to be a little disappointed at what DD said

[Tradwifedd]

I was talking to DD (17 next week) today and the topic of children came up. DD said she wanted to get married relatively young and give up work and raise children. When I asked further she said she wouldn’t mind cooking and cleaning for her future DH if he earned all the money. I know DD is allowed to lead her own life but Aibu to be a little bit disappointed that she seems to be so 1950s?

Does she do much cooking and cleaning now? Being a housewife is a bit of a fairytale daydream when an actual job seems like too much hard work but the reality of no financial independence and being a skivvy for a man is something else all together

Sounds better than working full time, giving up over 70% of your life to a job, only seeing your children a couple of hours a day and two days weekly when you are trying to catch up on housework all life admin. (My life).

I have a career and to be quite honest I’d quite happily give it up if I was in a financial position to do so. Work is boring and tedious and would sucking even if you have a good job.

Having aspirations to manage your own time and enjoy family doesn’t seem all bad to me. Of course this is somewhat of a fantasy for most given current living costs and devotee rates but hey, the idea isn’t all bad.

She might be saying it to irritate you.

I have countless friends who haven't lived up to their potential career wise. I do think it's a waste of the school fees and often fantastic degrees they gained (this was before universities started charging fees too!)x Most seem happy, some are trapped in unhappy marriages with no chance to escape, as they stayed as SAHMs well past their DCs starting school.

I don't have a daughter, but I'll be advising my nieces and goddaughter to always pursue their own careers and remain financially self-sufficient even if they marry, have children etc.

• divorce

[quote WishingHopingThinkingPraying]@sausagerole I disagree with you. It's a basic adult human requirement to fund your life. A family structure that makes it acceptable for women to be funded by a man is at the heart of the suffering and loss of freedom of millions of women. I totally get that some women choose to stay at home and rely financially on their partner but women 'choose' lots of things to benefit men that are not good for them, even very dangerous.

Is a choice based on brainwashing really a choice?[/quote]
Again, your argument is assuming that brainwashing only works in one direction. It doesn't. How infantilising to assume that women who see value in raising their children full-time and the SAHM logistics of preparing food, practicing household administration, cleaning etc are 'brainwashed'.

As another poster has said downthread - all of the skills used as a SAHM have financial value in the workplace; caring for children, cleaning, administration, teaching etc. But heaven forbid a woman chooses to make that investment in her family rather than earning money for those skills. She's 'brainwashed'?

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying

I'm also interested in this...

"It's a basic adult human requirement to fund your life."

How does this apply to people who use parents/friends as ongoing, affordable childcare? Many, many people could not afford to work without this.

I'm not questioning this as a legitimate decision, but it's wrong to draw comparisons and claim that working outside the home is 'funding your life' and being a SAHM isn't.

In all cases, the arrangement relies on an agreement between two parties (the 'child-carer' and the 'earner') that one will provide care for the children whilst the other is enabled to work for financial return, which they may or may not share with the child-carer depending on their arrangements. For a mum (I'm specifying because we're talking about women particularly) who works outside the home she will be the earner and a child-carer a friend or relative (or nursery), and for a SAHM she is the child-carer and her partner the earner.

Why is one arrangement considered appropriately 'funding ones life', and the other considered 'brainwashing'?

Life is all about bartering and exchange. SAHM are just doing a different type of work in exchange for being financially provided for. Working in a nursery or as a childminder is a valid and worthy job that people actually get paid for. For some families it’s makes no sense for one of the parents to go out to work in order to pay all of that money to someone else to look after the children. It makes more sense for the parent to do the caring if the end financial result is the same!!

But surely you can see that the difference between being a SAHM and working as a childminder is that the childminder or nursery worker is paid a salary which is independent of her relationship. A SAHM is economically dependent on her relationship with the breadwinner continuing, and almost half of marriages end in divorce. Yes, obviously marriage means that assets will be split etc in the event of a divorce, and there is the CMS, but I've yet to meet the ordinary SAHM who came out of a divorce anywhere near as financially comfortable as she would have been if she'd been earning on her own behalf.

It's an incredibly precarious position to put yourself in, to make your income dependent on your relationship.

I highly doubt she will feel like that when it comes to it!

I wouldn't take her comment too seriously. My stepsister always said she wanted to get married young and have three children close together. She is now early 30s, works full time and has no children.

Tbh I don't really see why one partner doing the cooking and cleaning is a problem if the other works full time? My husband works full time and I work part time. I do all of the cooking and most of the cleaning and we both care for our daughter when we're at home.

@GloriousMystery

Life is all about bartering and exchange. SAHM are just doing a different type of work in exchange for being financially provided for. Working in a nursery or as a childminder is a valid and worthy job that people actually get paid for. For some families it’s makes no sense for one of the parents to go out to work in order to pay all of that money to someone else to look after the children. It makes more sense for the parent to do the caring if the end financial result is the same!!

But surely you can see that the difference between being a SAHM and working as a childminder is that the childminder or nursery worker is paid a salary which is independent of her relationship. A SAHM is economically dependent on her relationship with the breadwinner continuing, and almost half of marriages end in divorce. Yes, obviously marriage means that assets will be split etc in the event of a divorce, and there is the CMS, but I've yet to meet the ordinary SAHM who came out of a divorce anywhere near as financially comfortable as she would have been if she'd been earning on her own behalf.

It's an incredibly precarious position to put yourself in, to make your income dependent on your relationship.

No one will dispute that it maybe a precarious position. But I see so many things in life as precarious. We all rely on other people to take care of us in some way. We are all reliant on other people doing as they are told and getting us through life.

I understand being a SAHM isn't for you. But I don't think we should knock it on the head for future generations.

Also it's very easy to see the negatives. The countless threads on this website about women working and doing all the childcare and housework. I read those threads and think. Fuck that! Sounds like a miserable existence. And I'm sure people will only see the negatives in the SAHM existence.

Sometimes being a SAHM works. Sometimes working full time works. It's all a risk.

To be completely honest, I'd wonder where I went wrong if my daughter thought that was the best she could do. It's such a low bar

@BrieAndChilli

I agree with a PP, ALL choices are valid. Women (and men) can work full time or part time or not at all, be straight/gay/bi/asexual, they can have kids or not or adopt or be a step parent, then can marry or not or stay single, have lots of sex or none at all, they can wear pink and glitter and have thier nails done or wear jeans and T-shirt and never wear makeup. All choices are equally as valid as another, and those choices can change whenever you want them to. I think a lot of women who work and try and juggle work, commuting, parenthood, marriage, friends, hobbies, housework, caring for elderly parents etc etc would prefer not to work and be able to concentrate on home commitments for a few years. When my kids were little I was either a SAHM or o worked a couple of evenings a week. It was a decision we made that was the right one for our family. Mine are all teens/tweens now and I am back to working almost full time so it doesn’t have to one or the other forever when it comes to working or not working etc.

” ALL choices are valid. Women (and men) can work full time or part time or not at all, be straight/gay/bi/asexual, they can have kids or not or adopt or be a step parent, then can marry or not or stay single, have lots of sex or none at all, they can wear pink and glitter and have thier nails done or wear jeans and T-shirt and never wear makeup.”

To this paragraph i just want to:♥️♥️♥️♥️.
Seriously, i wish there more people like you, with this kind of world view!!

Meh. All choices are valid. I'd just warn her about being an unmarried SAHM if she doesn't have independent wealth.

Sometimes people want the opposite of what they grew up with. I have a friend with an incredibly driven mom with an amazing career, she was the main earner - his brother married a woman who wants to have many babies and be a SAHM. Drives his mum nuts as she doesn't see why women don't want their own careers and how a woman like this could appeal to one of her son's.

But as I said above, all choices are valid.

What a depressing prospect. But not necessarily how it will pan out. In future, I wonder if more men will want to be hands on parents, and unwilling to subsidise a SAHM financially

@notanothertakeaway

What a depressing prospect. But not necessarily how it will pan out. In future, I wonder if more men will want to be hands on parents, and unwilling to subsidise a SAHM financially

You can still be a hands on dad and provide financially. Just like you can be a hands on mum and provide financially. There's no difference!

Sorry but these threads are done to death. It will just lead to a massive fight between everyone

Which I think might be OP's intention...

Fortunately we can choose whether to engage or not.

Train her up by making her do all the housework at home. I guarantee she will be finding ways to become a career women after that. I am part Indian and part Romany and have found the only people who romanticise being a housewife are the ones who aren’t actually doing housework and have no idea how to manage everything. In my communities those who become housewives do it with both eyes open and usually because they have no other option.

@RedthroatedCaracara

Sorry but these threads are done to death. It will just lead to a massive fight between everyone

Which I think might be OP's intention...

Fortunately we can choose whether to engage or not.

I've got so sucked in! I always do. I feel like people are personally bashing me. I need to get a hold of myself I think. Right. I'm off to scrub DHs shit out of the toilet and polish is throne!

I wouldn't knock the concept of being a sahm with her. I would however strongly advise she gets her education and/or some sort of career started first. That's not knocking young sahms...it's just going to be easier for her long term to get into the workplace with some experience.

To the poster who said about 'brainwashing'. How insulting and simplistic. How interesting that for some posters looking after children is absolutely fine..as long as you are paid and they aren't your own!

OP I also think kids say all sorts of stuff they don't mean. I would assume it's a flippant comment without any thought to the consequences. Teenagers change their minds constantly!

Its unusal id say these days but then again its how i was brought up my dm quit her job when i was born and never went back-im also a housewife

I said the opposite at her age got educated to post grad level, then found working was really just a load of stress and pressure, got married, had a baby and found I much preferred being a SAHM. I was lucky to have that choice though as not everyone can afford to be a SAHM even if they would like to.

I'm another whose mother stopped work when I was born and she didn't go back until I left for university! And I have been mostly a housewife and mostly loved it.

Haven't read the full thread but she might just be saying it for the sake of it? When I was younger I said the same and told my parents I wouldn't be going to uni but ended up with a variety of degrees etc.

She's still young, things will change.

My advice to her would be to keep all options open for as long as possible.

do you work?
did you have her young?
is she in sixth form or at college?

where are you op? @Tradwifedd

interesting user name though.