To expect more from my in laws?

[LiJo2015]

I am estranged from all my bio family. I am a mum to an 11 year old and a 5 month old. We moved closer to them a few years back prompted by my husbands job. When we lived a few hours away I thought this contributed to us not being close. Now we live less than 10 minutes drive from them and there is still an emotional and very physical distance from them. I know they love us but i find their emotional distance hard.

Just to add - we have formed a childcare bubble with them - although they dont provide childcare it just means they can see the kids, about once every 1-2 weeks?

So...

AIBU - if so - why?
AINBU - if so - why?

I do understand you OP. Just recently someone in my family is having an almost identical issue. I think it’s a shame but there is nothing you can do to change people really. Your in-laws can’t replace your mum unfortunately. It would be nice if they were warmer but they are not. I think you have to accept whatever is good about them and just try to nurture that relationship. It could grow into something more but equally it might not. And then hopefully you’ll have friendships that are more supportive and warmer. That could offset some of the loss of family closeness. I don’t know if I’ve articulated this well but I do understand you and you are not BU.

OP clearly your gripe is based on what you think a grandparent should think and be and do. Truth is, you’ve never had that example to live by so you’re imagining what it could be like and then thinking that it should.

You’re seeing these people regularly with your kids, exactly what else are you expecting? Based on the fact you have no family of your own and no personal experience to go on i suspect you don’t actually know what it is you want.

I dont really see what they're doing wrong, your expectations seem super high of them to be fairytale grandparents but you have to respect who people are. They're not doing anything wrong, they're just not good enough for you. Which is not very nice.

And obviously you're clutching at straws trying to find a reason for still going for Sunday dinner throughout the pandemic when everyone else hasn't seen their families for all this time. You're wrong there, so wrong, and it's just another thing that makes me think you're a little selfish and unable to see how things are from others points of views.

YABU for seeing them as a "childcare" bubble when they aren't providing childcare. Such a cop out.

YABU for expecting more yet not explaining what you do to proactively encourage a better relationship. It takes two sides.

I’m interested in why you’re so keen for your children to have a close relationship with two people whose emotional “inertness” you believe are in part responsible for your husband’s long term mental health issues?

I see why you would wish it were different... but I don’t see why you be trying to push a potentially damaging relationship on your children.

You can't change people OP. This is their style of grandparenting and they're entitled to do it their way. They're not being unreasonable.

I get why you might have hoped for something your bio family couldn't provide but... you haven't got it and them's the breaks. You hopefully have a loving partner and kids, though.

I'd suggest nurturing friendships to gain that sort of emotional support and closeness outside the family setup.

Op, you’ve still failed to explain what more interested or hands on actually means. What actions it translates to, if it’s not free child care

If yout eldest is eleven then you’ve known this for eleven years. You clearly think they are bad parents, why do you now want them to be doing some unnamed stuff with your kids?

@Cocomarine

I’m interested in why you’re so keen for your children to have a close relationship with two people whose emotional “inertness” you believe are in part responsible for your husband’s long term mental health issues?

I see why you would wish it were different... but I don’t see why you be trying to push a potentially damaging relationship on your children.

That’s a good point.

This might be worth thinking on @LiJo2015.

As someone who, aside from my DW and DC, is quite emotionally reserved, I can't say keenly enough how I wish people would stop expecting people to behave/engage/emote in the way they feel is 'correct'.
People are different, and should only be judged for actively being unkind, not for expressing themselves 'differently' or less overt emotionally. You say you know they love you, so they must be doing something positive.
Let them be the people they are. This problem is your problem, and I can't understand how you get to be an adult without knowing that people engage on an emotional and relationship level differently, and, while you can prefer what works for you, expecting other people to fit that model is wrong.

@emilyfrost

YABU. You’re breaking the rules with your “childcare bubble”.

In regards to your expectations, you shouldn’t expect anything. They are who they are and you can’t change that; you can’t expect them to be the loving family you want just because you’re estranged from your own.

The OP has a baby of 5 months, so no she's not. It's allowed.

Support bubble: your household includes a child who is under the age of one or was under that age on 2 December 2020

Childcare bubble: A childcare bubble is where one household links with one other household to provide informal childcare to anyone under 14. All adults in both households must agree to this arrangement. ‘Informal’ childcare means it is unpaid and unregistered. Members of either household can provide childcare in a home or public place. This includes overnight care. You can only have one childcare bubble with one other household. This means no household should be part of more than one childcare bubble.

[quote LiJo2015]@Chamomileteaplease

What kind of parents were these people like to your husband? Is he emotionally close to them now?

In a nutshell- emotionally inert. He has had mental health issue all his life, in prt because of emotionally unresponsive parents. My DH loves his parents but accepts that they are emotionally inert.

Are they kind, nice people?

Yes

[/quote]
Why would you expect them to change now, though?

@LiJo2015

A bit hopeful of me to think that the childcare bubble wouldnt be picked apart but also apologies from me for not checking why we had some this.

We have formed a SUPPORT bubble with the in laws as our daughter in under 1.

But there isn’t any support really is there?

Love, I get it, you want the hearts and flowers grandparents

But they’re not like that, have never been like that and moreover don’t want to be like that.

You need to reset your expectations or you will find this hurtful and disappointing

Take them at face value, expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed

The OP has a baby of 5 months, so no she's not. It's allowed.

Nanny0gg Incorrect. She said it was a childcare bubble but that they didn’t provide childcare; that’s not allowed.

She is allowed a support bubble as she has a child under one, but a) she didn’t say it was a support bubble which means she doesn’t understand the rules and is happy to break them for her own purposes and b) she isn’t allowed a childcare bubble that isn’t a childcare bubble.

@Cocomarine

I’m interested in why you’re so keen for your children to have a close relationship with two people whose emotional “inertness” you believe are in part responsible for your husband’s long term mental health issues?

I see why you would wish it were different... but I don’t see why you be trying to push a potentially damaging relationship on your children.

I agree with this completely.

These people were unable to lovingly parent their own son, but you appear to think they should magic up feelings for their GC?

Your expectations are very unreasonable. You know what they are.

They can only be who they are. Some people just aren't showy emotionally. They clearly love your DC and are kind and you see them lots. Your expectations need to be lowered or you're just lining yourself up for constant disappointment. If they were as inert with your DH as you say, then it sounds like they've come on in leaps and bounds now. There's definitely some attempt to fill a void that cannot be filled here.

@emilyfrost

The OP has a baby of 5 months, so no she's not. It's allowed.

Nanny0gg Incorrect. She said it was a childcare bubble but that they didn’t provide childcare; that’s not allowed.

She is allowed a support bubble as she has a child under one, but a) she didn’t say it was a support bubble which means she doesn’t understand the rules and is happy to break them for her own purposes and b) she isn’t allowed a childcare bubble that isn’t a childcare bubble.

Exactly. Plus the “bubble” has been legal for 5 months and the last time I counted we’ve been in this pandemic for 10 months... It’s just convenient for the OP that someone upthread noted the support bubble rules, which OP jumped on like a rat up a drainpipe.

You can't change other people, OP, you can only change yourself. The grandparents your children have may not be what you would like, but they don't sound actively bad.

With a 5m old you're entitled to a support bubble. Could they be it? Could you ask DH whether they'd like more involvement? Maybe invite them over for lunch/a cuppa once a week and hopefully they'll reciprocate and you could go from there?

OP, I get it. My parents don't do "emotions" either. I would never (for example) ring my mum for support if I was going through a hard time because she would be no help and probably leave me feeling worse because she'd been so unsympathetic.

However, it sounds like your in-laws have always been like that and they are not going to change. so you need to think about the sort of relationship that you can realistically have from them. If you need emotional support, you need to get it from a husband or a friend or a support group. If you keep hoping to get it from your in-laws you will be forever disappointed.

This doesn't mean that you can't have a relationship with them on different terms. If they are seeing you/the children every 1-2 weeks it sounds like they quite like spending time with you, at least in short doses. Why not be happy with that? They are people that you (or your children) can spend a pleasant undemanding couple of hours with. Keep topics of conversation to neutral topics. Have you asked for very specific practical help? You might find that they are happy to provide this (e.g. babysitting, getting bits from the shop).

YABU. You seem to be looking for them to fill the void if you not having your parents. Perhaps they just don't want to be that involved.

So you've chosen to go NC with your own family, but expect in laws to step up and start playing The Walton's type happy families to compensate?

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

So you've chosen to go NC with your own family, but expect in laws to step up and start playing The Walton's type happy families to compensate?

Her mother is dead. And she is estranged from her dad.

It's fairly standard to be NC with a deceased relative isn't it?

Why won't people RTFT? Especially if they're going to be arsey.

You know from your own parents that grandparents don’t always want to be involved.

You want them to be very lose, to spend time with their grandchildren, to be involved and interested. That’s not who they are. You can’t force them to be any different.

In my family there was a set of grandparents who saw their retirement as their reward, they guarded it jealously. Form no to babysitting, when they visited they visited the adults not the children. Any time spent with the children was spent doing adult orientated activities, think afternoon tea with a three year old. No parks, no swimming pools.

You won’t change them. Just accept it.

I’m not sure I understand what being emotionally distant means. However if it has made your DH feel mentally unwell at any point, why would you want to subject your DC to them?