better" course of action is to try to make the married relationship work, especially when children are involved, before hopping into the next garden where the grass looks greener.

Absolutely this.

I am sure there are people who are seen as 'good' people, who help out in the community, have jobs where they are helping others, provide for their family and great with the kids etc.

But to deceive someone they supposedly love in such a devastating way does not say to me they are in fact a 'good' person. There is something fundamental missing from them.

And if they no longer love their partner to the extent where they are willing to deceive and sometimes irretrievably hurt them, then leave.

An affair, whatever the reasons or circumstances, is to simply make themselves happy without rocking the boat, so to speak. Quite simply, have their cake and eat it and to hell with everyone elses feelings. I don't consider someone like that to be a 'good' person.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/06/2021 13:34

@HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

I had an affair. That I could do it shocked me as much as the people I hurt by doing it. This will lead to judgement on here as it has irl. I know, I judged people I knew who had done it before I did, exceptionally harshly. I know now that you can rarely say you’d never do something in life. We don't know ourselves the way we think we do. I think its hugely common.
Me too @HomicidalPsychoJungleCat. Though it was moreso that I never thought I personally would do it (because I wasn't ever that man/relationship focused rather than because of my 'virtues'). I was always fairly clear eyed that lots of people did and bar the odd yucky serial shagger type most were just ordinary people, no better than worse than the rest of us.
Backhills · 25/06/2021 13:35

I think affairs often (not by any means always) come about because people are trying not to hurt their spouse/family. You can argue that the right thing to do is to admit it and leave, but they know that will cause distress. If they can keep it quiet no one gets hurt. Misguided of course, but I don't think the majority get a thrill from the deception, I think many really struggle with the guilt and are torn about what to do for the best. Serial philanderers who do enjoy the thrill obviously exist too, but I don't think that's what "most" affairs are.

jsp5642 · 25/06/2021 13:35

tbh, I'm surprised Matt Hancock hasn't exploded this year, let alone anything else. The stuff he'd had to deal with in his job would have made most people go bang long ago.

TotorosCatBus · 25/06/2021 13:35

Since half of marriages end in divorce, I don't think it's rare. I suspect that infidelity is a top 5 reason for divorce but won't be used as a reason for divorce on divorce papers as it can inflame a breakup if you drag up affair partners (and it's a bigger hassle as the affair partner is served papers etc)

theleafandnotthetree · 25/06/2021 13:37

@problembottom

Affairs are really common. I'm a journalist, there have been loads at my workplace. My sister is a teacher and schools are rife with them too. DP and I have friend who've had affairs. A lot of people don't end relationships until they've lined up a replacement.

I just wonder where people find the energy once they have kids. The thought of having an affair is exhausting! No thanks.

I used to think the same - who has the time and energy - but when the feelings are awoken, believe me you find the energy. Maybe that's what makes it so attractive, you feel so alive and awake
MrsKrystalStubbs · 25/06/2021 13:37

I’ve just read that his wife is an aristo so I doubt she will leave him.

randomkey123 · 25/06/2021 13:38

My own Dad had repeated affairs, and it's not so easily brushed off when it rips your world apart and your Mum tries to end her life over it. My sister and I lost our family, our home, ended up living with one relative after another while trying to sit exams.... while Mum was sectioned and unable to cope. My childhood was ripped away from me aged 13.

I take a pretty fucking dim view of it as a result.

DynamoKev · 25/06/2021 13:39

@arethereanyleftatall

Massively common. I would go as far as saying most men (not all) who have been married 10 years plus would have one IF the opportunity arose and they thought they wouldn't get caught. But, for lots, the opportunity doesn't arise so it's moot.

Many men are only as faithful as their options.

I'm on online dating. There are stacks and stacks of married men on there.

How is this a uniquely male issue? Presumably it could be almost entirely eradicated if all women refused to have sex/relationships with men who were already taken?
Blossomtoes · 25/06/2021 13:40

My grandparents had to move three times because his other women became too demanding. The first time it cost my gran her dream house and community. The really sad thing is she said she’d have married the nasty little weasel all over again. They had seven daughters and not one of them had a good word to say about him.

ClaudiaWankleman · 25/06/2021 13:40

YANBU - years ago it used to be the default position to be faithful to your long term partner. Now the default position seems to be to be unfaithful to your partner. It's horrid and it makes me glad i'm single.

I'm really not sure about that. Infidelity and cheating has been part of society since its inception, and is well attested to in literature, paintings, medical information etc. It's revisionist to describe the 'default' as monogamy.
Back then, of course, divorce was illegal or practically impossible for many and for some it was such an open secret that it wasn't even remarkable.

Moonface123 · 25/06/2021 13:40

When my husband died l don't think there was one of his married friends that didn't come on to me. I was so naieve, not anymore.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/06/2021 13:41

I agree with the LeadbetterLife entirely; the whole construct of monogamy is woefully outdated, if it ever was 'in date'.

People are no possessions, you can't own them and it's nonsense to say you 'wont share'. The person you're referring to is the only one who decides that.