To expect more from my in laws?

[LiJo2015]

I am estranged from all my bio family. I am a mum to an 11 year old and a 5 month old. We moved closer to them a few years back prompted by my husbands job. When we lived a few hours away I thought this contributed to us not being close. Now we live less than 10 minutes drive from them and there is still an emotional and very physical distance from them. I know they love us but i find their emotional distance hard.

Just to add - we have formed a childcare bubble with them - although they dont provide childcare it just means they can see the kids, about once every 1-2 weeks?

So...

AIBU - if so - why?
AINBU - if so - why?

What more do you want? To see them more often, or more emotional involvement (which is obviously much harder to quantify)?

That is not a childcare bubble then. So YABU for that alone 🙄

How can you say you’re estranged when your kids see them every 1-2 weeks?

@Cocomarine

As this wasnt the point of the post - i wont be answering or justifying this.

@Cocomarine

Im estranged from my side of the family

Apologies for my last comment, I was reading the post not the title - it’s PIL that your kids are seeing in the fake “childcare” bubble, not your parents.

I agree with Cocomarine.

What more do you want? It’s not very clear.

Your choice not to answer it, but couldn’t justify it even if you wanted to 🤷🏻‍♀️

But what do you want though?

I’m sorry what is it you expect from them? You need to articulate it more?

Do you wish them to look after your children for you? Provide you with some form of emotional support?

Perhaps they arent comfortable with the added risk of being a non childcare bubble with you?

How are they emotionally and physically distant?

You cant/shouldn't be physically close anyway and shouldn't have been for some time so perhaps its that?

@StillCoughingandLaughing

What more do you want? To see them more often, or more emotional involvement (which is obviously much harder to quantify)?

Ideally i would love to see hands on involvement with the kids, especially my daughter. I never had grandparents growing up, and would love for my kids to have this. My kids dont have anyone from my side of the family - my mum died when i was 1 and i am estranged from my dad.

Perhaps they arent comfortable with the added risk of being a non childcare bubble with you?

They can’t be in a non childcare bubble-I can’t see how they fit the rules.

What more do you want? To see them more often

It’s a bloody pandemic. Nobody can see each other properly now.

How is your “childcare bubble” working?

@Needcoffeecoffeecoffee

You cant/shouldn't be physically close anyway and shouldn't have been for some time so perhaps its that

My husband and i always regard them as emotionally inert. I have accepted they love us, but theyre just not 'present', even emotionally. Even before covid.

@Cocomarine

How can you say you’re estranged when your kids see them every 1-2 weeks?

Read the OP. She’s estranged from her bio family. She sees her ILs every 1-2 weeks. Jeez, read the OP before picking it apart.

YABU to expect them to change their personalities to fill a void left by others. I’m sorry your mother died 😕
It’s not on your PIL to replace her though, or your dad.

My husband and i always regard them as emotionally inert. I have accepted they love us, but theyre just not 'present', even emotionally.

God, this sounds like hard work.

Op, what does more hands on mean? Do you want them to provide you with free child care is that it, and you are hesitant to spell it out. Because you’re worried about being flamed?

What kind of parents were these people like to your husband? Is he emotionally close to them now?

Are they kind, nice people?

I would imagine that they are that strain of grandparents who just aren't interested in their grandchildren, or just are not very nice people.

Either way, I doubt there is much you can do about it and you are better off saving your emotional energy for something else .

@MaskingForIt Jeez - RTFT and you’ll see that I apologised for the mistake before you even got along to posting this 🙄

@Needcoffeecoffeecoffee

Perhaps they arent comfortable with the added risk of being a non childcare bubble with you?

We discussed this with them - it was agreed. It would probably be more apt to call it a support bubble? They get to see the kids and in fairness to mum she also cooks some lovely meals.

Also are both children biologically their grandkids? That’s a bit age gap.

YABU. You’re breaking the rules with your “childcare bubble”.

In regards to your expectations, you shouldn’t expect anything. They are who they are and you can’t change that; you can’t expect them to be the loving family you want just because you’re estranged from your own.