To think some men just can’t handle family life

[Dylaninthemovies1]

Over the past few years I’ve noticed quite a few friends and aquaintainces with young children split up with their husband/partner.

In nearly all scenarios the woman is literally left holding the baby. The man will only see the child(ren) when it suits them (once a week), keep changing the day they take the child, expect the mother to do all the parenting, avoid paying maintenance and try their best to make the mother’s life difficult.

I’ve noticed all the men seemed to have been very crap at being a dad even when they were with the mum; she’s left doing most of the childcare and housework even when working outside of the home too.

Am not saying all men are the same. But it just seems that so many men can’t handle family life

Lots of woman blaming on this thread.
Previously seeming perfect / lovely men with no red flags, do change.
Also very good point @HappyMealWithLegs. I'd explain but it's too outing.

It's true of many of the men I know, including the ones I wouldn't necessarily describe as bad or deficient people.

There are too many distractions in the modern world by comparison to the previous generations whereby work, marriage, children was pretty much the only source of joy in most working men's lives.

Nowadays you have far more disposable income, sources of entertainment beyond the pub and football on a Saturday, freedom to travel, holiday entitlement, no sense of shame in ending relationships etc.

I don't believe the prospect of a life-long relationship with children carries anything like the attraction it used to, I don't think it can possibly be as fulfilling when there are so many alternative ways to spend your time, and I think that for men it must descend into a perception of drudgery far more quickly and easily than it perhaps once did.

It's an excuse and a poor one at that. I know plenty of men (yes, plenty) who decided after 2 or even 3 children that it was all a bit tiring and inconvenient and they'd like to shag their best mate's woman but she's the wife's best mate and bloody commitment and , oh man, it's a PITA.....

Blah blah blah

Self-indulgent twaddle from small brained, selfish male mammals.

Don't start making more excuses for them.

I think men dont really expect to do much and people often dont truly understand what pregnancy and parenting entails before they go through it. DH (and family) sold me a story of how his ex had shut him out of his son's life when she cheated - there may be some truth here but I doubt DH is quite as innocent in hindsight. In fact DH was so conniving he was star pupil in our antenatal group, even co-facilitating a session for the dads. When DD arrived he was awful. He still refuses to do nights and early mornings but the worst was the first 6 months when he became borderline abusive in his aggression and avoidance. I didnt have MN then and everyone in my life was telling me it was totally normal for men to be like that. As I fell apart in a pit of PND, PNA and PTSD, I had to keep going. Feeds every 45mins, walking to the special care unit from the ward post c section, emotionally supporting everyone else because apparently my traumatic birth was much worse for them than for me, administering meds to baby etc etc. Whilst I was lost and forgotten, everyone was running after DH and how difficult it must be for him- all that driving, going back to work. The entitlement was ridiculous and there were several more new dads in the nct group like this to a lesser degree. Blaming women for choosing the wrong partner is quite naive, as if they come with a signpost on their forehead. I missed the signs because I didnt know what to look for and because DH fooled everyone including himself. In reality I expect his relationship with DSS's mum failed because he did the same to her but I had no way of knowing that.

I find it amazing how many men are able to walk away from their children, and no-one seems to really question it.

If a woman did it, I'm guessing there would be more questions.

I have so many friends and acquaintances who have been left 'holding the baby' while their twat of a man goes off to "find himself' (shag about)

And why do they end up having the kids every other weekend? Why isn't it every other week? No need for maintenance issues then?

And when they do 'have them', they're more likely to drop them at their Mums so they can go cycling/play golf insert wanky hobby of choice.
Sick of seeing it.

mine is only interested when he is single currently he is going through some stresses in his relationship so suddenly he wants to call the kids see them he hasn't actually bothered throughout lock-down he finally asked to see them two weeks ago we had to lock down due to symptoms three weeks before the rest of the country he has ignored them the entire time now he is hinting that his relationship is on the rocks he wants calls and contact and love you and miss you tears our youngest has the measure of him saw him once and has noped the rest of the time our eldest tries because he worries about his dad not me because i "take care of everything" so i will be fine

Do you think the system contributes to the problem? I had my DS in Sweden and here the system is designed to foster a good bond between father and baby. My husband had 6 weeks with him when he was born, then went back to work 3 days a week for 6 months and then 4 days for another 6 months. All at full pay. He saw the days 'off' as being paid to look after his son and was primary carer on those days.

In my experience (and my ex was one of these) there are a lot of men who simply can't cope with not being the most important person in the room when a baby arrives. As long as the attention is on them, which is easily done when you're a couple with no family responsibilities, they're fine. But as soon as life is hampered in any way - we can't go out drinking tonight, or to the cinema at short notice, or a long holiday etc etc...they don't like it, quite often retreating from family life through either work, or hobbies, or by fucking someone else. I've seen this happen in a few relationships of close friends as well as my own.

I would like to know why it isn’t some sort of crime when dads let down their children at the last minute? Often with no warning or some bullshit excuse.

(And no, I’m not some bitter ex-wife - I have an amazing DH and my dad is lovely).
I’ve seen my friends left to mop up tears because the father of their child acts like a 12 yr old. Being a dead beat dad should be socially unacceptable.

My belief is that most of these men gave off plenty of red flags before the children were even born, and their partners chose to ignore them, believing he would magically grow up and change once a baby arrived. Of course, they rarely ever do.

Sure, its all the woman's fault isn't it, as everything else is. Some men do, plenty of men who are thoughtful, do their share around the house, respect their partners, are thoughtful, support their career and are great partners in general turn into useless wastes of space once children enter the equation.

my dsis ex was like this-played the act of doting dad but couldnt be bothered half the time-went away for work came home and wanted me time as he put it-twat

now doesnt see his son because hes a control freak and only wanted to see him on his terms

The thing is, whether you see it as positive or not, there's no denying children change your life. They have a huge impact.

Women who give birth directly are prepared for this thanks to all the hormones their bodies create, in a desperate attempt to turn them into protective caregivers. It's basic biology. And by physically hosting a baby for nine months, it's a lot harder to stick their fingers in their ears and pretend nothing is happening - they're forced to confront the reality of their worlds changing early on, and have many months to process that and accept it. They can feel it. They can see it.

Men don't have any of that hormonal trickery, and they can far more easily ignore a pregnancy (out of sight, out of mind - it's not their bodies changing).

If a pregnancy is unwanted, a woman can end it, but a man can't. Someone who strongly doesn't want a baby is unlikely to suddenly develop parental instincts nine months later.

I'm by no means excusing shit fathers, but I think the above explains why it's easier for men to walk away. They don't make the decisions in unplanned pregnancies and because they don't physically carry the babies themselves, they don't have the same automatic emotional connection. From a societal POV too, there's a lot less stigma attached to a man walking away than there is a woman, and in general, women are more likely to worry what people think of them.

Biology really screws us over sometimes.

@Aquamarine1029

My belief is that most of these men gave off plenty of red flags before the children were even born, and their partners chose to ignore them, believing he would magically grow up and change once a baby arrived. Of course, they rarely ever do.

I think carping about red flags is just another excuse to blame women for the action of men.

Of all the single parents I know I'd say only two should have seen it coming, one of them being my exes now ex-wife.

People often said to me I "must" have seen something coming when my ex walked out on us when our girls were 6 months old.

How was I supposed to see a man who suggested IVF when we struggled to conceive, who worked overtime and raided savings to pay for it and who changed his job pre-conception so that I could take a school based job that I loved (but would also be ideal with school age children) without us losing joint income would get 6 months into fatherhood and decide it was "tedious, boring and not me"?

He was then facilitated by his friends, most of his family and the CSA to faff around with maintenance by spinning the tale of me getting my hair done, getting my nails done etc.

It was completely socially acceptable for him to walk away. He treated me, and our girls, like absolute shit, but he didn't lose one friend. I lost three for "setting the CSA on him".

The only time he was ever interested was when he had a girlfriend who wanted him to be a good Dad. Then our kids became a pawn in his life.

The woman who became his wife then joined in his complaining about CSA. She actively encouraged him to cut out the girls so they could have "family" time when their first child was born. She sent me a text to say the girls couldn't go to their half-brother's christening as they had family staying over so there was no space for visitors. That said it all.

Yes she's now gobsmacked that he's walked out on her and she's having to fight him for maintenance. She should have seen the red flags, but she's vastly in the minority imo. Most people have no chance of seeing it coming.

Most of my male friends are still with their partners/wives after many years (20 plus) and have been involved with their kids lives. However, I know that all of them would have been just as happy if they hadn’t had any kids and did so just to please their partners and meet their needs. I don’t know any men who were gagging for kids and don’t know any who won’t escape when they can. Gym, cycling, sport, pub. Whatever,

Most of the kids are now 18/21 and the talk is of when they will leave home !

I always think it is bizarre that men tend to have an office or gaming room or a particular room so that they can 'get away from it all'. Women tend not have that, they having the communal areas and their shared bedroom.

Aquamarine1029 I agree. Too many children with too little thought. Men and women both.
Most of the men I know are good fathers who would lay down their own lives for their children.

I think that ALL men possess the ability to be 'family men', but that some simply choose not to be, as is their right. But I think the same is true for women and we are seeing an increasing number of women who are choosing not to become mothers or accept the traditional 'wife' role. For either sex it's a choice, not an 'inability' which to me implies that one couldn't even if one wanted to.

The problem comes when society or their partner tries to force them into a role they don't want and they either don't have the courage to stand up for what they want or the personal responsibility to NOT find themselves in that position. Don't want to be faithful or really share your life? Don't marry/cohabit. Don't want children? Wrap it or snip it.

I think the difference is that more women 'struggle along' and try to keep up their end of 'the bargain' if they realize they made the wrong decision about family life, whereas more men either just walk away or are content to let the other parent carry the load.

It's sad for all involved.

@Regularsizedrudy

It’s not that they can’t handle it, they have a sense of entitlement and think every thing should be made easy for them

This!

My partner (of 9 years) just isn’t cut out for any of the hard work. He’s a brilliant man - thoughtful, always puts others first (sometimes to his detriment) but he just can’t handle our DD3 or DD1. He loses his rag easily. Can’t entertain them without a TV on. Would feed them toast for every meal. Last week I asked him to take them both out so I could just had an hour to myself. He complained saying he just can’t relax when he’s alone with the both of them. Urrrmmm it’s not meant to be relaxing?!

I think they could handle it but those men prioritise their needs firstly. Between my Dsis's and friends plus threads men are constantly trying to take the easy option it boils down to they can't be arsed whereas most DM'S first priority is her DC before herself.

I agree with a pp that many women marry absolute no-hopers then seem surprised that they’re not good men.

Society doesn’t ask much of men in order to let them think they are a “good dad”

For a lot of men, raising children is simultaneously too difficult for them, yet also a piece of piss (so what are women complaining about eh?)

The “men just aren’t broody” thing isn’t true - it’s more that many men have been sold the idea by society that they should be provided with a woman and children as a marker of success/manhood/whatever as is their due, but they haven’t had to consider that those women and children are real humans rather than appendages, and they can’t handle them not fitting the mould that makes them look like the man they want to be seen as. So many many men do want children, they’ve just never expected to have to actually do the work that raises them to adulthood, day in day out

And of course it’s not obvious in advance in many cases. That’s just a story that some women tell themselves to make them feel superior to other women

I also agree that it’s not easy or natural for many women either, but they don’t have a get-out clause like men seem to

'Some' men don't want kids, but will create them for their 'broody' partner in exchange for sex and dinners. They have no intention of looking after them once the sex and dinners stop. Leaving them free to wander off to find more sex and dinners, possibly creating more humans as a trade off.

Last week I asked him to take them both out so I could just had an hour to myself. He complained saying he just can’t relax when he’s alone with the both of them
What if you decided you felt the same.
Honestly the ones who are still in a relationship need a kick in the arse.
Unless it is an abusive relationship then the woman holds some responsibility for allowing him act like a lazy twat.
I'm probably a bitch at times to DP with my equal rights but I couldn't put up with it.

I have a couple of friends who had useless, selfish boyfriends and went on to marry them and guess what - they're useless dads.