to be a little disappointed at what DD said

[Tradwifedd]

I was talking to DD (17 next week) today and the topic of children came up. DD said she wanted to get married relatively young and give up work and raise children. When I asked further she said she wouldn’t mind cooking and cleaning for her future DH if he earned all the money. I know DD is allowed to lead her own life but Aibu to be a little bit disappointed that she seems to be so 1950s?

She can want that path all she likes but nowadays it’s not very realistic. People are having children later in life, so I think she’ll struggle to find a man who is happy to have kids in his 20s. Also, the only SAHMs I know have partners who are very high earners. With property prices etc being so crazy she’ll either need a high earning man or will have to live extremely frugally, which I assume won’t be appealing to her.

@Tradwifedd
It sounds like you need to educate her about pension, NI and the importance of marriage for financial protection if she doesn't work

Haha I was a SAHM once.. was the most stressful time of my life so I went back to work full time and now everyone is much happier.

But my dream was to stay at home with the kid(s) - it works for some people and not for others. I don’t know why your worried as long as she sensible in protecting herself financially before she relies on her future DH.

She can dream but she also can’t possibly know if that will be on the cards for her.

All you can do is tell her that if that’s how life will be for her then that’s fine but she needs to have a way of leaving any relationship at any time and a way of stepping up financially if she needs to. That boils down to keeping herself in education.

In fairness to her, she can’t possibly know how hard raising children and doing endless housework is yet so wouldn’t be surprised if she changed her mind on that one once she has to do all her own washing!

Just remind her that she is more likely to meet a future partner who can support her and her future lifestyle if she puts in a bit of effort and gets herself to a decent University on an academic ( preferably STEM ) course. Point to Kate Middleton, who fair enough managed it on an Arts based course, but hit the jackpot in terms of not working and having a very comfortable lifestyle.

@viques stem courses aren't always preferable. We need a workforce with a wide range of knowledge and skillset.

@CJsGoldfish

To be completely honest, I'd wonder where I went wrong if my daughter thought that was the best she could do. It's such a low bar

What an incredibly depressing comment.

OP YABVU

Why is paid work seen as 'better' than keeping a home and raising children? The latter is hugely important and comments such as the one above don't help.

I was a SAHM for 15 years raising 3 children. It was hard work but I had time to myself once they were at school. I saw my working friends trying to juggle work and childcare, it was very difficult for some.

Feminism is about choice. And I have to say some women do not make sensible choices that benefit them. Trying to work full time, care for their children and still do the majority of the housework as men often don't step up. More fool them.

The whole point of 'femanism' is that we get to choose.

Frankly I never understood why anyone would want to miss out on their children growing up just to work 40+ hours a week making someone else rich (even if it comes with a good salary, Im not a money driven person)... however its their choice.

Same way I know others that think SAHM have no purpose or self pride, my mam is one of these and constantly asks when Im going to get a real job then bombards me with crappy minimum wage jobs that would mean paying someone else to raise my kids most of the week because 'I'll feel better if I contribute' (I feel perfectly happy contributing to my childrens happy childhood btw).

My mam was the type I dont understand and Im clearly a type she doesnt understand but Im the type she doesnt understand because I grew up with her being the type she is and I HATED it and deserately wanted her around more.

Interesting my mam had a SAHM so was the opposit of her mother, I wonder if my kids will grow up to be the opposit of me too.

Your daughter may feel that way at the moment and change her mind next month. She is still very young, at different times in our lives we find certain ideas attractive but they don't always stick.

As long as she isn't doing it right now, I wouldn't worry too much.

OP, the only thing you can do is to provide your daughter with all the information re legalities of divorce, stats, changing mind later in life/returning to work. Also emotional part of being financially dependent on someone and being dictated/having to discuss or even pre approve all the personal purchases.
She is very young, she might change her mind

@romdowa

It's her life and her decision. There is nothing wrong with being a housewife or a stay at home mother.

No. It shouldn't be seen as 'nothing wrong' with it, that is implying it is second best to having a career. It's not. It's equally important.

There is also 'nothing wrong' with working full time and putting your children in childcare.

Why project your own idea of a happy life onto her? If she knows what she wants, more power to her. I always knew that I wanted to be a mother above all else, and that I would sacrifice a career for it if I had to. Compatibly with that, I knew that I probably wouldn't have to, and have gone on to have a normal life with job, travel, etc. as well as children. Doesn't mean that I was wrong to prioritise desire for children, even when I was a teenager!

Can imagine someone else being equally disappointed at child wanting to dedicate life working hard in the london ratrace, spend all their time vagabonding around South America or accumulating ever more expensive degrees. At the end of the day, it's fine not to have the 'uni -> interesting job -> well paid job -> house and family where both work, interesting holidays, independent hobbies' life that we all seem to have on this site.

But also she's 17, life never goes to plan.

Call me cynical but there have been so many of these sahp v wohp threads of late, under different guises, that I think they may be generated automatically once a dip in advertising revenue has been detected at MN HQ

@chestnutshell

She can dream but she also can’t possibly know if that will be on the cards for her.

All you can do is tell her that if that’s how life will be for her then that’s fine but she needs to have a way of leaving any relationship at any time and a way of stepping up financially if she needs to. That boils down to keeping herself in education.

In fairness to her, she can’t possibly know how hard raising children and doing endless housework is yet so wouldn’t be surprised if she changed her mind on that one once she has to do all her own washing!

do working people not wash their clothes

There was a programme a bit like 'Seven Years Up' where they tracked some children, every four years I think. One was a shy girl from a small town who in her teens said she could never imagine living anywhere else but her home town. Next time they caught up with her she was in her second or third year of teaching in a remote Chinese town, having the time of her life. I loved how much she had spread her wings in that time.

Sorry , meant to add, to OP: she is still so young. In her twenties so many opportunities will come her way and open her eyes.

[quote Sweak]@viques stem courses aren't always preferable. We need a workforce with a wide range of knowledge and skillset.[/quote]
I agree, but I’m thinking of it in terms of her future partners potential earning capacity, a good STEM qualification is likely to lead to a well paid career, as opposed to a degree in Classics, Geography, Media Studies or Drama.

I think it's fine wanting to do this as long as it's a genuine desire not just what she considers an easy route out of the anxiety of building a career. She should also be well aware that it might not be possible. She might not meet anyone until she's older and he might not want the set up she's describing or be able to afford to support a family. Obviously divorces happen too.

@viques I hope you are joking? No one should pick their degree course based on trying to find a man with a big earning potential.

She is 17. IME 17 year olds say lots of things that amount to nothing. My DC did. I did. My friends at that age did I really wouldn't take it too seriously.

Also, how messy are all your houses that you think all SAHM's do is house work and washing! You must be messy buggers and you're not even at home that much during the day!

All of my children have at some point said they want to marry a rich partner. I've said if they marry for money, they'll earn every cent. It's a quote I read somewhere which has always stuck with me! Kids/teens say silly things. I wouldn't dwell on it too much.

@gotalottolose

She can want that path all she likes but nowadays it’s not very realistic. People are having children later in life, so I think she’ll struggle to find a man who is happy to have kids in his 20s. Also, the only SAHMs I know have partners who are very high earners. With property prices etc being so crazy she’ll either need a high earning man or will have to live extremely frugally, which I assume won’t be appealing to her.

Im in my mid 30s, most of my friends are older and around 40 and yet everyone I know that has kids had kids between 16-28 - its really not unusual.

You area, lifestyle and circle might be more prone to older parents but that doesnt mean young parents (who are more likely to be SAHP because they havent built a huge career they have to fight to hold onto btw) suddenly dont exist, there are millions of young parents every year.

Also we dont all live in huge cities like London, property prices start around £30k here, hardly high earner salary and why 'assume' she needs a high income life as I said in my other post many people like me arent money driven.

Yes we are low income but I have zero urge to have the latest phone, designer items, long haul holidays etc... my time with my kids is worth so much more to me than material things.

Sounds like a sensible choice to me. Presumably she sees plenty of women working full time and doing all the chores at home and childcare too and has decided fuck that for a laugh, I'm not doing all that.