Step Daughter every weekend

[DaisyBooToo]

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not.
I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night.
I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?

Possibly, DSD gets no treats or fun. She'd like to go out, because age-inappropriate as it might be, it is something loving, and happy and nurturing happening, and it makes her feel good to be a part of something like that.

You have a huge husband problem and all of the kids have a huge father problem.

He's a selfish twat! Was he always like this? What did you see in him?

It could be worse, one day your DSDs could be living with you full time, you never know what might happen in the future, circumstances change, your DH is right his children come first in the relationship but you would of allready known that and will unfortunately just have to put up with it as that is just the way it is when dating people who allready have children from previous relationships

@Diverseopinions

Possibly, DSD gets no treats or fun. She'd like to go out, because age-inappropriate as it might be, it is something loving, and happy and nurturing happening, and it makes her feel good to be a part of something like that.

If she gets no treats or fun then that's a failing on her parents part and her Dad should be contributing to this not sitting with his mates in the garden whilst guilting OP.

She might like to come for her siblings or for her dad, or to chill out or just to be... Doesn't matter, cos its her home and she should be welcome.

It’s her home because her dad lives there, though. If OP and her dad split up and he moved out, it would no longer be her home. She is not the OP’s responsibility; if her father wants her to have a relationship with her half siblings, then it’s his responsibility to manage and nurture that (rather than boozing in the garden with his mates and leaving all the childcare to his wife). I think it’s pretty awful to expect OP and her kids always to compromise on their wants and needs; it’s certainly not fair on the younger kids. Obviously, it would be really nice of OP to ask DSD along with them sometimes- but it’s not her responsibility to do so and it shouldn’t be expected as a matter of right.

@Diverseopinions

Possibly, DSD gets no treats or fun. She'd like to go out, because age-inappropriate as it might be, it is something loving, and happy and nurturing happening, and it makes her feel good to be a part of something like that.

If that is the case then her two parents are failing her and why should OP continue to provide what they aren't?

The double standards on here are quite something. This post would never be made by a man, because I can't imagine any man marrying a woman with children, only to find himself lumbered with the child care of both his and her children every weekend while she sits about on her backside drinking with her friends. Can you imagine the response that would get? Awful mother. Shameful!!! Poor man, having to deal with that. It's not right. Yada yada. However, if you're Step mum, suck it up or you're a hateful bitch. I can only assume there are a lot of people posting who actively want the step mum to their kids to have a miserable existence with their ex. Like it's pay back or something.

OP when you married him you signed up to being part of a blended family. You did not sign up to being unpaid childcare. You aren't her mum, she has a perfectly good one of those already. If you tried to be her mum, her actual mum would quite rightly be upset.

My cousin came to live with us when I was a kid. My mum treated him as one of us. That meant getting up when we got up, eating when we ate, doing his share of chores, joining us when we went out. In your shoes I'd put it to DH that if DSD doesn't want to fit in with family life then he has to be at home to parent her as you aren't staff, because you aren't!

You have a DH problem. What I’ve found with step parenting and I’m not sure if others feel the same is I feel guilty quite often if that’s the right way to put it. I think for some people this can build in resentment. Your husband sounds like he’s causing a lot of this however, would he guilt trip you if you went out without your SD op even though he does his own thing and that’s why it feels restrictive? Do you feel this guilt anyways cause she says she comes to see her siblings?

If you weren’t there he wouldn’t be able to go and do his own thing while his daughters were there and I’m sure if he did because she’s 15 and she can potter around on her own, he wouldn’t be feeling any guilt what so ever about being ‘the bad guy’

I think there’s a lot of pressure on SMs not to be the bad guy because even if the dad is a shitty parent a SM will always be the fall guy in the children’s and exes eyes.

She doesn't WANT nor NEED to be looked after.

Her father makes her breakfast. Nobody, nobody is asking OP to look after a 15 year old. Merely that she is 'allowed' to be present at weekends and enjoys seeing her family/siblings.

The AIBU is that OP wants 1 weekend a month without DSD and wonders if this is U.

I agree with PPs that the OP should just invite her DSD to things she's planning to do with her children the day before and also involve her DH.

And if DSD responds at all, then suggest a day out - shopping may be a thing but my DSD liked sports or just a walk. And a lunch out. DH gets to take care of his other children.

I suspect DH fired up because he knows his drunken afternoons are under threat and was drunk when asked about his DD.

She’s 15 - it’s not weird at all that she wants to spend time with her Dad at weekends. YABU

Is the ‘beer in the garden’ with mates something that happens loads?

Do you have time with your mates, OP and what does he/the kids do then?

I can't speak for OP but I know if I was left to look after my DH's daughter while he had a nice time with his mates every weekend I would start to resent the situation regardless of what I felt about his daughter as a person.

Yes this was exactly my point. It’s not the children themselves you resent, but the situation surrounding them. I think a stepmum is perfectly capable of being fond of her stepchildren, whilst at the same time not being enthusiastic about the weekend when they come up because of x y z reason caused by their father or other adult like their mother or the in laws.
It’s a very easy slope to start slipping down once things start going wrong and sometimes stepparenting becomes quite miserable even when you know it’s not the child’s fault.

" if her father wants her to have a relationship with her half siblings, then it’s his responsibility to manage and nurture that "

It's everyone's responsibility to encourage good relationships within a family. At least the op shouldn't stand in the way anyway. If the SC is excluded from visiting certain weekends then that's standing in the way.