To expect more from my in laws?

[LiJo2015]

I am estranged from all my bio family. I am a mum to an 11 year old and a 5 month old. We moved closer to them a few years back prompted by my husbands job. When we lived a few hours away I thought this contributed to us not being close. Now we live less than 10 minutes drive from them and there is still an emotional and very physical distance from them. I know they love us but i find their emotional distance hard.

Just to add - we have formed a childcare bubble with them - although they dont provide childcare it just means they can see the kids, about once every 1-2 weeks?

So...

AIBU - if so - why?
AINBU - if so - why?

Can I just say from my perspective, you see sooooo many posts slagging off in laws . So I made it very clear from the start I would not interfere or pop round unannounced or tell my DIL and son how to bring up their children . Very clear .

I love my grandchildren very much .

But recently was very hurt as I was told that we were not supporting them enough . Even though we took them on holidays , baby sat , covered hospital appointments etc.

So as a MIL a sometimes you just can’t win.

Tell them if you need more help . Explain what you would like them to do . And then judge .

OP you really can't expect them to compensate for your lack of family. I don't think at all you mean to but it is quite entitled to expect another family to pick up that role. It sounds like you are so set on having that family experience , which I understand I have a complex family relationship, you have shoe horned them into that role but it's to suit you. It's not fair to expect them to fill your gap.

Secondly the reality is they are simply not demonstrative, you can't pick them apart for that and expect them to be something they are not because you think they should be.

You don't sound deliberately entitled,you sound rather nice but I think your need for the image of a family we all search for ,has blinded you here to reasonable expectations.

YANBU for having emotional needs.

YABU for assuming PIL were genetically engineered to fulfil them.

Dropping expectations of others can be lovely and liberating, OP. Might cheer you up, it usually works for me.

@OhCaptain

I had read the thread thank you
It is unfortunate that OPs Mother died when she was young, however other family? - "estranged" works both ways, and is a synonym for the phrase "No Contact"

"estranged , adjective. no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated"

I hear you @Unsure33

It can be hard to tread the line between helping & being involved and interfering & being in the way.

But it sounds like the OP's ILs are just not v nice or certainly emotionally unavailable.

I think you have to accept that OP, as others have said. Your DC will because they won't know any different so they will still have what they regard as good DGPs. And you never know, as they get older they might find a way through to relating to them more in their own way.

YABU.

You shouldn't EXPECT anything from your inlaws.

If you get something its nice. But you shouldn't EXPECT anything.

It should be a mutual relationship which is organic.

And you DEFINITELY shouldn't be EXPECTING anything when you are using a childcare excuse when you don't need childcare and its just for socialising and because its a convience to you.

To be fair to your ILs having read some of the MIL comments on MN where MIl can’t do anything right I don’t blame them for not being too involved. They sound like they love your kids. They see the kids. They are kind to the kids. They cook for the kids. Seems pretty ok to me especially during a pandemic when most of us have not spent any time with another household as per the rules.

[quote EveryDayIsADuvetDay]@OhCaptain

I had read the thread thank you
It is unfortunate that OPs Mother died when she was young, however other family? - "estranged" works both ways, and is a synonym for the phrase "No Contact"

"estranged , adjective. no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated"[/quote]
Ah, so you made your snotty Waltons comment knowing that OP's mother had passed and that she had no relationship with her father.

So many posters have been so harsh with you OP. I’m sorry they’ve been venting their anger and bitterness at your expense.

You’re estranged from your bio family and long for closeness from your in-laws. If not for you, for your DC - you want them to feel adored by their GPS. This is such a natural desire to have. You can’t change them of course, and have to accept them as they are, but it hurts your heart. I hear you.

@RedToothBrush

YABU.

You shouldn't EXPECT anything from your inlaws.

If you get something its nice. But you shouldn't EXPECT anything.

It should be a mutual relationship which is organic.

And you DEFINITELY shouldn't be EXPECTING anything when you are using a childcare excuse when you don't need childcare and its just for socialising and because its a convience to you.

The op is allowed to form a support bubble...

@maddening

And can you provide the rule that allows this bubble as I don't think there is one.

I did, upthread.

She has a baby under a year old, therefore can be in a support bubble.

@RedToothBrush

YABU.

You shouldn't EXPECT anything from your inlaws.

If you get something its nice. But you shouldn't EXPECT anything.

It should be a mutual relationship which is organic.

And you DEFINITELY shouldn't be EXPECTING anything when you are using a childcare excuse when you don't need childcare and its just for socialising and because its a convience to you.

FFS.

She admitted she got the term wrong.

It's a permitted Support bubble.

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty

People are so bitter about the support bubbles aren't they. Having a baby in lockdown was really quite shit. It's so pathetic to begrudge those people some support and even worse to shriek about rule breaking when you clearly haven't read the rules!

Quite.

@LiJo2015

Your biggest mistake was posting this in AIBU on a Sunday, where bored posters just want to put the boot in.

Try Relationships. You'll still get perspective there, but less of the arsiness.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Ok - this has absolutely hit the nail on the head. I am also aware i have this 'idea' of how it should be. I love watching my kids being doted on and loved, i know this comes from a place of not having this growing up. I see lots of my friends having doting mums and dads, especially on the maternal side. It saddens me i dont have this support, just a mum that cares for me and my own kids. I an aware i am projecting an expectation onto my in laws, i have actually spoken to them about it. It just makes me sad.

@Nanny0gg

Thankyou. To be fair i can deflect the arsjness pretty well. What the thread has goven me is perspective and thats exacglu what i wanted - so thankyou everyone

FFS.

She admitted she got the term wrong.

It's a permitted Support bubble.

Nanny0gg It’s nothing to do with getting the term wrong, as has already been explained to you. She didn’t know what the different bubbles were or the rules regarding them, which means she just set up her own bubble to suit her own needs without checking if it was allowed or not.

And no, it’s nothing to do with “being bitter about support bubbles” either as I also have a child under one and a support bubble associated with that. However I actually looked up the rules and checked we qualified before making one. OP didn’t.

@Unsure33 I know what you're saying, but I also think it's a good idea to keep offering your support over the years, because while it may not be needed at one time doesn't mean it won't be at another, IYSWIM. Plus you presumably want to form a bond with your GC independent to that with your son.

My IL's are similar to the OP's, although they live further away so less contact is understandable. They simply don't offer to spend time with the children, never suggest seeing them over during the holidays, or ever spend one-to one-time with them. We always have to make all the moves. My children (15 &112) have noticed how different this is to many of their friends' families, e.g., DD remarked sadly that some her friends are close to their grandmas, whereas she hardly knows hers. She doesn't really love them either, basically because she doesn't know them well enough.

It's their choice, of course, but if GP's want to have any sort of relationship with their GC, they do need to make a bit of effort. I've learnt that lesson and if I'm lucky enough to have GC myself, I'll definitely try harder than my IL's.

I sympathize with the OP. She may be expecting too much from "emotionally inert" people, but I can understand her disappointment.

@Cameleongirl

Thankyou

@emilyfrost

Nanny0gg It’s nothing to do with getting the term wrong, as has already been explained to you. She didn’t know what the different bubbles were or the rules regarding them, which means she just set up her own bubble to suit her own needs without checking if it was allowed or not.

No. I did not. Having a baby in lockdown has been shit. I have felt very alone at times. So when they new rules were announced i held onto them like a life jacket.

@emilyfrost

It really is as simple as me getting the wording wrong.

@emilyfrost

Ive just seen you also had a baby in lockdown. So you will know first hand how many talks with the HCP were had about risk to newborns. Do you honestly think many new mums would risk the health of their newborn?

OP ignore the teeth-gnashing of those desperate to get one over you with regards to the rules.

This is about your need to grieve what you didn’t have. You deserved love and support from your bio family and didn’t get it. Self-compassion and some therapy will help. You deserve compassion and you need time to process your sadness.

And if your in-laws are a bit cold and closed and it makes you sad, you know what? You are allowed to have feelings about that.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Thankyou - reading that means alot. Thankyou. Honestly, thankyou.

Xx