To think some men just can’t handle family life

[Dylaninthemovies1]

Over the past few years I’ve noticed quite a few friends and aquaintainces with young children split up with their husband/partner.

In nearly all scenarios the woman is literally left holding the baby. The man will only see the child(ren) when it suits them (once a week), keep changing the day they take the child, expect the mother to do all the parenting, avoid paying maintenance and try their best to make the mother’s life difficult.

I’ve noticed all the men seemed to have been very crap at being a dad even when they were with the mum; she’s left doing most of the childcare and housework even when working outside of the home too.

Am not saying all men are the same. But it just seems that so many men can’t handle family life

[QuestionMarkNow]

I voted YABU because its not that they are not cut out to be fathers or a family man (did you ever hear that a woamn is a family woman btw? Nope, of course not)
It's because they can't be bothered/see that role as above them/is asking them to stop being self centered. It's not because they are not cut to it.

Stop giving those men so much slack.

[Chartsandgraphs]

I think men need better socialisation to being fathers and to think about what it really means and women need to ask far more probing questions and look hard at the man in front of them.

[Happiedays]

I think some of these responses are a little bit harsh and I think every situation is different. It's not a case of all dad's being bad. I do know some situations where the mother has actually disappeared off when the child is a toddler to pursue there dreams, leaving the dad holding the baby. I think every situation is different and sometimes you do get dad's that are really rubbish and have no interest/ didn't want a baby, but on the flip side you also get mums who are all in but just can't stick it out for a variety of different reasons.

Also, before I had children I think I used to be quote judgemental with you had to do xyz but since having them, me and my husband have made every decision together. I really struggled to breastfeed and eventually me and my husband came to the conclusion we would put an evening bottle in as he wanted to go to formula but I wasn't ready to give up. The amount of people who told me that I really shouldn't be listening to him as I was the babies mother etc and it was completely down to me was astonishing. There has been so many situations since where people have told me he really doesn't have any right to have a choice. So maybe some men just aren't given the chance to face the same challenges mums do and so it's easier to walk away?

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

@Candyfloss99

This isn't going to be popular, but as part of my professional role I often find myself in children's panel hearings etc. I'm invariably working in a capacity with one or other of the parents, and I've lost count of the number of times that the mother has been every bit as useless, feckless, and alarming as the father, but ends up with majority custody of the children even when the father has expressed a desire to be more involved.

It seems to still be the default position that the children are better off with the mother even if both parents are utter deadbeats, and yes, there are some women who are totally useless parents but still end up in the position where they can imply it's the father who is the problem, simply because they've been given the majority of the custody by default.

[emmcan]

Facebook Dads.

''I love my kids they are my world''

Why do you only see them once a week then, you fucking cunt?

[Dylaninthemovies1]

If I’m honest, sometimes I find being s parent really hard and would like a few hours / days to myself. I adore my son, but find parenting hard sometimes: particularly when DS was tiny as it can be relentless.

One thing that may have helped us is that DH and I took shared parental leave, and I was ill when DS was a baby, so DH had to look after him on his own for a while when I spent a month in hospital (they visited me every day)

[slipperywhensparticus]

[quote XDownwiththissortofthingX]@Candyfloss99

This isn't going to be popular, but as part of my professional role I often find myself in children's panel hearings etc. I'm invariably working in a capacity with one or other of the parents, and I've lost count of the number of times that the mother has been every bit as useless, feckless, and alarming as the father, but ends up with majority custody of the children even when the father has expressed a desire to be more involved.

It seems to still be the default position that the children are better off with the mother even if both parents are utter deadbeats, and yes, there are some women who are totally useless parents but still end up in the position where they can imply it's the father who is the problem, simply because they've been given the majority of the custody by default.[/quote]
that is no longer the case and if you really worked in those hearings you would know that

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

that is no longer the case and if you really worked in those hearings you would know that

Err ok...

I can assure you I do work in those hearings, and it very much is still the case.

Perhaps not where you are.

[QuestionMarkNow]

[quote XDownwiththissortofthingX]@Candyfloss99

This isn't going to be popular, but as part of my professional role I often find myself in children's panel hearings etc. I'm invariably working in a capacity with one or other of the parents, and I've lost count of the number of times that the mother has been every bit as useless, feckless, and alarming as the father, but ends up with majority custody of the children even when the father has expressed a desire to be more involved.

It seems to still be the default position that the children are better off with the mother even if both parents are utter deadbeats, and yes, there are some women who are totally useless parents but still end up in the position where they can imply it's the father who is the problem, simply because they've been given the majority of the custody by default.[/quote]
Well we are not talking aiut women who are not cut out to be mothers there.
because yes, some people, regardless of the sex, will be shit parents for a variety of reasons. And regardless of the sex, some parents will be abusive, negligent etc...

What the OP is talking about here is a much more general assumption that men who are actually properly decent fathers (not part time fathers, the ones who babysit or think they deserve a medal for looking after their dcs for a day) are unusual. And that's when so many of those men don't cut it, its somehow 'in their genes' because they are not cut to be dad. they are not abusive or negligent. they just can't be bothered.

[Doodar]

About 35% of fathers have no contact with their kids within 2 years of splitting from the kids mother. I’ve seen many a scenario at school pick ups, it’s the dads turn for contact and they look so disinterested, go through the motions then no sign of them a few months later. Inevitably having a baby with the new woman within 18 months. And so the cycle continues.

[XDownwiththissortofthingX]

@QuestionMarkNow

What the OP is talking about here is a much more general assumption that men who are actually properly decent fathers (not part time fathers, the ones who babysit or think they deserve a medal for looking after their dcs for a day) are unusual. And that's when so many of those men don't cut it, its somehow 'in their genes' because they are not cut to be dad. they are not abusive or negligent. they just can't be bothered.

Oh absolutely, I was simply replying to @Candyfloss99's assertion that being indifferent towards your own children isn't unique to fathers. I've seen it myself.

[IfNotNowThenWhen2]

Women who give birth directly are prepared for this thanks to all the hormones their bodies create, in a desperate attempt to turn them into protective caregivers. It's basic biology. And by physically hosting a baby for nine months, it's a lot harder to stick their fingers in their ears and pretend nothing is happening - they're forced to confront the reality of their worlds changing early on, and have many months to process that and accept it. They can feel it. They can see it.

No, I don't actually think it's biology. I think biology is an excuse because someone has to be the grown up and if the man steps down he knows the woman will step up.
Unusually I know of 3 lone dad situations. One was left holding the baby from around 1 year, the other 2 the kids were a bit older.
In all cases the men did what women do the world over- they managed.
Food was cooked, shoes were bought, stories were read, dentist appointments were made, parents evening happened.
The actual reason is that, a lot of the time, family life is hard (especially now when we are expected to be perfect parents putting our children first no matter what and forget ever having an uninterrupted conversation..)
Men are "allowed" to walk away. So they do.
Also, given the fact that a lot of men have a spectacular sense of entitlement, all the attention bring on someone other than them is just not acceptable.
It's only as I have passed 40 that I really understand the impact of one sex consistently being told by society that they are more important than the other.

[EllieQ]

I wonder how much of it is picked up through what their parents did, and they still subconsciously expect to have that kind of experience as a father even though things are different and men expected to be more of a hands-on parent. Then they can’t handle it when they have to do more.

My husband is an involved, hands-on parent (including taking shared parental leave when my maternity leave finished), but I’ve realised he’s struggled with the demands of parenting more than I have. My theory is that I grew up absorbing what my mum did (four children, traditional marriage where my dad worked while she was at home), and always knew that having children was hard work and you rarely got a break.

My FIL was a more involved father than usual at the time (1980s), but I suspect he did more fun stuff while MIL did all the background work/the ‘mental load’. So DH perhaps feels parenting should be more fun and struggles when it’s not, while I accept that parenting is hard work, and enjoy the times it’s not so difficult.

[IfNotNowThenWhen2]

Oh, and THIS
I think many of these men think they are doing a good job. They don’t care if their wife is on her knees with exhaustion, that’s her problem, they are astonished at the idea that they could be expected to do more. And it’s not that they couldn’t do it - they just won’t. It’s unthinkable to them.

[IfNotNowThenWhen2]

I do think that a lot of women allow their partners to get away with a lot prior to having children.
Sorry , what??
Imagine this sentence:
I do think that a lot of men allow their partners to get away with a lot prior to having children.
Then see how insane what you wrote is.

[RubyFakeLips]

When I was younger, the older women in my family used to use a sort of phrase that in a fire a man would save his wife a whereas a woman would save her children (this was in a different language and I'm trying to think how best to explain this).

I have noticed that in many couples the man seems to either lose interest in the woman or feel he is usurped by the children and as a result loses interest in the woman. Once he is onto a new woman, he has no time for the children.

This is not the same with women, I think once we have children they are our ultimate priority,

Now, obviously some men live and die for their children but I do think the parental dynamic is different and I don't really know why! It is most likely because the system is set up to mean that women are the primary caregivers and default parents and so men aren't expected to be great parents, its just a nice bonus if they are. They're consequently never held accountable by society or themselves.

[Missillusioned]

I was married for 4 years before having my first. Ex was the one who wanted children. He was very good with cooking, housework etc.
All changed when the baby was born. He was totally uninterested and within a year had taken a job with lots of travel. I couldn't have seen that coming.
He is better now the children are teens, but he was dreadful and usually absent when they were tiny.

[burdog]

I think it's more that some men just can't be bothered with the baby/child bit and it shows. They're interested when the child is older (i.e. a teenager or an adult) and can do what they're interested in.

[MrsToadofToadHall]

Men need to police other men over this. The best fathers I know, DH and my own included, have fathers themselves who would go through them like a sack of shit if they skipped out on their responsibilities as fathers and as adult men. They'd be utterly ashamed of their sons and they'd let them know it. Constantly.

They're in the minority though, and I suppose are seen as old fashioned, given the amount of men who simply overlook another man's transgressions and buy him a pint because "mates yeah"

I often see a certain type of knuckle dragging troglodyte making comments about how modern women are shit and they want the old kitchen appliances kind back.

Maybe we should play them at their own game and demand the old fashioned type of man back too, you know, the ones who marry you without going "ooh babe it's just a piece of paper", who see it as their duty to contribute yo to the family and society, are happy for their wife to bring in no wage if staying home with the kids is what she wants, who work 16 hour days, and who spend their weekends doing useful DIY instead of playing fucking video games

I'm joking of course. I think.

[bringincrazyback]

@AgeLikeWine

You don’t know the full story of these relationships. It is entirely possible that these men should never have become fathers, didn’t really want to become fathers and reluctantly agreed because the women they loved were desperate to be mothers.

Men don’t, as a rule, get broody and any woman who doesn’t understand this doesn’t know many men.

This.

[IfNotNowThenWhen2]

No, I agree with you Mrs Toad that was my lovely grandpa. Sadly my dad didn't learn from him!

[MrsGrindah]

Worst ever case I know of this was a mare of my ex h. He announced that they were starting IVF as they were desperate for a child. It worked first time and he was over the moon. After his child was born he kept telling us what we were missing out on, how fatherhood was best thing ever. Less than a year later he left his wife for a woman he worked with . Then he told my ex how fantastic it was having sex with a tight fanny again. He begrudged every penny of child support and lied about his income. Vile man

[MrsGrindah]

Mate not mare

[Catastrofuck]

Nope, don’t buy it. Men are sold a story by society that fatherhood is part of being “successful”. Most want children, to be seen as fathers, to be able to say that they are fathers m. What many don’t want is to actually take care of small humans and put in the work day in, day out, that raises them to adulthood.

[Catastrofuck]

I don’t buy that men are reluctantly agreeing to be one fathers, that is