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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step Daughter every weekend

239 replies

DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 18:07

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not.
I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night.
I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 21:51

@TheTuesdayPringle

I think you sound a bit clueless about teenagers which is totally understandable given your children are younger.

It's a common mistake to have unreasonable expectations of children older than our own.

She's 15. It's a difficult age, they're transitioning to independence but it's going to be a few years before they're ready to fly solo. It can be frustrating because they have attitudes and opinions yet little grasp of responsibility (to generalise broadly)

The negative attitude is all part of exploring independence and yes it can be a drag. But it's normal, she's a child, she's your HUSBAND'S child and it's her home.

And tbh I really don't get what it is that she's doing that is so bad. Sleeping in? Very normal. Getting breakfast in bed? How nice!
Being negative? Normal for her age (less so for yours)

Suggesting she has mental health problems because she doesn't bounce out if bed to play happy families with her stepmother or because she wants to spend weekends at her dad's house is quite a stretch. Good luck with getting a referral to CAMHS on that basis 😂

Try to be kind, she's a girl who wants to be with her family. It may not come across in the way you imagine it should, but it's normal and real, it's your response that is negative and worrying.

It was suggested by her mum and school in regards to MH issues. I am guessing the negativity comes from that, it’s pushed the friends away and then upset because has no friends. It’s a catch 22 and if I could fix it I would. I have not got involved in the cahms, school, medical conversations as that is not my place and would not be appreciated by her mum which is totally fair enough.
OP posts:
InnaBun · 10/06/2021 21:51

It is said she comes to spend time with the younger ones therefore I am still the bad guy if I take them out or let them go out to play.

That's not fair on the younger ones though. Why should their life revolve around DSC who gets up late anyway. If you split with her dad she would probably only see them if he facilitated contact and the timing worked for both mums. So he can facilitate contact with all his kids while you go out if you like, or tough you're going out with your kids and he can look after the one that's left at home.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 21:52

And the contact time is for her to see her dad. Not to see her half siblings.

Chaotica · 10/06/2021 21:58

Can't you use the time you have a 15 year old around (who wants to spend time with your DCs) to get some babysitting and go out with your DH?

Not all 15 year olds have a social circle or can get one. I'd cut her some slack and leave her to her own devices a bit. But I don't think it's fair to say that she can't stay.

Original poster
DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 22:00

@InnaBun

It is said she comes to spend time with the younger ones therefore I am still the bad guy if I take them out or let them go out to play.

That's not fair on the younger ones though. Why should their life revolve around DSC who gets up late anyway. If you split with her dad she would probably only see them if he facilitated contact and the timing worked for both mums. So he can facilitate contact with all his kids while you go out if you like, or tough you're going out with your kids and he can look after the one that's left at home.

I did say if we split would you be wanting the little ones every weekend then and he said yes when they are 15.
OP posts:
InnaBun · 10/06/2021 22:06

Thats not how contact would work though. You might want weekends. He might get alternate weekends and no guarantee they would conside with DSDs.

Also seems odd he would only want them that often when they are old enough to look after themselves while he has his mates round for drinks.

NumberTheory · 10/06/2021 22:09

I did say if we split would you be wanting the little ones every weekend then and he said yes when they are 15.

By which he means - So long as they are old enough that it doesn't really impact on me.?

He's being really disrespectful of you. Agree with InnaBun that leaving the younger ones with him a lot of the time when she's over and telling him to facilitate it might illustrate what he's actually asking of you.

Original poster
DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 22:10

I was just trying to make a point that he doesn’t do anything with her that it’s left to me.
If we did split I wouldn’t be up for every weekend without my kids.

OP posts:
copperpotsalot · 10/06/2021 22:13

@InnaBun

And the contact time is for her to see her dad. Not to see her half siblings.
I disagree, it's important she builds a relationship with her half siblings. Do agree dad needs to be making more effort to be involved too though!
Rosieandjim04 · 10/06/2021 22:15

@InnaBun

And the contact time is for her to see her dad. Not to see her half siblings.
They are her family as well !!!!
maddening · 10/06/2021 22:22

Take the kids to soft play and you can sit with dsd and have coffees. And dh should be more present over the weekend rather than socialising in the garden. Could dsd not go in the garden with dh? It is nice for older teens to socialise with their adults.

AnyName1 · 10/06/2021 22:25

What a peach he is.

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2021 22:25

You have a DH problem...

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 22:27

Yes they are her family as well and it's important if possible. But contact is for the dad and what he does with it is up to him, if he can't be bothered to look after them all then he can't expect OP to do that.

skodadoda · 10/06/2021 22:46

@funinthesun19

I disagree with the posters saying don’t go out without dsd. Why on earth should the dad get to have a drink with his mates in the garden not giving a fuck about making an effort with his 15 year old daughter? I know there’s “being the bigger person” but sometimes the bigger person is actually called being a mug. I’m so sick of men being able to get away with stuff like this while stepmums are expected to paper over those massive cracks to make sure the stepchildren are ok while the dad gets to carry on doing whatever he wants.
Agreed!
Hugoslavia · 10/06/2021 22:50

I would tell her what your plans are with the two youngest and what time you will be going out (10am seems reasonable). Then the ball is in her court. If she wants to sleep in, then that's on her. She can always spend time with them sat aft/evening/Sunday am. And get yourself some new pyjamas/lounge wear. Something that you would feel comfortable wearing with her around.

bringincrazyback · 10/06/2021 22:54

Oh great - didn't take the 'you knew he had kids' brigade long, did it. Hmm OP knew he had kids. She presumably didn't know her DH was going to behave like a tit, neglect to parent his daughter properly and then get pissy with her for daring to mind this.

OP, I can sympathise (I speak as a stepparent, albeit my DSD is an adult now) but if you've been around MN for any length of time you'll know stepparents are always the guilty party around here. Hmm

FWIW I think it'd be hard to tell her to not be there 1 weekend in 4 without leaving her feeling a bit rejected, but I don't think YABU in wanting things to be different than how they are now. I think you're entitled to get on and do your thing without plans needing to change for your DSD, as she's not a child. Your DH was an arse for what he said to you, btw.

Like you I would also be concerned about a possible rift between your DSD and her mum.

MimiDaisy11 · 10/06/2021 23:05

I think in a lot of these step parent threads there's an issue with couple in the centre. It seems he's not doing his fair share.

musthavebeenlove · 10/06/2021 23:14

Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.

Is he always such a charmer ?

Scrambledcustard · 10/06/2021 23:20

OP you dont have to baby sit her. You can leave her in the house with her dad and go and do your own thing. Most 15 year olds dont want to actually do anything accept sit lounge about and sit on their phones. She might just want to 'hang out' with her family - which like it or not you all are.

People do say ' you knew he had kids before you had your own with him' but it true. I dont understand why women dont look this far down the road. I can imagine being around some one else kids all the time irritating and that's the reason id never get with anyone that has their own 'baggage'.

choli · 10/06/2021 23:23

Like you I would also be concerned about a possible rift between your DSD and her mum.
Or that mum has a new boyfriend and wants her out of the way at weekends.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2021 23:23

As is the case with 99.9999% of the family threads on here, you have a DH problem.

MollysMummy2010 · 10/06/2021 23:24

An 8 year old to soft play?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/06/2021 23:27

My 9yo still enjoys soft play

gingergiraffe · 10/06/2021 23:58

I think you are lucky that although your dsd may have a bit of a negative attitude, at least she isn’t constantly asking for lifts everywhere, money etc and coming home late, maybe under age drinking, setting a bad example to the others. She doesn’t sound like a nightmare, not that you are suggesting she is, but maybe she just wants to feel part of a family and not ready to be out and about, socialising with friends of the same age. I agree with other posters that your dh seems to be doing very little in the way of parenting. What do you all do as a family? Surely, if you parents made plans for a family day out every couple of weeks dsd would want to get up earlier and join in. Now things are opening up more, how about swimming, a day at the beach and taking a picnic? Perhaps she needs encouragement to join in. Do her step siblings ask her for help with, say, homework, reading or games? Is there anything you can do to make her feel more part of your family? Perhaps some joint cooking with her siblings? Really though, dh needs to show that he puts his children first and start doing things as a family. You can’t be expected to do everything as far as the children are concerned.

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