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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step Daughter every weekend

239 replies

DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 18:07

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not.
I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night.
I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?

OP posts:
Original poster
DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 21:09

@WimpoleHat

I think it’s fair to say that DSD can come when she wants....but also explicitly that DSD comes to see her dad. Let him deal with her while she’s here. If you want to take your kids out, then go ahead. It’s probably nice to ask her if she wants to come sometimes (although not necessarily every time), but in a “we are doing x if you’d like to join us?” way, rather than letting her dictate the plans. It’s for you to be polite and welcoming; it’s for your DH to look after and sort her out.
It is said she comes to spend time with the younger ones therefore I am still the bad guy if I take them out or let them go out to play.

I will take time to reflect on everyone’s opinions (all are appreciated thank you for taking the time) and then have a discussion with DH however right now isn’t the right time he is definitely not open to talking further.

OP posts:
Bizawit · 10/06/2021 21:14

*But that's just it - her dad isn't spending any time with her, he's drinking with friends and palming DSD off on OP.

Wow, you must have very lax standards when it comes to parenthood if you think his behaviour is acceptable*.

Yes I take your point that the parenting shouldn’t all be left to the OP. But that wasn’t the focus of her post. The focus was being annoyed that her DSD wanted to spend every Saturday there , suggesting it was unhealthy, and saying she wanted to put boundaries on how much she could visit.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 21:15

Your DH is a dickhead. I would worry about DSD too, why isn't her dad worried about her? Why is he in the garden having beers instead of spending time with his kids?

Tistheseason17 · 10/06/2021 21:15

You have a DH problem.
Drinking beers with mates over being a parent and dumping them all on you, that's not a Dad.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 10/06/2021 21:16

It is said she comes to spend time with the younger ones therefore I am still the bad guy if I take them out or let them go out to play.

I don't see why. They shouldn't have to not play out or go out because of their stepsister, especially if you invite her to come along if she likes. And your children should be allowed to play out with friends their own age. Surely you aren't expected to all hang around for her to get up at 2pm? Now that IS unreasonable.

Rosieandjim04 · 10/06/2021 21:19

That's why if me and OH split I'd never have anymore children or get with someone who wanted anymore poor girl it's her home too.

Kumonkumon · 10/06/2021 21:20

"In that case, though, the OP really does have carte blanche just to leave her to it and do her own thing with her own kids....."

Agree with that... I don't take my 14 year old to soft play, unless she wants to come..

Winifredgoose · 10/06/2021 21:21

The problem here is that your husband is sitting in the garden having beers while you are looking after the children.

Boomclaps · 10/06/2021 21:23

So I think if you want alone time with your kids, then maybe you need to do something after school.
If you’ve been with a fifteen year olds dad long enough to have had her ten year old half sibling, she probably doesn’t remember a time when you weren’t there.
She’s your kid too.
You got with a man with a small child who has become a teen.
Your own children will do this too, and teenagers are assholes.

Invite her with you

chipsandgin · 10/06/2021 21:24

It’s her home too, she should be equally as welcome to be there whenever & at 15 can pick and choose what part of family life she wants to be involved in or do her own thing.

Her Dad has just as much responsibility to be a good parent to her as he does for his subsequent children. I feel very lucky that I was always welcome at my Dad & step-mums house & feel as much a part of the family as all of my siblings from our blended family. Your kids with him don’t take priority just because they came later.

Any resentment or issue you have with it needs some perspective IMO - you knew he had kids so you chose this - they should be as much a part of your family as the kids you had with him - because they are his kids and they come with him as part of the package.

If he’s not engaging then that’s an entirely different problem - a DH issue not a SD one, maybe that’s the thing you need to tackle?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/06/2021 21:26

Does he actually parent any of his kids? Sounds as if the beer money would be much better spent on his dd and possibly some therapy if she’s struggling to fit in with her peers.

I think you’ve got a partner problem.

copperpotsalot · 10/06/2021 21:26

Well if she wants to spend tile with the little ones then she can be told then night before of the next day's plans and either decide to get up and go along, or stay in bed.

At 15 she could also join you wherever you are when she gets up? Assuming you're not in the middle of no where

30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/06/2021 21:28

My dh married me knowing I had dc... The day 2 x dc made the decision to move here ft it was dh that went and collected their possessions from exes house... There was no real discussion apart from excitement from us both that we were having them here ft!!
Dh still does stuff with my /our younger ones as well as all of us together.. No divides here at all.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/06/2021 21:31

She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm)

So how does this affect you? It's up to DH if he wants to run around after his little princess. You can crack on with whatever plans you and DC have.

DH has his friends round for beers in garden

This doesn't mean he can't look after his daughter.

I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum.

Maybe ask her if she's OK?

Hallyup6 · 10/06/2021 21:31

You're completely unreasonable. You chose to have children with a man that already had children. Your step daughter has every right to live with her dad permanently if she wants. You don't get a say about her being there. If you want to take your kids out then do that, she doesn't have to come with you.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 10/06/2021 21:34

If you invite her to go to the park/soft play with you and your two youngest at 11am, knowing that she will be in bed anyway, it will be an empty invitation and she will see that.

Your husband is an ass; what decent father wastes one day a week boozing with his mates? I daresay he whiles away the time doing nothing before his mates arrive, spends the afternoon drinking and then falls asleep on the sofa? His daughter must also see that too. Lazy arse.

I suggest you do this:
weekend 1 - offer her the opportunity to do something with you and the little one. If she is still in bed and misses the big excursion, a walk to the sweetshop, or a quick play in your local park followed by an ice cream will do later on, or at least watch a film (with snacks) all together, as it's important that she spends time with her siblings

weekend 2 - You DH and all 3 kids go out somewhere

weekend 3 - as per weekend 1

Weekend 4 - you take her out shopping, just the two of you. Fifteen year old girls are lovely to spend time with. They are interested in clothes, makeup and perfume. You can go to a cafe and get a meal together, or even to a pub and both have a meal and a drink. She'll be interested in the (mumsnet!) wisdom you have to impart and you don't have to push her in a pram or change her nappy. In the meantime your husband does something with the two younger ones

viques · 10/06/2021 21:34

Plan things to do with your two, tell DSD that if she wants to come she is welcome, but that you will be leaving on the dot at 10.00. She is unlikely to make the effort, and can then chill in the garden with her dad which is what contact is for anyway.

Sally872 · 10/06/2021 21:35

I think dsd should be allowed to come every weekend if she wants. But you are not obliged to entertain her. I am not sure of the diplomatic way to leave without giving her the option though.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/06/2021 21:36

What happens if she wants to live with you ft?

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 10/06/2021 21:39

I would just take my kids out, if you want to do something age appropriate for your kids like softplay then he can entertain her if he feels she needs to be entertained.
I have kids of different age brackets sometimes I will take the older ones out and do something for their age and vice versa with the little ones and leaving the older ones at home.
I would also encourage a 15 year old to be doing things with their friends too. It's good for them.

Shelby2010 · 10/06/2021 21:41

Suggest that DSD takes the younger ones to the park. Put your feet up.

Inertia · 10/06/2021 21:43

The problem isn't that DSD comes to stay , it's that you and the younger children are expected to be at her beck and call as default entertainment options while your husbands opts out of all his parenting responsibilities.

You can still take the younger children out, let DSD know what the plans are and she can be ready or not come. When does your husband take the children out?

TheTuesdayPringle · 10/06/2021 21:44

I think you sound a bit clueless about teenagers which is totally understandable given your children are younger.

It's a common mistake to have unreasonable expectations of children older than our own.

She's 15. It's a difficult age, they're transitioning to independence but it's going to be a few years before they're ready to fly solo. It can be frustrating because they have attitudes and opinions yet little grasp of responsibility (to generalise broadly)

The negative attitude is all part of exploring independence and yes it can be a drag. But it's normal, she's a child, she's your HUSBAND'S child and it's her home.

And tbh I really don't get what it is that she's doing that is so bad. Sleeping in? Very normal. Getting breakfast in bed? How nice!
Being negative? Normal for her age (less so for yours)

Suggesting she has mental health problems because she doesn't bounce out if bed to play happy families with her stepmother or because she wants to spend weekends at her dad's house is quite a stretch. Good luck with getting a referral to CAMHS on that basis 😂

Try to be kind, she's a girl who wants to be with her family. It may not come across in the way you imagine it should, but it's normal and real, it's your response that is negative and worrying.

WimpoleHat · 10/06/2021 21:45

It is said she comes to spend time with the younger ones therefore I am still the bad guy if I take them out or let them go out to play.

Then this is the crux of it. It’s reasonable that she can come when she wants. It’s reasonable that she treats it as home. It’s reasonable that her dad takes responsibility for her while she’s here. But - it’s not reasonable that the rest of the family revolves around her. Nor is it reasonable that your kids’ freedoms/plans are constrained by her being there. Is it kind to ask get to join in sometimes? Yes. But that’s as far as it goes; it’s not fair - to your kids apart from you - to have to make plans around her.

rc22 · 10/06/2021 21:51

It's not unreasonable for your step daughter to spend her weekends with you. At 15, she's old enough to decide on how she wants to balance her time between her parents' homes. It is unreasonable for her to be in bed until 2pm and for her dad to 'enable' this by taking her breakfast and it's also unreasonable for him to leave the kids to you while he prioritises his mates!