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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step Daughter every weekend

239 replies

DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 18:07

Hi, I really need objective opinions as I really don’t know if I am being out of line or not.
I have 2 dsd and 2 kids with DH. DSD are 18 and 15. dSD2 has decided to come to stay at ours every weekend and I am feeling a bit put out by this, I know in an ideal world I shouldn’t but should she not be starting to have her own social circle of friends rather than want to hang out with younger siblings 8 & 10? She has her own room here and sleeps till about 2pm with DH running up and down with breakfast in bed (12pm). DH has his friends round for beers in garden and I feel I am kind off stuck catering to the 3 kids when I would normally (pre this/covid) just take my 2 out for dinner or to friends, park, soft play etc all thing age appropriate but not for DSD2 that has a bit of a negative nelly attitude to most things (I am guessing typical teen behaviour). I also am concerned as to why she doesn’t want to spend time with her mum. I also feel like I can’t really arrange anything as I need to run it past DH so he can check it’s ok to not get DSD one night.
I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend in 4 to just be me and my 2?

OP posts:
Hughbert · 10/06/2021 20:37

Even if you were her mum, it would be perfectly reasonable to go and do little kid stuff with the little kids. The ideal would be joint fun, but if your husband is a bit of a cock, that's not easy. I'm sure you are very nice to her, but she either comes to hide/chill at yours or see her dad as the priority, so he needs to be a better person and you need to stop picking up his slack. Keep being nice, but don't feel you need to put the little ones' lives on hold. FWIW, dd has a step mum and I certainly would never expect her to do anything with dd other than be kind and welcoming, not a party entertainer and main company, that's her dad's job.

socalledfriend · 10/06/2021 20:41

OP can you clarify - is there a DH not contributing much effort to his family issue here?

If so, I think it is separate to the DSD problem, but makes me wonder how bad things must be at DSD home if she would rather spend it with her beer soaked dad. Is this a one off or a regular occurrence?

Kumonkumon · 10/06/2021 20:42

My ex sm was like this. Wanted to have a separate unit with df and her DC. They divorced. You shouldn't let your sd feel like it's not her house or she's unwelcome. Doesn't pan out well, besides being a shitty thing to do to a sensitive 15 year old trying to find her way in the world.

Wallywobbles · 10/06/2021 20:44

Wrong part of Mumsnet for this. Try step-parents.

Original poster
DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 20:45

@Wallywobbles

Wrong part of Mumsnet for this. Try step-parents.
No I am clearly asking if I am being unreasonable or not.
OP posts:
cupsofcoffee · 10/06/2021 20:47

I would go out and leave all three kids with him tbh.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/06/2021 20:48

Short answer. You're a little unreasonable. Your DH is a lot!

skodadoda · 10/06/2021 20:48

@Lifeislikea

Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now

They're not coming first on the afternoons he drinks beer with his pals.

What an awful thing to say.

My thought exactly. He doesn’t behave as though his 4 kids come first - unless he’s going to invite them to join him and his beer-drinking pals.
Kumonkumon · 10/06/2021 20:49

Ps, the ex sm I mentioned had a very similarly insidious attitude like this. "Oh shouldn't you be with your bf at this age?" "Don't you have any friends you'd rather be with in the weekend?" Trying to make it sound like there was something wrong with me, or that she cared. It's blatantly obvious op, so will it be to your family...

blahblahblah321 · 10/06/2021 20:51

@Kumonkumon

Ps, the ex sm I mentioned had a very similarly insidious attitude like this. "Oh shouldn't you be with your bf at this age?" "Don't you have any friends you'd rather be with in the weekend?" Trying to make it sound like there was something wrong with me, or that she cared. It's blatantly obvious op, so will it be to your family...
That's an issue for me, masquerading it up as showing concern when really you just don't want her there.

OP, if your DH didn't have his mates round every weekend, would your DSD being there still be an issue?

burningfire · 10/06/2021 20:51

I don't see the issue. It's her home. I have a 6 year and and a 16 year old. both my biological children. Most weekends the conversation goes like this.
"We're off out, do you want to come?"
"Where are you going?"
"insert place here"
"No"
"No worries, see you later"

Job done. A 15 year old doesn't need you to babysit her.

Aprilx · 10/06/2021 20:52

@DaisyBooToo

It seems like rather than try to help her develop social peer groups, hanging out with the younger kids is an adequate/easier option.

I do appreciate all the feedback as I know I probably haven’t felt with this very well. I behave different in the house when they are here ie. sleeping with PJs it’s a very simple stupid thing but I feel I can’t just do what I want.

He do you help a 15 year old develop a social group? She is a bit old for play dates, all you could do is put pressure on her which is not very nice.
SurelyNott · 10/06/2021 20:53

Think of the benefits, she’s 15 and likes the little ones = babysitter on tap!

Original poster
DaisyBooToo · 10/06/2021 20:53

@Kumonkumon

My ex sm was like this. Wanted to have a separate unit with df and her DC. They divorced. You shouldn't let your sd feel like it's not her house or she's unwelcome. Doesn't pan out well, besides being a shitty thing to do to a sensitive 15 year old trying to find her way in the world.
I have never made her feel unwelcome this was a discussion between me and DH. I think the fact she would rather be here than elsewhere reflects that. If I was horrible or nasty to her in anyway I am sure she would spend more time with her mother who from what I can see over the years is a loving parent.

Yes the conversation I have had with DH was the wrong conversation and it is not a DSD problem it is a family time problem which I now need to decide how to address.

Thank you for the advice/points of view all are appreciated.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/06/2021 20:54

Yanbu to do your usual stuff with the younger dc. My 15yo is happy left to her own thing... Your dsd already had her own maid service. You don't need to double her staff...

misskick · 10/06/2021 20:55

Yes your being unreasonable. It's his daughter and she is still a child. She should be welcome when ever she likes. At that age I'm sure she is more in dependant than your making out and can make a sandwich etc if you take your kids out!

blahblahblah321 · 10/06/2021 20:56

You tell her she isn't welcome one weekend a month it's going to make her feel particularly wanted. You may not be doing anything now which will make her feel crap, but you are suggesting her not being welcome once a month. That changes it a bit

Dobbyisahouseelf · 10/06/2021 20:57

@Sirzy is spot on.

DancesWithTortoises · 10/06/2021 21:00

Not sure why OP is getting such a hard time. But it's the norm for step mothers on MN.

The child's father neglects and ignores her and OP gets criticised.

WimpoleHat · 10/06/2021 21:00

I think it’s fair to say that DSD can come when she wants....but also explicitly that DSD comes to see her dad. Let him deal with her while she’s here. If you want to take your kids out, then go ahead. It’s probably nice to ask her if she wants to come sometimes (although not necessarily every time), but in a “we are doing x if you’d like to join us?” way, rather than letting her dictate the plans. It’s for you to be polite and welcoming; it’s for your DH to look after and sort her out.

Kumonkumon · 10/06/2021 21:03

"I think it’s fair to say that DSD can come when she wants....but also explicitly that DSD comes to see her dad"

Or maybe she just wants to be at "home"? A 15 year doesn't need anyone "looking after" her at home...

YanTanTethera123 · 10/06/2021 21:05

I have tried saying this to DH and he has gone mental at me saying I am being out of line it’s her house etc. Also that his 4 kids come first and are more welcome than me right now
Wtf?!
He’s dumping everything on you then saying this?

CarnationCat · 10/06/2021 21:05

I think it's nice that your DSD wants to stop with you and her dad. I get the social skills issue but that's up to her. If she doesn't want to spend time with people her age, that's her choice.

Definitely just take your DC to soft play or any other young child activities. Don't let them miss out.

You should invite your DSD if you're going out for dinner but if she wants to stay at home, that's up to her. She can do her own dinner and entertain herself. She's 15.

WimpoleHat · 10/06/2021 21:06

Or maybe she just wants to be at "home"? A 15 year doesn't need anyone "looking after" her at home...

In that case, though, the OP really does have carte blanche just to leave her to it and do her own thing with her own kids.....

2bazookas · 10/06/2021 21:08

Leave her with her dad and his friends while you go out with the others. As she's still in bed , no need to wake her up to say goodbye.

She and DH can sort out their own lunch.

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