Step Daughter every weekend

[DaisyBooToo]

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not.
I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night.
I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?

@DaisyBooToo

It seems like rather than try to help her develop social peer groups, hanging out with the younger kids is an adequate/easier option.

I do appreciate all the feedback as I know I probably haven’t felt with this very well. I behave different in the house when they are here ie. sleeping with PJs it’s a very simple stupid thing but I feel I can’t just do what I want.

No, you can't just do what you want. You made the choice to marry a man who has children.

I feel so sorry for your stepdaughter who I'm sure has picked up on your horrible attitude about her.

Personally I think the issue is that your DH isn’t parenting his dd, why shouldn’t you be able to do whatever you want with your 2? Just leave them to it, pack the kids up and enjoy your weekend!

She sounds a bit lonely to me.

I do think you should still crack on doing the age-appropriate stuff with your smaller kids, but you're being very unreasonable to think she shouldn't be there every weekend. She should feel at home at her dad's place.

@1FootInTheRave

I think there are very simple ways around this.

Is your dsd okay? Has she mentioned any issues etc?

Your dh's response is shit. At least you know where you stand there.

Yes. I suggested a while back that there hadn’t been any chat of her friends for a while and was told that wasn’t the case. Now it seems the negative attitude has pushed the friends away so explains why she wants to hang out with younger kids. FWIW my oldest had some MH issues last year and I engaged with medical, CAMHS, school and then got more time with peers ie online/park met ups I know that this is more difficult at 15.

And yes I feel shit about DH response but I can see from some of the responses here I haven’t handled things very well.

I behave different in the house when they are here ie. sleeping with PJs it’s a very simple stupid thing but I feel I can’t just do what I want.

Presumably your husband didn't spring the fact that he had other kids on you after you got married/ had children with him?

Did it honestly never cross your mind that they might want to spend regular time at their dad's place?

Did you really just assume that they would fuck off conveniently?

Fifteen in particular is still young, and eighteen is indeed an adult but a very new one. It really is not surprising that they want to spend time at the house you share with their father.

What’s the issue? Take your children out as you please and she can stay at home with her dad. I feel it’s a non problem. Tell your hubby you’re happy with the relationship you have with DSD but he needs to split his time more equally when she’s there so it doesn’t fall on you, and to stop taking her breakfast in bed.

I'm going to be blunt.
You knew he had children. It wouldn't hurt for you to try to make her welcome, spend time with the three and let them develop their relationship.
If you go out do not exclude her. She may be too old for the activities but she can still be included if she wants and may enjoy helping out.

I've got a 15 year old too. She's not the most socially confident, and really is a bit of an introvert. Often, by the weekend, it's a relief to her to be able to hibernate at home and not have to put on a front.

She enjoys gaming, and interacting with her mates that way, and yes, she perhaps relies on her family for social interaction rather than her friends.

I'm wondering if that's potentially your DSD? In which case I know your worries, but I reckon, we've just got to go with their flow!

Which is not to say that I don't think that DH needs to be running up the stairs with breakfast in bed, nor do you have to hang around at home all day in case she decides she wants to interact. I'd tell her the night before, what is happening when, and then carry on regardless. If you're out, it's DH's job to parent his kid, whether he wants to deliver haute cuisine on a silver platter, or tell her, there's the kitchen, help yourself, and clean up afterwards. . .

You are her family now. Her siblings are her family. Her Dad is family. You're talking about her like some guest that doesn't know they've over stayed their welcome.

It's not necessary to pack her off to cahms because she doesn't meet your expectations of being 15. She's spending time in the hub of her family on the weekend which is settling and healing, for everyone - regardless of age.

If you and dh were to split and once your children reached 15 wanted to spend every weekend with him how would you feel if he turned them away 1 weekends in 4 because his new wife wanted some alone time? I think you need to put yourself in her shoes a bit and not necessarily ask why she wants to spend time there (at least she doesn't seem to hate it) but accept she's part of the family. Treat her like you would your own 15 year old, make the offer of a day out but tell her what time you're leaving so she can make her own choices. It's likely she just enjoys the relaxed atmosphere at yours more than with her mum (might be different house rules etc), she might decide to spend more time with her mum in the future. Enjoy her while she's there, include her in suitable activities and get her involved in family life.

DH has his friends round for beers in garden
Is this every weekend? If so I would be demanding equal child free time for myself every weekend, let him take care of all the kids.

DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour).

It's fine for DSD to come over but DH needs to take care of her, not you!

Start going out and tell DH he needs to care for his own DD.

You have a DH problem, not a DSD problem. He sounds like an utter cunt and I think you should leave him.

@FourTeaFallOut

You are her family now. Her siblings are her family. Her Dad is family. You're talking about her like some guest that doesn't know they've over stayed their welcome.

It's not necessary to pack her off to cahms because she doesn't meet your expectations of being 15. She's spending time in the hub of her family on the weekend which is settling and healing, for everyone - regardless of age.

No, she's being looked after by her step-mum, not by her dad every weekend and this is unacceptable, and not what step-parenting should be!

Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now

They're not coming first on the afternoons he drinks beer with his pals.

What an awful thing to say.

@FindingMeno

I'm going to be blunt. You knew he had children. It wouldn't hurt for you to try to make her welcome, spend time with the three and let them develop their relationship. If you go out do not exclude her. She may be too old for the activities but she can still be included if she wants and may enjoy helping out.

And the dad gets free childcare while he gets drunk at home. What bullshit.

I agree with PP - when you set up home with someone who has DC, you should be aware that at any point they may be coming to live with you full time. The fact DSD is coming every weekend is pretty normal for many families.

Try to include her, but if she prefers to stay at home, at least you have offered.

@Cadent I may be misreading the situation but it seems he's shirking his responsibility with ALL the children.
Op needs to address this.
But, in the meantime a 15 year old needs parenting.

Tbh is she really the issue or is the real issue your DH? I'm reading this more like you're the skivvy to a bunch of guys drinking beer who also expect you to do childcare.

I'd imagine that if he was up and about in the mornings, engaged in family time, enthusiastic for you guys to all do something together, you'd quite like this set up.

I'd also speculate that your DSD might feel a bit embarrassed or self conscious about being in the garden with her dad if there's a bunch of his mates always there knocking back the beer. It's worth a try just asking if she'd like to come with you guys for a day out somewhere or something as you'd love to have her. She might really like that. She probably feels stuck between a dad with no quality time and more time with his buddies, and a step mum who has smaller kids to think of.

It's fine for her to be there but it isn't fine for your husband to ignore her or any of his other kids all weekend.

You shouldn’t need to look after or entertain a 15 year old at all. I have a 15 year old. She pretty much looks after herself . I’m surprised at 15 she’s not out at weekends with friends but she really shouldn’t be any more work for you.

@Polkadots2021

Tbh is she really the issue or is the real issue your DH? I'm reading this more like you're the skivvy to a bunch of guys drinking beer who also expect you to do childcare.

I'd imagine that if he was up and about in the mornings, engaged in family time, enthusiastic for you guys to all do something together, you'd quite like this set up.

I'd also speculate that your DSD might feel a bit embarrassed or self conscious about being in the garden with her dad if there's a bunch of his mates always there knocking back the beer. It's worth a try just asking if she'd like to come with you guys for a day out somewhere or something as you'd love to have her. She might really like that. She probably feels stuck between a dad with no quality time and more time with his buddies, and a step mum who has smaller kids to think of.

Yes, this. I'd got out for the day at the weekend and leave the whole lot of them to it! DH won't be so keen to have friends over all the time if he finally realises childcare is a joint responsibility at weekends.

At 15 just do whatever you want, she can fend for herself. Tell her what your plans are the day before, ask if she wants to join you otherwise you'll be home around x time before dinner or whatever.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your dsd to want to be at her Dads every weekend, but I do think your DH is being an absolute knob for leaving you to it..

@FindingMeno

I'm going to be blunt. You knew he had children. It wouldn't hurt for you to try to make her welcome, spend time with the three and let them develop their relationship. If you go out do not exclude her. She may be too old for the activities but she can still be included if she wants and may enjoy helping out.

I'm going to be blunt. Her own dad is ignoring her to drink beer with his mates why should OP pick up the pieces?