To expect more from my in laws?

[LiJo2015]

I am estranged from all my bio family. I am a mum to an 11 year old and a 5 month old. We moved closer to them a few years back prompted by my husbands job. When we lived a few hours away I thought this contributed to us not being close. Now we live less than 10 minutes drive from them and there is still an emotional and very physical distance from them. I know they love us but i find their emotional distance hard.

Just to add - we have formed a childcare bubble with them - although they dont provide childcare it just means they can see the kids, about once every 1-2 weeks?

So...

AIBU - if so - why?
AINBU - if so - why?

@SlippersForFlippers

In usual times do you ever invite them over to spend time with your family, do you ever initiate trips out with them? Have you asked them to look after the children?

So many times. Im known for being the one to organise things. I know the last few years tgough i have actively withdrwn from being so much as i was often left emotionally deplete.

One thing that has become apperent. Covid or not - in relation to the kids - its been the same.

@LickEmbysmiling

Yes - mu in laws are kind and lovely people. I think they just come from a different genration and fundamentally just different people - not very emptionally. I wonder sometimes whther they would be on the spectrum.

@Cissyandflora

Thankyou - i think youre articulated better than i could - its tge lack of emotional warmth

@AlternativePerspective

OP clearly your gripe is based on what you think a grandparent should think and be and do. Truth is, you’ve never had that example to live by so you’re imagining what it could be like and then thinking that it should.

You’re seeing these people regularly with your kids, exactly what else are you expecting? Based on the fact you have no family of your own and no personal experience to go on i suspect you don’t actually know what it is you want.

This is an excellent perspective - thabkyou, i hadnt tgought of this

Oh yes, because everyone who doesn't fit your nice image of " emotional support " is on the spectrum!
Nice😕

The thing is op, they may never be the kind of grandparents you imagined they would be. I think the fact you didn’t have grandparents, and you’re estranged from your family, has given you a fantasy picture in your head of what you want you think good grandparents should be. Instead of being sad that they’re not living up to expectations, you work with what you have and make sure your children and secure in their relationships with you. If they’re that emotionally unattached, it will do your dc more harm than good if you force a relationship with them. As they get older, they will sense how their grandparents are for themselves.

They shouldn’t be a childcare bubble unless providing childcare. This would be licence for anyone to just see their in-laws / parent who felt like it, and defeat the whole object of lockdown.

@@Cocomarine

I’m interested in why you’re so keen for your children to have a close relationship with two people whose emotional “inertness” you believe are in part responsible for your husband’s long term mental health issues?

God this is such a good and sad point. Maybe because theyre the best my kids have? In terms of 'extended fanily'

Your PIL already see your kids at least once every 2 weeks. Surely that’s plenty , especially during a pandemic?

How old are PIL and do they still work?

As a parent to adult children, I wouldn’t want to be constantly in and out of their houses as I have my own busy life to lead and they have theirs.

If you’re unhappy with your life, it isn’t your PIL’s job to resolve that for you.

I have a friend who’s life revolves around her grandkids. She’ll cancel plans even at the last minute, if her DD or DIL ask her to take the grandkids for the afternoon or overnight.

Personally, I think she’s become a doormat for her adult kids but that’s her choice.

I suspect maybe that’s the OP wants from her MIL?

I don't think you should judge them too much based on behaviour in a pandemic. Yes technically you can see them with a five month old under a support bubble - but do you actually need this support? They might be slightly hands off because they don't want to catch the virus or are unused to seeing people so much now.

It really annoys me that people who don't need support are finding almost loopholes to get it when the point isn't following the rules, but avoiding the virus, so even when you CAN have a bubble, you should really consider if you SHOULD.

Anyway, my point that you might find useful is that none of us are leading normal lives at the moment, so don't judge too harshly during lockdown where none of us know how to behave around people any more! After all even in a bubble you are still supposed to distance and have fresh air where possible - did you know that?

God this is such a good and sad point. Maybe because theyre the best my kids have? In terms of 'extended fanily'

But even they are not good enough for you. You call them emotionally inert. Say they aren’t doing enough. Even speculate they are in the spectrum, because they don’t meet your standards.

What does “emotionally inert” actually mean?

@emilyfrost

I got the name wrong. I have formed a bubble with my in laws within the remit of whats allowed. Previous to this, they disnt see them or us.

My brain is a little foggy.

@MzHz

All good points- thabkyou

@Pinkdelight3

All good points - thabkyou

we have formed a childcare bubble with them - although they dont provide childcare it just means they can see the kids, about once every 1-2 weeks?

Isn't that what grandparents do? See the kids when you visit for a couple of hours and after that get on with their own lives. Sounds quite normal.

My parents live about a mile away and normally we'll see them every couple of weeks and that's it.

@Ilovenewyear

I was aware of the change in rules, and the IL have only ever seen the kids within the rules allowed. I sinply made a mistake in the OP by callimg it a childcare bubble.

Do you really think the majority of people would flout the rules and in doing so endanger tge people they love? I have a 5 momth old and we have been VERY aware to any increased risk to her.

Dispite my dh growing up in a very close family on both sides with GPs very involved, my mil and fil have nothing at all to do with our kids. One moved to Asia, the other 200 miles away. We see used to see them once a year if that. They are quite young grandparents and we never see them at all any more as they lead busy lives with no time or inclination for the kids. Even before they moved away as one lived a mile from us but was always too busy for vists

Of course it makes me sad but they are distant strangers to my kids and I dont think the kids figure them significant any more as there is no bond, no familiarity or even knowledge of them for the youngest.

OP I would be happy with what you have, it can be a lot worse even though I think my fil is probably a nice enough person so is step mil but they honestly dont have feelings for the kids beyound basic duty bound superficial feelings. There is no genuine love or even liking their GK. Sad but true

I understand exactly what you’re saying. You can’t expect people to give what they can’t give or be, who they can’t be. The only person you can change is yourself. And the only person’s reactions you can change are yours; yours in relation to how you feel about them and their lack of engagement. If you saw your frustrations in a different light, they can’t give and can’t be regardless of how annoying it is, you’d gain more perspective.

My fil is a nice man. But I could never have trusted him to look after dd as a baby. He doesn’t have the skills, ability or attention span. He does love my dd. But cannot connect with her. My mother is also emotionally distant. I am being a very different parent from either of them. That is all I can be and I’m sure I’ll get plenty of things right and wrong along the way.

Perhaps you and dh are over emotional people and the dp are just normal?

And can you provide the rule that allows this bubble as I don't think there is one.

I do tend to agree with another PP that this seems to be based on a dreamed 'ideal' grandparent that you feel your in-laws are not living up to, or even a difference in cultural or generational or straight-up personality expectation.

Although I understand having a picture in your head of what you'd ideally like for you children from their grandparents, I'm not sure it's very fair to actually expect it and get upset with your PIL if they are kind and lovely people, just in their own way. There are lots of styles of grandparenting and different styles will suit different children better or worse anyway.

My in-laws are absolutely lovely people and I adore them but my MIL in particular is an intensely private and not really demonstrative person, though I know she loves is all very much. I think she was just brought up in such a way that it would actually make her very uncomfortable to be emotionally open but she shows she loves us in all sorts of ways and is a lovely person to be around.

Also, my own mum has told me that she herself started to make a conscious effort to tell me that she loved me when I was aged 9 or so and found it intensely awkward and unnatural at first because it was so alien to her and her upbringing. However, I've always known that my mum is the one person in the world who always, completely unselfishly, has my best interests at heart and would do anything at all, regardless of the cost to her, if it helped me. She now openly adores her DGC so practice seems to have made perfect!

All of which is a very long way of saying that people are different - by temperament or upbringing - and if they are good, kind people who you know love you and your children, I think you should probably just try to focus on being grateful for that.

For what it's worth, the people who seem to get emotionally closed people to open up best are those who are secure enough in themselves to be openly demonstrative with them without expecting the same back (at least to begin with) or pushing the boundaries too much. I don't know the extent of what you're talking about but starting to encourage a closer emotional bond could be as simple as ending calls with, "ok, bye, we love you!" and not expecting them to say it back. In my experience, little things like that can really bring people up short and get them thinking about their reactions and why they don't say it themselves.

Just a thought. But it sounds like you have a lovely family, really.

@maddening

And can you provide the rule that allows this bubble as I don't think there is one.

The support bubble one. Look it up.

OP, I get it. My in laws are distant like this. Despite all they said when I was pregnant about wanting to see the kids loads, they never have much. MIL is only really interested in DH. My dad is also distant. You just have to accept that’s how they are and stop expecting so much from them - sorry. I’ve found that when I expect less, I’m not so often disappointed.

@RedskyBynight

Thabkyou for your insight