To expect more from my in laws?

[LiJo2015]

I am estranged from all my bio family. I am a mum to an 11 year old and a 5 month old. We moved closer to them a few years back prompted by my husbands job. When we lived a few hours away I thought this contributed to us not being close. Now we live less than 10 minutes drive from them and there is still an emotional and very physical distance from them. I know they love us but i find their emotional distance hard.

Just to add - we have formed a childcare bubble with them - although they dont provide childcare it just means they can see the kids, about once every 1-2 weeks?

So...

AIBU - if so - why?
AINBU - if so - why?

Sorry you're feeling quite alone with it all. Unfortunately your DH's parents are what they are - if they were never emotionally engaged with him as their own child growing up, they would struggle to change, even if they were willing, for grandchildren. It's shit, and I'm sorry you haven't got that emotional support.

[quote LiJo2015]@emilyfrost

Ive just seen you also had a baby in lockdown. So you will know first hand how many talks with the HCP were had about risk to newborns. Do you honestly think many new mums would risk the health of their newborn?[/quote]
What are you talking about? What risks to newborns? Corona? Because not a single HCP mentioned corona to me in relation to the baby.

My mil was getting my dd 4 times per week from school. She now gets oldest from school whose y6 as I've moved youngest schools. She gets oldest 4 times per week and I drop youngest of after school for tea while I go bk home to wfh. I think once per week is suffient to be honest. However you be like me and text photos on whats app regularly and message or ring for a chat

She used to baby sit youngest who is 6 3 times per week as well whilst I worked

LiJo2015 my inlaws, dh and i have a half hour zoom every week. It has brought us all a lot closer. Have you tried that.

Ideally i would love to see hands on involvement with the kids, especially my daughter. I never had grandparents growing up, and would love for my kids to have this

I can sympathise with you OP, and i can understand the desire to give your children what you feel you missed out on.
However....there is a big difference between reality and fantasy.

Grandparents are not there to outsource one's own parental responsibilities under the guise of 'childcare'......
Grandparents are allowed to choose to put their own lives first once they're done raising their own kids.
Grandparents do not deserve criticism for this.

Grandparents are allowed to enjoy their time and lives and NOT have it revolve around the grandkids.
There is NOTHING WRONG with that.
Many of us have grown up without 'secure parental/family relationships' and that's just the way life is sometimes.

On the flip side - having 'involved' grandparents is not a guarantee that your kids will actually positively benefit from it......

I do wonder though, how as a society and groups we can facilitate the 'need' people have for these kind of relationships without making DNA-sharing a pre-requisite.....??????

@monkeymonkey2010

Really interesting insight - thank you?

Im intrigued by your final paragraph - could you expand?

I do wonder though, how as a society and groups we can facilitate the 'need' people have for these kind of relationships without making DNA-sharing a pre-requisite.....??????

I think that you're expectations are too high. You want your ILs to be both sets of grandparents in one.

Most people who live close to their ILs would see once every 1-2 weeks as optimal.

I'm confused about something. Your h has MH problems because of his upbringing but you want gp to be part of your kids upbringings? If anything supervised contact sounds like a must.

I would be interested in their side to the story. I suspect they love you and the grandkids but find you too pushy and intense as they sound mire reserved.

@Italiangreyhound

Theyre not great talkees In person. When we do talk on the phone, it can feel a little strained. Im not sure zoom would work bery well. But thabkyou for the suggestion.

@marshmallowfluffy

I would be interested in their side to the story. I suspect they love you and the grandkids but find you too pushy and intense as they sound mire reserved.

I suspect they might. I will refkect on this. Thabkyou

OP- you are projecting your wishes for an loving extended family and they do not live up to it. I get it, my parents were emotionally stunted as a consequence of their upbringing. Late DH's family are a complete contrast but live 100's miles away and realistically we remain outsiders but are made to feel very welcome when we are able to head up. I have settled in a northern city where it is pretty usual that people continue to live close to parents/grandparents/siblings etc as there is no real reason to move away. Therefore the contrast between DC and their friend's experience of family can seem pretty stark and lacking on our part. However it is what it is- and to be honest we created our own network. It is easy to have a rose tinted view of having loving grandparents to hand but think of all the frustrated posts on aibu about PIL buying xmas stocking etc! You cannot mould people to fit what you want. Far better for you to accept what you have and create happiness around it.

@PietariKontio

As someone who, aside from my DW and DC, is quite emotionally reserved, I can't say keenly enough how I wish people would stop expecting people to behave/engage/emote in the way they feel is 'correct'. People are different, and should only be judged for actively being unkind, not for expressing themselves 'differently' or less overt emotionally. You say you know they love you, so they must be doing something positive. Let them be the people they are. This problem is your problem, and I can't understand how you get to be an adult without knowing that people engage on an emotional and relationship level differently, and, while you can prefer what works for you, expecting other people to fit that model is wrong.

That.

You need them to be something they're not. They can't be that. They love you, they're kind. That's a better hand than a lot of people are dealt, to be honest.

Also can the Covid police please do one? OP used the wrong term for her bubble. That's all. She's not broken the rules or guidance in any way.