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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little disappointed at what DD said

161 replies

Tradwifedd · 15/06/2021 23:09

I was talking to DD (17 next week) today and the topic of children came up. DD said she wanted to get married relatively young and give up work and raise children. When I asked further she said she wouldn’t mind cooking and cleaning for her future DH if he earned all the money. I know DD is allowed to lead her own life but Aibu to be a little bit disappointed that she seems to be so 1950s?

OP posts:
Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 15/06/2021 23:12

Sorry but these threads are done to death.

It will just lead to a massive fight between everyone.

Maybe get it deleted and just read the other 100s of threads on the exact same subject.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 15/06/2021 23:13

YABU. Just because that doesn’t make you happy doesn’t mean it’s wrong for other women.

SemperIdem · 15/06/2021 23:14

Have you worked full time throughout her life? If so, that may well be a direct influence on her current aspirations.

My mum worked full time and did very well career wise. I am currently following a very similar career path (not intentionally but circumstance has led to it) and I am miserable. I would give up work tomorrow and be a stay at home mum if I could.

Ginuwine · 15/06/2021 23:15

@Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger

Sorry but these threads are done to death.

It will just lead to a massive fight between everyone.

Maybe get it deleted and just read the other 100s of threads on the exact same subject.

Agreed!!

LoopTheLoops · 15/06/2021 23:16

My sons class did a thing where all the kids wrote what they wanted to be when they were older I was surprised at how many young girls wrote “a mother” , it’s up to her really!

romdowa · 15/06/2021 23:17

It's her life and her decision. There is nothing wrong with being a housewife or a stay at home mother.

Oysterbabe · 15/06/2021 23:17

Kids say all kinds of shit. What is she studying? Does she have any ideas what job she wants?

sausagerole · 15/06/2021 23:20

Isn't (part of) the point of feminism that women can choose to have a career if that's what they want to do. Accepting only women working as a valid choice is just as oppressive as accepting only women staying at home as a valid choice, just in the other direction.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 15/06/2021 23:23

Don't overthink it. I'm a total, financially independent, smash the patriarchy woman but said the same at that age. In reality, love and children are a magical idea to a 17 yr old. Of course they've no concept of the oppression of marriage and especially children. It's just a developmental stage for many girls. Just pray she doesn't do something stupid and gets that love and children in a safe and independent circumstance later in life!

Nextchapterofmybook · 15/06/2021 23:24

Kinda thing I used to say to piss my mum off. Tell her your delighted for her … she’ll come home with a uni prospectus the next day

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 15/06/2021 23:29

@sausagerole I disagree with you. It's a basic adult human requirement to fund your life. A family structure that makes it acceptable for women to be funded by a man is at the heart of the suffering and loss of freedom of millions of women. I totally get that some women choose to stay at home and rely financially on their partner but women 'choose' lots of things to benefit men that are not good for them, even very dangerous.

Is a choice based on brainwashing really a choice?

BrieAndChilli · 15/06/2021 23:30

I agree with a PP, ALL choices are valid.
Women (and men) can work full time or part time or not at all, be straight/gay/bi/asexual, they can have kids or not or adopt or be a step parent, then can marry or not or stay single, have lots of sex or none at all, they can wear pink and glitter and have thier nails done or wear jeans and T-shirt and never wear makeup.
All choices are equally as valid as another, and those choices can change whenever you want them to.
I think a lot of women who work and try and juggle work, commuting, parenthood, marriage, friends, hobbies, housework, caring for elderly parents etc etc would prefer not to work and be able to concentrate on home commitments for a few years.
When my kids were little I was either a SAHM or o worked a couple of evenings a week. It was a decision we made that was the right one for our family. Mine are all teens/tweens now and I am back to working almost full time so it doesn’t have to one or the other forever when it comes to working or not working etc.

UhtredRagnarson · 15/06/2021 23:30

My initial thought was yes, I’d be disappointed if either of my sons “just” wanted to cook and clean and raise children and have no income of their own. I wouldn’t like for them to be so financially vulnerable. Their entire future beyond child rearing massively affected by that choice. But then I thought if child rearing was actually properly valued by society and our government as the vital job it is then anyone choosing that wouldn’t be left worse off throughout their lives and reliant on another person to support them. But we don’t live in that world so I would worry for my sons if that is what they chose. They’ve seen me struggle as a lone parent throughout their lives so I hope they give serious thought to becoming parents.

Trisolaris · 15/06/2021 23:31

What you can do:

Ensure she knows how to recognise an abusive relationship including emotional and financial abuse.

Encourage her to continue her education/skills as much as possible so that she has more options in supporting her family e.g if her future husband was ever made redundant or in the case of divorce and she needed to rebuild her career even if she doesn’t ever use them.

Help her understand finances, childcare costs, credit, etc

You don’t need to discourage her if this is what she wants but you can help her better understand the realities and possible vulnerabilities and disadvantages like you would with a professional career so she can be better prepared.

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 15/06/2021 23:33

I told you!

Someone's going to get hurt in a minute!

AnnaSW1 · 15/06/2021 23:33

This is what I always wanted but I was top of class at school and was expected to go to uni and get a high paying job and career and I did. However it was all just treading water until I had children and I thank my lucky stars for my children every day. Given the choice I'd have gone straight to having children and had lots more.

BrieAndChilli · 15/06/2021 23:35

[quote WishingHopingThinkingPraying]@sausagerole I disagree with you. It's a basic adult human requirement to fund your life. A family structure that makes it acceptable for women to be funded by a man is at the heart of the suffering and loss of freedom of millions of women. I totally get that some women choose to stay at home and rely financially on their partner but women 'choose' lots of things to benefit men that are not good for them, even very dangerous.

Is a choice based on brainwashing really a choice?[/quote]
Life is all about bartering and exchange. SAHM are just doing a different type of work in exchange for being financially provided for.
Working in a nursery or as a childminder is a valid and worthy job that people actually get paid for. For some families it’s makes no sense for one of the parents to go out to work in order to pay all of that money to someone else to look after the children. It makes more sense for the parent to do the caring if the end financial result is the same!!
I actually wasn’t more money in my pocket working 2/3 evenings a week than I would have done sending my 3 children to childcare. I wanted to be hole with them while they were little and DH recognised that my contribution to family life although wasn’t very much financially, was worth more in terms of caring for our kids, and keeping family life running. Now they are a bit older I am working pretty much full time and have just had a good promotion so as I said before the decisions you make are fluid and based on what is best for the family at any particular time

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 15/06/2021 23:41

[quote WishingHopingThinkingPraying]@sausagerole I disagree with you. It's a basic adult human requirement to fund your life. A family structure that makes it acceptable for women to be funded by a man is at the heart of the suffering and loss of freedom of millions of women. I totally get that some women choose to stay at home and rely financially on their partner but women 'choose' lots of things to benefit men that are not good for them, even very dangerous.

Is a choice based on brainwashing really a choice?[/quote]
There's a lot of suffering in the world. You can't put all the suffering of women on the shoulders of those who choose to wake up everyday and spend it bringing up their own children. Fuck me.
What should we be doing.
Pushing out the baby and jumping back on the treadmill?
It's OK to stay at home to look after the child you birthed. It's also OK to send them to childcare and work.
Don't shame women into the work place.

Sloelydoesit · 15/06/2021 23:48

Giving up financial independence is a dangerous thing in these times.
I don't have a daughter, but my advice to all young women is to never give up the ability to look after yourself from a money perspective. Then you can choose everything else after that.
There are so many stories of women unable to leave a relationship because they cannot afford to do so. Because they gave up their financial independence.
So they waste their lives being miserable.
That's the greatest tragedy.
And being a good role model for your children from a 'looking after yourself' perspective is the greatest gift

Cowbells · 15/06/2021 23:52

@sausagerole

Isn't (part of) the point of feminism that women can choose to have a career if that's what they want to do. Accepting only women working as a valid choice is just as oppressive as accepting only women staying at home as a valid choice, just in the other direction.
This should be true in theory but it's dependent on marrying a genuinely feminist man who sees raising family and keeping home as a job of equal validity to his own and who gladly fairly shares out the money he earns in return. In reality I have never seen this happen. Ever. The woman, her work and her status get gradually devalued. The man feels put upon and starts to reclaim pockets of money for himself that she has no access to.And if he wanders off, she is left with no up to date work experience and no emergency funds.
GloriousMystery · 15/06/2021 23:54

Yes, I’d be horrified. (Might that have been the intention, to shock and irritate, though?) If you think she’s actually serious, have her read the Relationships forum on here, which constitutes a more than adequate argument for never even contemplating being a SAHM.

spongedog · 16/06/2021 00:07

[quote WishingHopingThinkingPraying]@sausagerole I disagree with you. It's a basic adult human requirement to fund your life. A family structure that makes it acceptable for women to be funded by a man is at the heart of the suffering and loss of freedom of millions of women. I totally get that some women choose to stay at home and rely financially on their partner but women 'choose' lots of things to benefit men that are not good for them, even very dangerous.

Is a choice based on brainwashing really a choice?[/quote]
I was thinking mostly this, then thought gosh that looks very strong written down. So these are my thoughts.

I totally agree with the poster about the harm to women done by the decisions that they take - for whatever reason - to "benefit" men.

Yes I get some of the arguments from other pps that it is a women's right to choose their path, but I am not sure that path is always influenced or directed by people with an UNinvested interest. It suits men for women to pick up childcare and for their life to take no impact from children. This is fine (usually) if the marriage/relationship survives. It normally isn't OK is the marriage doesn't last. Thinking pensions/career prospects.

Truthfully I would be disappointed if any child of mine younger than 25 (more like 30) was even thinking about children. Very few professional careers get off the ground before then and these should be and must be open to women and men alike.

NekoShiro · 16/06/2021 00:10

That was my default answer until I was about 22, I genuinely didn't think there was another option for me personally, but I'm 30 now and childfree while trying to figure out what my careers is gonna be, so I wouldn't worry too much, just be sure to talk her through majors things like what motherhood actually entails beyond 'feeding and watching a baby', that was a pretty stark wake up call for me tbh

Rainbowsew · 16/06/2021 00:13

In a fair and stable relationship there is nothing wrong with that choice, but she needs to be confident that that would've the case in future. As a straightforward exchange of labour can work, but only if both parties agree on boundaries and outcomes and how money will be spent and children raised.

Naiveity comes into play here. She probably has no concept of abusive relationships, of patriarchal society, of lack of equality, of the frustrations previous generations of women had etc.

I wouldn't make much of it now other than to ensure she is aware of things like the different types of abuse, she has good self esteem and that she is loved and supported in her choices. She has the best chance of making a successful choice that way.

partyatthepalace · 16/06/2021 00:14

She’s 17! She’s trying stuff on. Don’t take any of it to heart. I wouldn’t comment in a head on way but I would take any opportunities to remind her of why it matters to have your own money.