To think some men just can’t handle family life

[Dylaninthemovies1]

Over the past few years I’ve noticed quite a few friends and aquaintainces with young children split up with their husband/partner.

In nearly all scenarios the woman is literally left holding the baby. The man will only see the child(ren) when it suits them (once a week), keep changing the day they take the child, expect the mother to do all the parenting, avoid paying maintenance and try their best to make the mother’s life difficult.

I’ve noticed all the men seemed to have been very crap at being a dad even when they were with the mum; she’s left doing most of the childcare and housework even when working outside of the home too.

Am not saying all men are the same. But it just seems that so many men can’t handle family life

By tight fanny he meant a woman who hadn’t given birth.

My ex is an ex partly because of the twats he associated with.

I honestly think that a lot of men are not bothered whether they have children or not but maybe their partner/wife wants them or they think it is "the done thing". Then when they have them they realise they were happier before them came along.

Of course quite a few women regret having children but, on the whole, they accept that they have them and do their best to be a good mum.

I also think, as another poster, said many couples have children when they haven't known each other very long. They are still getting to know each other properly and everything changes.

*most men can’t handle family life

In a lot of cases, yes.

However, DN's dad is the same as he went into the relationship as he came out, he hadn't changed a bit but on the same page you have DN's mum is the same and both still seem quite selfish but somehow he was the worst. DN's mum will always moan about her ex yet requests to swaps her days when she wants and gets upset if he refuses. If one day he asks to miss a week as he has something he needs to do, it's like he is the worst person on earth. Both of them have lots of support but I'd say from what we are told by DN's mum herself, it seems opposite to what people in society believe. It will always look like the men are the worst when children are living with their mother but from the outside just looking in, do we really get an accurate picture of how much mum's swap and change to their needs too? Or do we go by their accounts of it?

I say that as someone who had a mum who wasn't like that at all and was really flexible if needed, never asking for much, along with a birth father who couldn't get over himself enough to do things to help or even visit for a large chunk of my life. Due to that, I sometimes see how unfair women can be too especially because I'm predisposed to thinking men are like it.

My DH parents to the best of his abilities, not perfect by any means, but I know he'd move heaven and earth if we split to ensure he saw his child.

Partly due ro role models what they learnt form their dads

In certain circumstances (and it isn't all men by any means) it isn't so much can't as won't - they simply don't want to know; and expect someone else to do all the child-rearing and domestic drudgery for them.

I'm no expert on psychoanalysis, but my husband continually tells me that I basically married my own Dad.

And thank fuck for that. He wasn't perfect, but he made so much effort to be involved with my immature interests, to share his own with me, and he would do anything to help anyone, let alone his beloved daughters.

(wish my husband were as practical - my dad can do literally anything about the house whereas my husband appeals for help at the earliest opportunity...)

I definitely couldn't handle family life, I'm not responsible enough.

That's why I've chosen not to have one.

@theendoftheworldasweknowit "Men don't have any of that hormonal trickery"

Research since 2010 suggests that men's oxytocin levels are similar to women's following the birth of their child.
www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/02/170217095925.htm

Debrah Lewis of Trinidad did some interesting research which suggests that if men are present at the birth of their child, they're more likely to stick around in the child's life. (Not sure if that's 'hands on' stick around or not!)

In my experience (and my ex was one of these) there are a lot of men who simply can't cope with not being the most important person in the room when a baby arrives.

This ^^. My SIL, who's a v. sensible person, told me that the main reason she decided not to have children with her DH (even though they'd discussed it before marriage and he was keen) was that she realised that she'd have to do all the work - he's a nice enough bloke, but he always puts his own needs first.

Luckily, my SIL wasn't especially desperate to have children so she decided it would be best not to.

My DH is very different, thank goodness, we'd never have lasted if he was that self-absorbed!

My H doesn't seem to realise that his life has changed - he still puts himself first over the DC, even 10 years on. He seems to resent them being around and is always snapping at them , doesn't want to spend time with them and the default parenting falls to me. This is the polar opposite of his own dad, who was amazing with H and SIL and the polar opposite of my DBro, so how have I ended up with him??

I can't see things getting much better unfortunately. The more men who abandon their families (dramatic word, but that's how it felt to me), the more normalised it is becoming. And as hard as I try to bring up my ds's to have a sense of hard work and commitment, their main male role model plus both grandfathers just walked away without even paying any maintenance.

I think we allow them to be useless, so they just get away with it. No one comes after them for child maintenance payments for example.

Unfortunately for all these kids I'd agree with you, from my own experience and that of the majority of my friends and family. I have three sons and am doing all I can to raise some better men....it's not easy though!

It's their own fault.

I agree that red flags mean nothing. My ex showed no red flags whatsoever and was the doting husband during pregnancy. However when the reality of parenthoood happened (ie; the kid actually needed caring for before him) he lost interest. He had one weekend off in three and decided to join the TA on that one weekend. To this day he still believes I must have had an affair which is why I left him, and not because he was a total wanker. I left when she was 6 months old as I figured that I might as well be a single mother with enough money to pay the bills rather than a single mother in all but name, and no sodding money as he started keeping all his wages and stopped paying bills. "What about maintenance?" I hear you cry? When I stop laughing, I'll tell you about that....

My STBXH however, despite enough red flags to create bunting for the whole of London (I was in a bad way when we got together) has been a devoted father to our DD and sees her regularly and never pisses me about with money. So great husband doesnt always equal shit father, and shit husband doesnt always mean shit father (although I concede that it is far more likely).

Far too many people just produce kids without a thought. Gormlessly have a few kids without thinking of the kids futures, finances, childcare, drudgery, or the basic fact that they’re probably not fit to parent. ‘It’s what you do’
I think a lot of men who say they want a kid think of it in basic, abstract terms like ‘I can teach it to play football’ rather than the day to day grinding, exhausting tedium. Which is fucking stupid.
And too many women choose to tolerate shit behaviour choices from specimens who ‘lose their rags’/can’t feed the kids/won’t ‘help’ with the kids/won’t function as an adult, and have another kid with the dickheads, then act shocked that their loves are even worse. I mean, my sympathy runs thin. No one needs to accept shit treatment just for the sake of having a regular shag, since shit men clearly bring nothing else to the table -oh, except another generation of damaged offspring.

*lives

I have to admit I dont understand the multiple children thing.

If a man is a shit father to one child, why would be magically transform into father of the year with three?!

I wouldnt have had another child with my first husband for a lottery win! Well ok, I would have done for a few million but I would have buggered off straight after :o

He will say "yes" to another child because the first has had no impact on his life, and he will be safe in his assumption that the second and subsequents wont either.

I dont blame women for having a baby with a man who turns from doting husband to deadbeat dad, I did it myself! But I do blame them for doing it more than once.

Sorry, I mean doing it more than once with the same man who they know is useless selfish and shit obvs

Many reasons. Having a child can put pressure on any relationship but especially one that isn’t particularly strong. A lot of men are ambivalent regarding kids in the first place , which should be a red flag to any woman. Women can obsess over kids. Men feel taken for granted. Relationships lose connection and resentment builds. Ultimately both parties need to be on board with kids and too frequently that’s not always the case.

I think the having 2nd or 3rd kids with the same loser is often because the woman doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like. If you've never seen one close up how would you know? If all the women around you are being treated the same way, plus your self esteem is damaged from having an absent/rubbish dad? I judge people who judge them.

You are so right OP. I am one of those as you describe. Literally left holding the baby after a long marriage where he "desperately" wanted to be a father, interfered with contraception, had sex with me in my sleep so on and so forth. I was 42 when I had DS and he decided it wasn't for him after all and fucked off with OW. OW has broken the relationship between DS and his useless, weak, feckless father entirely and it's all down to me now! Another maintenance avoiding, selfish, self absorbed prick. Sorry, am a bit cross tonight having only just got now 9 yo ASD DS in to bed after an afternoon of chemo for me. Grrrrrr.

@TheFormidableMrsC. He is an absolutely useless cunt. No bloody wonder you’re annoyed.

My H doesn't seem to realise that his life has changed - he still puts himself first over the DC That is really shit for you. Could you survive financially without him the DC will be aware.
My partner of 14 years is good with the DC but by no means perfect. I often have to push him to be more involved once pushed he makes a conscious effort to change.