Step Daughter every weekend

[DaisyBooToo]

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not.
I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night.
I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?

@FindingMeno

It sounds like you're being a bit of a negative nelly. She is 15 and needs welcoming with open arms.

By her own dad who can't be arsed and dumps her on OP

Wow YABU and you need to change your attitude now. What on earth is wrong with a child wanting to spend time at home with her dad and her siblings? Why should she go out with her friends if she’s rather be at home with her family. It is her house and absolutely unacceptable for you to treat her otherwise/ as an unwanted guest. If you were going to have an attitude like this you never should have married a man with children.

Mine lived with us. We never had a weekend off.

This man has 4 children and spends his weekends drinking beer in your garden with his mates.

@InnaBun the op is an adult and her dsd is a child.
The op needs to address any issues with her dh.
Making a point by " not picking up the pieces" isn't the way to go.

@Bizawit

Wow YABU and you need to change your attitude now. What on earth is wrong with a child wanting to spend time at home with her dad and her siblings? Why should she go out with her friends if she’s rather be at home with her family. It is her house and absolutely unacceptable for you to treat her otherwise/ as an unwanted guest. If you were going to have an attitude like this you never should have married a man with children.

But that's just it - her dad isn't spending any time with her, he's drinking with friends and palming DSD off on OP.

Wow, you must have very lax standards when it comes to parenthood if you think his behaviour is acceptable.

It's not making a point to leave her with her own father

If her own parent thinks it's a suitable way to treat her then who is OP to argue

Just out of interest, OP, did he move into your house or have you always shared the rent/mortgage?

Just to be clear I have only had this conversation with DH tonight I have never said anything to DSD2 and when she is here I always remind her to help herself or try to engage conversation about school, music ask what’s been happening like I do with DSD1 unfortunately the attitude leaves me feeling like I am an annoyance however I have a lot of conversations with DSD1 and she regularly asks for advice or opinions. She is here every other wkend and some nights mid week.

Will the op leave the other 2 with him also, while he's getting pissed? After all, he's their father too.

Why are you even with him, OP? He's not worth it, he uses you as free childcare.

@FindingMeno

Will the op leave the other 2 with him also, while he's getting pissed? After all, he's their father too.

They are OP's children.

@HollowTalk

Just out of interest, OP, did he move into your house or have you always shared the rent/mortgage?

Initially moved into my house and we now have a mortgage together.

@stackemhigh I'm aware of that.
The point is?

@FindingMeno

Will the op leave the other 2 with him also, while he's getting pissed? After all, he's their father too.

Up to OP as she is the parent of her own DC. If dad thinks it's suitable to get pissed in front of his children thats up to him and the other parent of his children.

OP YANBU to feel the way you do. I think it's natural and I don't think it's unreasonable to want a weekend without DSD around as it will impact on what you do.

However you need to stop asking your DH what you can do etc. Just make plans and she can either stay alone or her dad can sort her out.

@TidyDancer

Well she's a child and it's her home so I think YABU to suggest she can't be there. But there's nothing wrong with you taking your DCs out without her. It seems like a bit of a non-issue.

Exactly this.

There are so many issues.

Firstly, does he actually do any parenting? Because that's a DH issue.

Secondly, your DSD is home and therefore she's welcome. Sleep naked if you want. Put on clothes outside the bedroom.

Thirdly, just take the two younger out and ask DSD if she wants to come. Simple yes or no, no moaning entertained. A moan is a no.

[quote FindingMeno]@stackemhigh I'm aware of that.
The point is?[/quote]
If OP wants to take her children out she is at total liberty to do so.

I disagree with the posters saying don’t go out without dsd.
Why on earth should the dad get to have a drink with his mates in the garden not giving a fuck about making an effort with his 15 year old daughter?
I know there’s “being the bigger person” but sometimes the bigger person is actually called being a mug.
I’m so sick of men being able to get away with stuff like this while stepmums are expected to paper over those massive cracks to make sure the stepchildren are ok while the dad gets to carry on doing whatever he wants.

What does dsd do when she gets up at 2pm? I feel really sorry for her. Mostly because her dad's getting pissed in the garden instead of parenting her. It feels like she has some stuff going on: not wanting to spend weekends with mum, staying in bed half the day... but for all we know she likes to come to yours because she's able to lounge all day without being fussed.

you can go and do whatever you like with the little ones as at 15 she can look after herself. But I would encourage your DH to spend some time with her and find out if she's happy with things

I don’t understand why her being there is an issue? Just go out. If it’s appropriate (picnic, cinema, whatever) invite stepdaughter along if it’s not just go out. She’s 15 not 5 she’ll be fine.

Is it concerning she’s not hanging out with friends her own age? A bit, and it probably needs addressing in a far more concerned way, by her parents. It’s too late for you to show concern over that aspect as you’ve already shit the bed over the 15 year old hanging out in her own home

Ffs stop being THAT stepmum and making issues out of a non issue. She sleeps in till 2pm? So do you normally wait till 2pm to do things anyways? If not carry on doing what you want with YOUR kids as you have made it quite clear you don’t see her as one of yours. She’s entitled to stay with her dad as much as she wants, I decided to live with my dad at her age and my stepmum still did what she had to do with her kids and yes it was shit but that’s life. I’m sure she will be fine.

funinthesun19 I agree, it's not OP's role to parent her DSC