To expect more from my in laws?

[LiJo2015]

I am estranged from all my bio family. I am a mum to an 11 year old and a 5 month old. We moved closer to them a few years back prompted by my husbands job. When we lived a few hours away I thought this contributed to us not being close. Now we live less than 10 minutes drive from them and there is still an emotional and very physical distance from them. I know they love us but i find their emotional distance hard.

Just to add - we have formed a childcare bubble with them - although they dont provide childcare it just means they can see the kids, about once every 1-2 weeks?

So...

AIBU - if so - why?
AINBU - if so - why?

This isn’t very clear @LiJo2015 but sadly you can’t be in the business of changing people.

A lot of grandparents see grandchildren once/twice a week. A lot more don’t see them that much!

It’s hard for us to comment I think because it’s hard to know what you’re looking for. Especially if you know what they’re like!

Yabu because you can’t control other people. Just because they are you in laws doesn’t mean they owe you anything. If people keep disappointing you, you need to change your expectations. This is on you. If you want to be closer, call them more, invite them over. Ask them about their lives. BUT if they’ve they aren’t interested in sharing more of their lives with you. You need to accept that. It’s pretty simple

@Bluntness100

Op, what does more hands on mean? Do you want them to provide you with free child care is that it, and you are hesitant to spell it out. Because you’re worried about being flamed?

Hands on - just interested?

No free childcare expected.

Ok, so what does more “interested” and “hands on” with an eleven year old snd a five month old look like.

Is the eleven year old not Biolgoically theirs?

They can’t be in a non childcare bubble-I can’t see how they fit the rules.
@PurpleDaisies

I know. It doesnt fit the rules and 1000s of us want to see parents/children to see grandparents but op referred to it as a "childcare bubble" which it isnt obviously so that's why I called it a non childcare bubble

@LiJo2015 it is not a support bubble. Neither household have a single adult in it. It's just breaking the rules

God this thread has annoyed me.
My DC haven’t seen their grandparents for months because of CV. Maybe we should have just created some fake childcare bubble with them too. Maybe everyone should just do that. Oh wait. No we wouldn’t do that because it’s taking the fucking piss.

@Chamomileteaplease

What kind of parents were these people like to your husband? Is he emotionally close to them now?

In a nutshell- emotionally inert. He has had mental health issue all his life, in prt because of emotionally unresponsive parents. My DH loves his parents but accepts that they are emotionally inert.

Are they kind, nice people?

Yes

@Cocomarine

It’s not on your PIL to replace her though, or your dad

I have often thought this. I know i put extra emotional expectation on them because of the conplete lack of fanily on my side

@Bluntness100

Also are both children biologically their grandkids? That’s a bit age gap.

Yes

They won't change and you need to accept that and just deal with it.
Their relationship with your children will never be the "film version" of life with doting grandparents. But it is still a relationship and wondering how you can change people will only cause you upset

My kids haven’t seen their grandparents in almost a year bar once or twice when it was deemed safe. They haven’t hugged since last March.

You’re being silly.

Actually I’ve just realised the child is 5 months, not 5.

They could form a support bubble.

I wonder why this is a non childcare childcare bubble.

You have what so many people want. Ils who happily allow you to raise your own dc and don't interfere. We say not interested I do get that and it's bloody awful.

My ils were the same. We lived less than 5 mins away and they never called round. Never took dc anywhere. Never bought them a treat.. Nice people just not interested.
Now if you asked about their dd's dc and THAT relationship.....
Do they have a dd? Any other dgc?
Any logic at all they may have?

In usual times do you ever invite them over to spend time with your family, do you ever initiate trips out with them? Have you asked them to look after the children?

If you've not tried to involve them maybe they think you're not bothered about spending time with them.

For a lot of the last year I wouldn't have expected them to be hands on due to restrictions.

Op, people are strange, your in laws can't give what they don't have.
You can't make them change their personality.

I understand its frustrating, my in laws are like aliens to me I've never experienced anything like them but they're also unpleasant.
Are you in the laws nice?

@PurpleDaisies

I think youre right. We have firmed a bubble with the in laws as my daughter is less than 12 months of agr.

We discussed this with them - it was agreed. It would probably be more apt to call it a support bubble? They get to see the kids and in fairness to mum she also cooks some lovely meals

So not a childcare bubble or a support bubble at all. You are just trotting off there for Sunday dinner every other week as if we aren't in a pandemic.

[quote LiJo2015]@PurpleDaisies

I think youre right. We have firmed a bubble with the in laws as my daughter is less than 12 months of agr.[/quote]
What you you mean, you think I’m right? You know why you formed this bubble and on what basis it was legal.

If this was written by the in-laws they would get a very hard time on here! Maybe your MIL is on here, a lot of us are, and thinks they are respecting your 'little family's' privacy.

What is it you actually think they should be doing? They see the kids once or twice a week and your mil provides nice meals. I cannot work out what you are expecting of them. What does emotionally inert even mean?

I think you’ve been dealt the worst of hands with bio family. This possibly means two things - that you’re searching for PIL to replace them, but also that you don’t actually have a model for what that replacement should look like.

Perhaps you want very obvious, effusively emotional PIL - because you don’t know what quiet love and acceptance and interest looks like?

Everyone shows it in different ways. My MIL used to annoy me with her failure to ever try to talk to my kids, or engage with them. She’s not very good at parenting. But she’d watch them - just watch. And apparently she talked about them non stop at old person chair tai chi club!

So your PIL may care more than you think.

If they don’t... it is a real shame for you and your kids - but you would be unreasonable to expect more. Your husband only came to their area as a coincidence because of work - it’s a bit hypocritical to expect them to be more physically close, when you also chose that distance.

Try to accept them for what they are - if they want to see your kids every 1-2 weeks (regardless that I personally think they shouldn’t right now 😉) then I think they’re doing better than you think. You have to let them off the hook for your bio family.

I just can't answer YABU or YANBU on this one.
I think they probably are how they are and there may not be much you can do to change that. I'm assuming this was the situation before the Pandemic anyway.
However, I also think you need to decide exactly what it is you want from them? and then talk to them about things in general. Let them know what you would appreciate. Do you know why they hold back?
It sounds like you are missing your bio family, even if estranged. Sometimes its not possible to build bridges, but sometimes it is... Is this something you could consider?
Failing that when the pandemic is over I think you need to build new friendships so that there is less pressure/dependence on this one.

A bit hopeful of me to think that the childcare bubble wouldnt be picked apart but also apologies from me for not checking why we had some this.

We have formed a SUPPORT bubble with the in laws as our daughter in under 1.

Op you have all the information about what they are like at your finger tips.
Lower expectations, don't expect much of them and move on emotionally.

What do you want from them? More frequent contact, them to do baking with your 11 year old, to call and chat with you about your day? When you say they’re emotionally inert what does that mean?

Many people don’t have a touchy feely, talk through everything, emotionally supportive relationship with their parent. If they didn’t have that with their son they’re even less likely to have it with you.

How do you relate to them? Do you phone regularly, keep in touch, send cards and flowers etc? It may be they simply don’t know how to be in that kind of relationship.