To expect more from my in laws?

[LiJo2015]

I am estranged from all my bio family. I am a mum to an 11 year old and a 5 month old. We moved closer to them a few years back prompted by my husbands job. When we lived a few hours away I thought this contributed to us not being close. Now we live less than 10 minutes drive from them and there is still an emotional and very physical distance from them. I know they love us but i find their emotional distance hard.

Just to add - we have formed a childcare bubble with them - although they dont provide childcare it just means they can see the kids, about once every 1-2 weeks?

So...

AIBU - if so - why?
AINBU - if so - why?

@Bluntness100

Fair point - i will definately give this some tgought. Thabkyou

I don't know why people are acting so confused it's really obvious what the op is looking for. More contact, more emotional involvement, more interest it their lives, some support perhaps.

Does my fucking head in when posters do this faux confused thing.

@maddening

🤣 good point - will definately ponder on this

You can’t force a relationship with other people. Also I find intensity of expectation makes me very anxious and keen to withdraw. I struggle to stay overnight at other peoples houses as I find sustained interaction really exhausting when there’s not a set activity. Even with members of my own very close family. The idea of holidaying with anyone else for example is awful to me. Have done it a few times and just don’t want to do it again. You sound very intense and that you find your ILs wanting in some way, but can’t articulate exactly what it is you want from them. At the end of the day you are responsible for your children, no one else is.

@maddening

From gov website about wupport bubbles

your household includes a child who is under the age of one or was under that age on 2 December 2020

You are expecting your inlaws to be the family you didn't feel you had.

The problem is your expectations.

@Whattodo121

Thankyou for ypur persective

@Plussizejumpsuit shes being unreasonable with her expectations. Seeing them at least once every two weeks where she said mil provides lovely meals and says they are lovely nice people is more than enough. They arent there to live their life to satisfy the ops needs, wants and desires.

We lived a 2 minute drive from my inlaws. They came over once in 7 years. It's just the way some people are.

@Cocomarine Anyone with a child under one is free to form a support bubble with another household. OP is not contravening the rules

[quote Scbchl]@Plussizejumpsuit shes being unreasonable with her expectations. Seeing them at least once every two weeks where she said mil provides lovely meals and says they are lovely nice people is more than enough. They arent there to live their life to satisfy the ops needs, wants and desires.[/quote]
My post was nothing to do with whether op expectations were reasonable or not. The first page is filled with comments saying I don't understand what you want? What more do you want.

That's what I'm talking about that, I don't get it attitude when tbh you've got to be a bit challenged not to understand what she's saying. It's just really tiring. Happens all the time here.

Oh god, all this talk of breaking guidelines. Who actually gives a fuck? If they are not seeing anyone, nor or in laws risk of transmission is very low indeed

Maybe they just don’t like kids much?

Or don’t want to get too close as they like their own space and free time, have their own lives and hobbies?

Do you get on with them?

Not everyone is excited to have grandchildren. From what you say they see you all quite often, are kind, cook meals. Maybe they’re not expressive but it doesn’t seem like they’re disinterested either.

What do you mean by ‘emotionally inert?’ Do they not express affection at all? Do they never initiate meeting up? Or do you have to keep inviting them to yours/arranging meetings ups so they see the children?

Does your DH ever take the kids to them without you?

People generally 'give' what they feel comfortable with. And it's up to us to adjust ourselves to them, not expect them to live up to our expectations of who or what they should be. But we need to be sure we're all on the same page.

I've read your posts @LiJo2015 , and I'm sorry they can't or won't live up to your expectations. But what do you do to encourage them to have a closer relationship? Do you invite them over? Is your home 'welcoming' as opposed to chaotic? You mention MiL cooking delicious meals, do you cook for her? Have you ever sat down with them and said "We'd love to see you more often, please don't feel you're imposing or being suffocating if you want to come by". You probably can't change their personalities, but perhaps you can make them want to be more physically present.

You also have to remember that many iLs are very sensitive about intruding on their married children. Especially MiLs wrt DiLs. My DiL is a dream and we have a very, very good relationship but I always think twice as to whether or not I'm imposing on her or being 'bossy' if I suggest something.

Fata's - whilst the op is not breaking guidelines I imagine that it is pretty sensitive to a lot of people now who have lost relatives and friends, had sick relatives and friends, been ill themselves, lost their businesses, lost their jobs, feel isolated yet fall out of the bubble system, have anxiety, are just fucking fed up even, are stressed about the economy, are stressed about home schooling, have other health care delayed etc. You will find the strength of feeling where people are seen or perceived to be breaking or stretching the rules, or pushing rules as far as they can etc as we know that it is partly due to that behaviour that we are still here. There is a whole other argument about whether the rules themselves were at any point inappropriate.

YANBU to be disappointed in the relationship, where there is only one set of grandparents its understandable you pinned your hopes on a good relationship.

YABU to think that at their stage of life, they would have a sudden change. If they arent emotionally close to their own child they probably are incapable of being emotionally close to anyone. It would be very very difficult or impossible for them to change even if they wanted to.

They do make an effort to spend time with you and are nice people though so I think you will have to learn to make your peace with that.

We had a neighbour when I was growing up who we had that kind of close relationship with as one set of GP were elderly and the others were 5 hours away. And I have an aunt now I'm very close to who loves my kids. That role doesn't have to go to someone who is related to the children by blood. I thought there were friending schemes that match elderly people with families maybe you could try this after the pandemic?

That sounds pretty normal to me

I agree with @PietariKontio
You say they are kind people. Leave it at that. My DD GM isn’t an emotional sort but would do anything for us.
I think your trying to fill the void that your family have left but that’ll do more damage than good.
Just let it be you have them they are there for you it’s better than nothing

@Whocutdownthecherrytree

Yabu because you can’t control other people. Just because they are you in laws doesn’t mean they owe you anything. If people keep disappointing you, you need to change your expectations. This is on you. If you want to be closer, call them more, invite them over. Ask them about their lives. BUT if they’ve they aren’t interested in sharing more of their lives with you. You need to accept that. It’s pretty simple

This

YABU to have a bubble. When you’ve got no need for one

I've learnt not to expect anything at all from my in-laws.

Sorry op I don’t know why I was being so thick before, possibly not wanting to admit that your in laws are exactly the same as my parents. Don’t expect them to have any interest in anyone’s emotional well being, other than their own, it will never happen.

Are you seriously grumbling because your in laws are not in your life enough? Or have I totally missed the point?

Expectations can cause a lot of disappointment.

You had an image of the relationship you would have with your future ILs and the kind of relationship your DC would have with their grandparents. You didn’t have grandparents, you lost your mother when you were only a baby and your father isn’t in your life. You’ve invested a lot in the idea of ‘how things should/will be.’ I think that your ILs had a lot to live up to.

You seem to have pretty decent ILs. They may not be as involved in your life as some ILs but they’re more involved than many. They’re not arsey with you or interfering. The main issue is that they’re not what you wanted as ILs and that’s not their fault.

Try not to hold them to some invisible standard that you’ve set, because they’ll inevitably fall short of it. You get to pick your partner not your ILs.

People are so bitter about the support bubbles aren't they. Having a baby in lockdown was really quite shit. It's so pathetic to begrudge those people some support and even worse to shriek about rule breaking when you clearly haven't read the rules!

It's kind of weird, if they were not hands on parents to your dh, why do you expect them to be hands on grand parents to your children? I think you are expecting too much. People don't change easily.
I think that you can feel they love you and your family is good enough. Some people won't even get that.