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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some men just can’t handle family life

232 replies

Dylaninthemovies1 · 16/06/2020 18:42

Over the past few years I’ve noticed quite a few friends and aquaintainces with young children split up with their husband/partner.

In nearly all scenarios the woman is literally left holding the baby. The man will only see the child(ren) when it suits them (once a week), keep changing the day they take the child, expect the mother to do all the parenting, avoid paying maintenance and try their best to make the mother’s life difficult.

I’ve noticed all the men seemed to have been very crap at being a dad even when they were with the mum; she’s left doing most of the childcare and housework even when working outside of the home too.

Am not saying all men are the same. But it just seems that so many men can’t handle family life

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2020 18:46

My belief is that most of these men gave off plenty of red flags before the children were even born, and their partners chose to ignore them, believing he would magically grow up and change once a baby arrived. Of course, they rarely ever do.

goodnamesgone · 16/06/2020 18:47

This has definitely been my experience with my X partner. What's really annoying is when they lie to everyone about how much of a good dad they are Hmm

My current partner is an absolutely brilliant dad and would have his DC 24/7 if he didn't have to go to work.

Definitely not all men like you say but there does seem to be a hell of a lot of them

ivfgottostaypositive · 16/06/2020 18:49

I suspect it's 99% of the time when the man is the "partner" and not the "husband" - too many people have children with each other after being together 5 minutes having previously shown little commitment to anything or anyone before

Rosebel · 16/06/2020 18:52

Just because they haven't been together long is no excuse. Some men are just crap and some aren't

Original poster
Dylaninthemovies1 · 16/06/2020 18:52

@Aquamarine1029. I don’t know. One guy seemed like a great husband, yet when his child arrived it was really obvious the change in him. He took a job working away when the baby was a few weeks old (without consulting his wife) and left everything to her. I was close to them both and didn’t imagine him like that.

I was with my DH over ten years before baby arrived and the minute I was pregnant he couldn’t do enough for me. And when baby arrived he was the perfect dad (still is), but he seems in a minority. We struggled concieving and looked into adoption but where rejected as he didn’t seem that into it to the social workers. I was raging as he is extremely quiet and doesn’t talk a good game, but he’s right in there when it comes to practical things

OP posts:
HappyMealWithLegs · 16/06/2020 18:53

It isn't a popular opinion but I think most men rapidly lose interest in their kids when they are no longer in a relationship with the mother.

Original poster
Dylaninthemovies1 · 16/06/2020 18:53

Yip, seems like that for a lot of men Happy

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/06/2020 18:54

They could handle it.
They CBA.

AgeLikeWine · 16/06/2020 18:55

You don’t know the full story of these relationships. It is entirely possible that these men should never have become fathers, didn’t really want to become fathers and reluctantly agreed because the women they loved were desperate to be mothers.

Men don’t, as a rule, get broody and any woman who doesn’t understand this doesn’t know many men.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2020 18:58

One guy seemed like a great husband

Come on now, how would you possibly know what he was really like behind closed doors? You only saw what he wanted you to see, and it's doubtful his wife was completely forthcoming about the realities of their relationship.

Original poster
Dylaninthemovies1 · 16/06/2020 18:59

@AgeLikeWine that may well be true. But they should have made this clear before conception

OP posts:
Original poster
Dylaninthemovies1 · 16/06/2020 19:00

@Aquamarine1029 actually. You’re right. He seemed like a great husband on the outside

OP posts:
louise5754 · 16/06/2020 19:07

I don't think my husband is to be honest. He can take them to school / walks /make their tea.

He can't play with them / watch films they're into. He chooses films he likes zombies / vampires etc.

A lot of the time he's in our bedroom watching tv.

I say he acts like a teenager.

He works away lots so wants to come home and chill but I think their has to be a balance.

Regularsizedrudy · 16/06/2020 19:12

It’s not that they can’t handle it, they have a sense of entitlement and think every thing should be made easy for them

fuckinghellthisshit · 16/06/2020 19:13

I have seen all sorts of failures of parenting, some were obviously going to happen, others no clue.
My own DH was a fantastic parent to children, brilliant, second to none, but a really shit parent to teenagers and he isn't able to handle their independence. He also had a bereavement, became very depressed and selfish.

Life isn't always easily predictable and people do change. I hate it when smug people sit and imply his failings are due to me 'choosing' a poor father for my DC. It's unkind and unhelpful. Women are already blamed for shitty thing that goes wrong in the world, can't crap fathers, at least, be men's fault?

Original poster
Dylaninthemovies1 · 16/06/2020 19:15

@fuckinghellthisshit. You’re the woman, so it’s your fault he’s a crap dad. You must be doing something wrong.

Well... no... as an adult he’s got to fix it. Not you

OP posts:
LightenUpSummer · 16/06/2020 19:18

My xh couldn't handle the stresses and challenges of being a dad, though neither of us knew it in advance. He was always sensitive and introverted, but the extra pressure tipped him over the edge and he, being the man, was "allowed" to walk away. No judgement from society as far as I can tell, lost no friends.

I suspect I'm just as sensitive as him (we both had very abusive childhoods) but I've got no choice other then to be the resident parent.

DanniArthur · 16/06/2020 19:18

I know what you mean. Nearly all of my friends have ended up single parents as their ex partners ended up dead beats and left their children. It's heartbreaking and used to worry me. Luckily my DP seems very different to any of them, he does more than his share of housework and is very family orientated. I think it may be because he was in foster care from an early age so is very self sufficient, treats our DD like a princess and spends lots of time with her. When we talk about other guys behaviour he is disgusted and comments on them bot apprecting what they have. Hopefully he never changes!

KaronAVyrus · 16/06/2020 19:21

It’s not a popular opinion but there is a lot of truth in it
I’ve seen men walk out on their families and then fanny about changing days, forgetting birthdays and paying a pittance in maintenance. If they get another girlfriend they will either totally drop the kids or play Disney dad so the girlfriend thinks he’s Mr Wonderful.
(And before anyone starts it’s not all men but I’ve seen it enough for it to be a definite pattern of behaviour)

LightenUpSummer · 16/06/2020 19:21

Maybe it's more that some people can't handle family life, but one sex is "allowed" to leave in a way that the other isn't.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2020 19:22

He can't play with them / watch films they're into Would his penis fall off?

Why can’t he watch age appropriate films his children would enjoy? Why can’t he join them in their interests and play with them? Why doesn’t he want a meaningful relationship with his children?

I say he acts like a teenager. But you leave him to it? If you have sons do you want them thinking this is okay? If you have daughters do you want them to put up with similarly disengaged partners?

OP, a lot of women don’t find family life easy. Most of them don’t get to duck out of it when it gets boring, repetitive or tiring. It’s a choice to be a shit uncaring parent. No can’t about it. And it never goes down well on here to say it and yes some people have personality transplants, but all too often shit uncaring partners or husbands make shit uncaring fathers. “I thought he’d change when the baby arrived” is sadly a common story. They don’t. You put up with him being selfish, unfaithful, rude, crap with money, irresponsible with work, still attached to his mother’s apron strings, lazy with hygiene or housework, addicted to drugs, alcohol, gaming, why would he change when there’s a baby in the picture?

KaronAVyrus · 16/06/2020 19:24

Tbh I’ve seen amazing boyfriends/husbands with no red flags turn into absolute shit dads. It’s pretty common behaviour.

Dingdongthewitchisbread · 16/06/2020 19:25

This was my opinion of men before I met my now husband. He, his family, friends and all his acquaintances are genuine family men and have completely changed my opinion on men for the better.

Lottapianos · 16/06/2020 19:27

'It’s not that they can’t handle it, they have a sense of entitlement and think every thing should be made easy for them'

Absolutely spot on. They could do it if they were bothered to learn, but too many men see housework and childcare as women's stuff. Not even work, just what women are for, and something that's beneath them. So they get involved in parenting and housework on their own terms, and sometimes that's not at all

Gammeldragz · 16/06/2020 19:28

It does seem to be a common theme. My father had two children with his first partner, stuck around kind of until they were toddlers then went off. Met my mum and got her pregnant at 23 (she thought she couldn't have children, not sure why) and buggered off when I was a baby. I saw him once every few years. We aren't close now either, I don't have much respect for him.

My DH and I got together under very precarious and unsuitable circumstances and no one could have expected us to still be together and even married, 15 years later. He's not an amazing Dad by any means and really struggled when I worked full time and he had to do the bulk of the childcare, his mental health isn't great and he finds children hard to deal with. But he's still here!

But men in general do seem to find parenting and family life harder then women. There are exceptions obviously, and many women probably feel the strain just sut as much but aren't 'allowed' to show it.

My aunt walked out and left my uncle with 3 DCs (one with autism) when they were all primary age...