to be a little disappointed at what DD said

[Tradwifedd]

I was talking to DD (17 next week) today and the topic of children came up. DD said she wanted to get married relatively young and give up work and raise children. When I asked further she said she wouldn’t mind cooking and cleaning for her future DH if he earned all the money. I know DD is allowed to lead her own life but Aibu to be a little bit disappointed that she seems to be so 1950s?

I was making no judgement until more pizza waded in with her nasty comments, she only got what she gave out.

I haven't made any nasty comments. Please quote me.

morepizza Wed 16-Jun-21 14:43:12
Sittingonarock
What sort of role model are you? Have you always worked or were you a SAHM and she's following your example?

What sort of role model are you?

Followed by calling me an idiot???

I would rather my DD had OP's DD plan to be a SAHP kept by her DH than all the females who are working full time, doing all the child care and house work etc. It does not seem like much of a life to me.
I doubt if any teenage girl would chose to be a working mother, owning a house and paying for everything while doing everything and keeping a "cocklodger". So many females seem to be doing that now.

I merely reflected the question back to you - nothing nasty.

I didn't call you an idiot, I said you were making an idiot of yourself (and that was after your awful comment to me).

At that age, I wanted FOUR children, mainly based on the entirely bonkers names I wanted to give them.

I went on to have a great career so far with some top achievements in my field, and am currently on a bit of a career break in which I might have one child. And ONE only...

Basically, don't take it too seriously. A couple of months ago, I could have told you that I was going to crack on being a high earner. After I have one child, I might want to do it again.

Don't get hung up on a certain vision for your daughter, because she'll have more than enough effort to learn what she wants and to achieve it, not worrying about the right decision to make for you or society or anyone else.

OP's user name is Tradwifedd

OP posted once and disappeared

Must be a slow news day.....

As another poster has said downthread - all of the skills used as a SAHM have financial value in the workplace; caring for children, cleaning, administration, teaching etc. But heaven forbid a woman chooses to make that investment in her family rather than earning money for those skills.

Some of us do both

@Yellowirises

As another poster has said downthread - all of the skills used as a SAHM have financial value in the workplace; caring for children, cleaning, administration, teaching etc. But heaven forbid a woman chooses to make that investment in her family rather than earning money for those skills.

Some of us do both

You can't do both 100% of the time.

It's a lie that we can 'have it all'

It's not what I'd personally choose for my daughters although I can already see one will probably want to go down that path. However I would always talk about back up plans and financially protecting her (and her future childrens) futures and leaving her options open. Eg getting qualifications and a job, even if you leave it, that gives you the option to return to it in the future if her partner is ill, or leaves her, or she doesn't enjoy being at home with children as much as she thought. And having houses in both names, getting married if you are the SAHP, discussing how finances will be shared and how free time and hobby time etc will be split before having children etc. Or get her to read a few posts on here about women who are SAHP and their husband wont consider doing any housework or childcare at weekends or holidays and wont give them any spending money etc just to make her aware of the risks

@thecatsthecats please share bonkers names of imaginary children.

@Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger

Of course you can aim for both, but she’s not is she? She only wants motherhood. Now motherhood is incredibly valuable, but I was being entirely honest when I said I would be absolutely gutted if a daughter of mine only wanted that, and didn’t want education, travel, a career… I think (some of) those pretending they wouldn’t care are probably lying because they’re out in that situation.

I would sit her down with pen and paper and work out what he needs to earn to keep her in the style to which she hopes to become accustomed.
So house / mortgage
utility bills
a car for him
clothing allowance
weekly food
holiday abroad once a year
Add it all up and see what he needs to earn - It should be an eye opener as no one would decide to stay at home caring for babies if it meant they were on the breadline for their whole life.

Not in that*

Well I'm 31 and have 3 kids and I would happily do the same. If dp made enough for us to live off of, I would stop working in a heartbeat.

I think your daughter needs to learn the importance of a Plan B.

'A man like that is hard to find but I can't get him off my mind
And if he happened to be free, I bet he wouldn't fancy me ...'

At 17 I was going to have a 'live-in lover'. I enjoyed telling my Catholic Mother this as her reaction was hilarious.

I worked for the first 13 years of parenthood (until I couldn't) and then became a SAHP. I wish I'd not bothered with the career - it's all just corporate bollocks really (although the money was nice).

In fact, I'm writing this lying on the sofa, resting up before my next shift in the kitchen. DH is having his 8th zoom mtg working from our bedroom. I caught a snippet earlier about 'blue sky thinking' and was reminded what a load of toss it all is

@morepizza
*You can't do both 100% of the time.

It's a lie that we can 'have it all'*

Yes you bloody well can, if you are not expected to do all the heavy lifting. My husband cleans, cook, and helps to educate. He also is a 6 figure earner, so it can be done, if everyone raises the expectations.

I qualified as a yoga teacher and I'm supported by him, I'm moving onto my separate corporate career and I'm supported by him, he's my children's parent and we both put the effort in with them.

Having it all does not mean doing it all!

[quote chestnutshell]@thecatsthecats please share bonkers names of imaginary children.[/quote]
I'm not sure I can stand the cringe of the whole list, but the most insanely toe curling was Deacon Mercury Noir

[quote Faultymain5]@morepizza
*You can't do both 100% of the time.

It's a lie that we can 'have it all'*

Yes you bloody well can, if you are not expected to do all the heavy lifting. My husband cleans, cook, and helps to educate. He also is a 6 figure earner, so it can be done, if everyone raises the expectations.

I qualified as a yoga teacher and I'm supported by him, I'm moving onto my separate corporate career and I'm supported by him, he's my children's parent and we both put the effort in with them.

Having it all does not mean doing it all![/quote]
I think Pizza meant you can't be a SAHM and a working mum at the same time. As you said about 'some of us do both' I think you're both just looking at the quote from different angles! Pizza means you can't work and look after kids and you mean you can work and have a home life balance.
Both true facts!! 😂

[quote morepizza]@CheeseIsATypeOfMeat Daytime tv - This Morning specifically [/quote]
Oh I see, thanks.

Yeah I meant we can't be in two places doing two occupations at once

You could show her the threads about all the abused or cheated on women who feel trapped as they have no income themselves. I’m sure she will naively think that she would pick a ‘better’ partner though so wouldn’t think it relevant to her. It may make her think though.

Why project your own idea of a happy life onto her?

This is key. She is a different person from you. Maybe - and I mean this in the nicest possible way - she sees you and aspires to a different sort of life (it’s often the case that we want something different from our parents). Our choices affect our kids and will shape their outlooks; they may well reject those choices when they come to make their own. Nothing wrong with that.