Page 4 | to be a little disappointed at what DD said

chestnutshell · 16/06/2021 11:50

@mam0918 I mean, I actually don’t to be fair but that isn’t what I meant. I meant that when she gets a taste of how boring housework is she may not want to do it all the time with no help from a partner.

bendmeoverbackwards · 16/06/2021 11:52

She needs to be financially prepared for divorce, being a single mother etc

And what would happen to a working man if his SAH wife died or upped and left? He'd be left with a huge financial bill outsourcing all the jobs his wife did. Financial dependence works both ways.

DinoHat · 16/06/2021 11:54

@Tradwifedd

I was talking to DD (17 next week) today and the topic of children came up. DD said she wanted to get married relatively young and give up work and raise children. When I asked further she said she wouldn’t mind cooking and cleaning for her future DH if he earned all the money. I know DD is allowed to lead her own life but Aibu to be a little bit disappointed that she seems to be so 1950s?

I said the same growing up. Sounds nice on paper. I’m still a solicitor now.

chestnutshell · 16/06/2021 11:54

And I agree with those saying that feminism is about choice but that doesn’t mean you get to make that choice unilaterally. Either she needs a vast private wealth (which seems like she doesn’t have as you haven’t mentioned it), or it’ll need to be agreed with her partner/husband.

Lira91 · 16/06/2021 11:55

In a dream world I would love nothing more than to stay at home with my kids and just do my creative freelance on the side. I've been working full time since I was 18 with only 2 gaps where I was on maternity leave for my 2 kids and I'm feeling a bit burnt out already tbh after only 11 years. But the reality is that we can't afford to survive on one income since neither me or DH are high earners despite both having degrees etc. Let her do what she wants but also advise her to have something to fall back on.

MissTrip82 · 16/06/2021 11:56

Yes, I’d be disappointed if my kid saw another human being as a meal ticket. It’s not a nice way to view people. It also very much restricts her future dating to only those who can fund her lifestyle. Unpleasant.

How she feels now might not be how she feels forever though!

Covert19 · 16/06/2021 11:57

It's probably a way of opting out of the pressure of having to think about career etc. At that age I thought about being a nun for the same reason - it seemed like a lifestyle where a lot of the pressure to "succeed" has been removed.

When I was a Uni, my main goal in life was to marry and have children. That was my dream, but I also worked towards being able to support myself in case that didn't happen (or it all went wrong).

I met a good man and achieved my goal of being a SAHM, but I also have qualifications and a career (a) to earn some money which enabled me to give up work when the children came along and (b) to go back to when the children become more independent.

I wouldn't worry too much about what your 17yo says. She will change her mind or refine her ideas as she matures.

RaspberryCoulis · 16/06/2021 11:58

@Tradwifedd

I was talking to DD (17 next week) today and the topic of children came up. DD said she wanted to get married relatively young and give up work and raise children. When I asked further she said she wouldn’t mind cooking and cleaning for her future DH if he earned all the money. I know DD is allowed to lead her own life but Aibu to be a little bit disappointed that she seems to be so 1950s?

YABU.

Your opening post, and your user name, are a clear attempt at goady fuckery.

morepizza · 16/06/2021 11:59

@Tradwifedd

I was talking to DD (17 next week) today and the topic of children came up. DD said she wanted to get married relatively young and give up work and raise children. When I asked further she said she wouldn’t mind cooking and cleaning for her future DH if he earned all the money. I know DD is allowed to lead her own life but Aibu to be a little bit disappointed that she seems to be so 1950s?

You sound judgmental. How very '50s indeed.

Blossomtoes · 16/06/2021 12:06

@sausagerole

Isn't (part of) the point of feminism that women can choose to have a career if that's what they want to do. Accepting only women working as a valid choice is just as oppressive as accepting only women staying at home as a valid choice, just in the other direction.

Exactly that. Couldn’t agree more.

NewlyGranny · 16/06/2021 12:09

She's young yet. Think back to yourself at 17 and how much you had to learn. But do make sure she sees some good rôle models!

2bazookas · 16/06/2021 12:17

It's pretty typical for a new generation to shrug off their parents ideas and want to do the complete opposite, to assert themselves as different and individual.

Just grit your teeth , pour yourself a glass of wine and stop worrying. If she ever does have a career/children/ etc you'll be told that everything you ever mistakenly thought you knew about business/ the workplace/pregnancy/childbirth/raising children is all hopelessly out of date anyway. Each new generation wants to re-invent the wheel all by themselves.

LittleTiger007 · 16/06/2021 12:24

I said exactly the same thing at her age. I wanted 5 children by the time I was 30 and a rich husband. In reality I had a career and travelled the world living on 4 separate continents for over a year in each place before finally settling down and having children (in my 40s)
One thing you learn as you ‘grow up’ is that you can not plan life. It happens whilst you are busy having fun/doing your thing.

JediGnot · 16/06/2021 12:25

@romdowa

It's her life and her decision. There is nothing wrong with being a housewife or a stay at home mother.

And there's nothing wrong with being disappointed that you see it as settling for second best in someone that you thought had been brought up to see the world as full of endless possibilities.

It is also risky - what if future DP provides 3 kids and then disappears?

FWIW I completely agree that SAHM (or dad) is perfectly legitimate as a way of living your life, and if you combine it with good friends and hobbies it could be much more fulfilling that a good job might be. I'm not anti-SAHM/D, but I am anti- putting yourself in a supporting role box at a young age.

41sunnydays · 16/06/2021 12:30

It depends on why she is saying this.

My sister wanted to be a housewife and raise her kids but no so much because she 'enjoyed it' but because she didn't want to study or work.

Now as a 40 plus adult she realises her husband is a loser and she's had to work but as she dropped out of uni and works hard in admin roles but this isn't enough to live off really.

I would love to be a house wife too but actually I prefer giving my children a good standard of living and setting a good example to them

njg575 · 16/06/2021 12:37

@Sloelydoesit

Giving up financial independence is a dangerous thing in these times. I don't have a daughter, but my advice to all young women is to never give up the ability to look after yourself from a money perspective. Then you can choose everything else after that. There are so many stories of women unable to leave a relationship because they cannot afford to do so. Because they gave up their financial independence. So they waste their lives being miserable. That's the greatest tragedy. And being a good role model for your children from a 'looking after yourself' perspective is the greatest gift

I agree with you @Sloelydoesit

Relying solely on your partner/benefits makes you quite vulnerable financially, emotionally.

Staying at home works if there is mutual respect between parents and a long term goal in place - such as returning at work when kids are school age or the other agreeing to do the chores.

Onairjunkie · 16/06/2021 12:39

I’d be gutted if a daughter of mine aimed no higher than that.

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 16/06/2021 13:02

@Onairjunkie

I’d be gutted if a daughter of mine aimed no higher than that.

You can aim for both you know!

gotalottolose · 16/06/2021 13:27

Sorry but you seem to have taken my post as some sort of attack on SAHMs. I’m not slating them at all. I’d love that kind of life, but it’s not achievable for everyone.

My point is that the average age for first time parents is nearly 30. The average house price is nearly £250k, so maybe in your area you can buy £30k houses, but that’s not the norm at all. And no, I don’t live in a big city, near London, or anywhere particularly desirable.

I just mentioned the lifestyle stuff because a 17 year old may see SAHM as a kind of ladies who lunch lifestyle and it’s not. No need to yell at me because you think I’m prioritising the latest iPhone over taking care of my children. I don’t have fancy stuff or long haul holidays either.

morepizza · 16/06/2021 13:51

@Onairjunkie

I’d be gutted if a daughter of mine aimed no higher than that.

I'd be gutted if my mother was a judgemental prick

Oblomov21 · 16/06/2021 14:03

Ds1, same age was telling me that literally none of his year want to have children. They were discussing it in a PHSE class and a few of the girls said they did. Apparently what ensued was an interesting discussion on Patriarchal society, family values, millennials and their view of their own families, and being entitled!

Faultymain5 · 16/06/2021 14:03

@CJsGoldfish

To be completely honest, I'd wonder where I went wrong if my daughter thought that was the best she could do. It's such a low bar

Although I think this way too (I just can't help it), I dont' think it's true that it's a low bar.

It's something I wouldn't be able to do well. Mostly because it's boring as hell (to me). But just because I couldnt' do it well doesn't mean it shouldn't be someone's raison d'etre for a few years. I'd seriously wonder what I could do once they've grown up though.

morepizza · 16/06/2021 14:06

I do wonder what some people do for work that is more fulfilling than bringing up the family that you presumably wanted and created.

Being a SAHM is what you make it. I'm fed up with people looking down their noses at us.

The tide will turn again in however many generations I'm sure, and SAHMs won't be looked down on/pitied/assumed to be lazy/assumed to be unintelligent.

Sweak · 16/06/2021 14:10

The tide will turn again in however many generations I'm sure, and SAHMs won't be looked down on/pitied/assumed to be lazy/assumed to be unintelligent.

Unfortunately I don't think that's true. Governments want mother's working for economic reasons, and that subsequently filters down to society valuing paid work only. That in turn leads to assumptions about intelligence or work ethic if you don't conform to the new social norms.

morepizza · 16/06/2021 14:12

We can't make that judgement call. We have no idea what socially accepted norms will be in 100 years' time.

All I do know is nothing ever stays the same.

Couples may be priced out of childcare and be forced to have one SAHP, who knows.