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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step Daughter every weekend

239 replies

DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 18:07

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not.
I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night.
I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 10/06/2021 18:09

Just start taking your two out - don't ask !

She's fine on her own at yours Confused and if she's not she can wander down and see her dad in the garden

Don't argue, just do what you want

HunterHearstHelmsley · 10/06/2021 18:09

Can you not just out as usual? Particularly if she is still in bed!

JillsFlapjacks · 10/06/2021 18:10

She's 15, she's fine staying at home if you're doing something she isn't interested in. I think YABU to say she wouldn't be welcome one weekend, but YANBU to just get on with wha though want to do. At 15 she should be independent enough to amuse herself.

JillsFlapjacks · 10/06/2021 18:11

With what you want to do*

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 18:11

I'd just take your two out. He can't be bothered to spend time with her and would rather have his mates round to drink beer so why should you change your plans for her.

Mymapuddlington · 10/06/2021 18:11

Step families are hard but you are being unreasonable, it’s her home and dad.
Nothing stopping you taking your two out though, if she sleeps in just go out for the day.

Howshouldibehave · 10/06/2021 18:11

when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate

Do all of those things with your kids anyway.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 18:11

But I don't think you can say she isn't welcome st yours.

KatherineOfGaunt · 10/06/2021 18:12

She's 15! Just let her stay in bed and take your two out to do what you want. If she wants to come she'll have to get up in time. And if DH takes her breakfast in bed at midday then you're only catering for one more child for the evening.

RedthroatedCaracara · 10/06/2021 18:12

I don't think yabu.

Does your DH ever do anything with any of his kids?

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 10/06/2021 18:12

I am not sure why you don't take your two out as normal? A 15yo is fine to entertain herself at home.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2021 18:13

You willingly and knowingly married and had children with a man who already had children. Reverse the roles in your head for a moment. You would be ok with your spouse saying your children couldn't come to their home on the weekend? You shouldn't be the one catering to everything and everyone but that's a separate issue you need to fix with your husband.

hoodwatch · 10/06/2021 18:13

It sounds as if she's going through something: not hanging out with friends, sleeping late, being a "negative nelly" - the last thing she needs is to be made to feel like a burden.

She is 15 so it's perfectly fine to leave her home alone if you and DH want to do something.

She is also your DH's child along with your two DC, so imagine how she would feel if you and he were excluding her from your lives whilst the two youngest get every drop of attention from their father whilst she gets a few weekends a month.

It's a difficult situation because I don't think you're being horrible, and you're intentions aren't to hurt her but maybe you are being a bit thoughtless. Going back to my first point, it's been a difficult time for everyone this past year and mental health is such an important thing and to dismiss it as "teen hormones" can be dangerous.

Shoxfordian · 10/06/2021 18:14

Carry on taking yours out as usual, you don’t need to entertain a teenager

Mumdiva99 · 10/06/2021 18:14

She comes to you every weekend, no doubt, because you and Dad let her stay in bed till 2pm and provide breakfast in bed at midday!! Would her mum let that happen?

As for the rest - she's 15 - she can be left alone. So you can do what you want with your kids. If DH is coming too then no reason SD can't come. If he isn't no reason she can't stay with him.

If he has his friends around surely he can sort food and drinks out for them and DSD if you want to go out.

As to why she isn't out with friends - where do you expect her to go? We haven't really been allowed in each others houses all year and they couldn't just go to the cinema etc. Cut some slack on that behalf.

HollowTalk · 10/06/2021 18:17

But maybe the OP doesn't want to go out all day every day at the weekend.

HeckyPeck · 10/06/2021 18:17

@InnaBun

I'd just take your two out. He can't be bothered to spend time with her and would rather have his mates round to drink beer so why should you change your plans for her.
100% agree with this!

Just because he can't be bothered to entertain her, doesn't mean you have to.

Carry on doing what you were going to do anyway with your kids.

If she's bored, her dad can actually be a parent and spend time with her.

FindingMeno · 10/06/2021 18:18

It sounds like you're being a bit of a negative nelly.
She is 15 and needs welcoming with open arms.

zzar45 · 10/06/2021 18:19

@HollowTalk

But maybe the OP doesn't want to go out all day every day at the weekend.
She doesn't have to, but she is currently complaining that she can't go out. The 15 year old step daughter isn't stopping OP from hanging out at home at the weekend.
TidyDancer · 10/06/2021 18:24

Well she's a child and it's her home so I think YABU to suggest she can't be there. But there's nothing wrong with you taking your DCs out without her. It seems like a bit of a non-issue.

Original poster
DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 18:28

It seems like rather than try to help her develop social peer groups, hanging out with the younger kids is an adequate/easier option.

I do appreciate all the feedback as I know I probably haven’t felt with this very well. I behave different in the house when they are here ie. sleeping with PJs it’s a very simple stupid thing but I feel I can’t just do what I want.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/06/2021 18:33

“We are going to the park with a picnic around 11 tomorrow, your welcome to join us if you want otherwise we will see you when we get back”

Sounds like your creating an issue where one isn’t needed

Nightbear · 10/06/2021 18:36

Why don’t you go out and see friends and leave your DH with the 3 kids? Why does he get to drink beer in the garden with his friends while you entertain the 3 of them?

1FootInTheRave · 10/06/2021 18:37

I think there are very simple ways around this.

Is your dsd okay? Has she mentioned any issues etc?

Your dh's response is shit. At least you know where you stand there.

FrangipaniBlue · 10/06/2021 18:39

@Sirzy

“We are going to the park with a picnic around 11 tomorrow, your welcome to join us if you want otherwise we will see you when we get back”

Sounds like your creating an issue where one isn’t needed

This is exactly what I was coming on to say!