To think some men just can’t handle family life

[Dylaninthemovies1]

Over the past few years I’ve noticed quite a few friends and aquaintainces with young children split up with their husband/partner.

In nearly all scenarios the woman is literally left holding the baby. The man will only see the child(ren) when it suits them (once a week), keep changing the day they take the child, expect the mother to do all the parenting, avoid paying maintenance and try their best to make the mother’s life difficult.

I’ve noticed all the men seemed to have been very crap at being a dad even when they were with the mum; she’s left doing most of the childcare and housework even when working outside of the home too.

Am not saying all men are the same. But it just seems that so many men can’t handle family life

[lilgreen]

My DH of 23 years has always been right there with me as a parent to our 2 DC now older teens. He has 2 brothers and they’re exactly the same. I guess I got lucky.

[Devlesko]

I think there are red flags all over the place with these men, but sometimes couples rush in without any of the old courtship mentality when you actually knew the person you were going to have children with.
We lived together for four years before even thinking about children, the first one wasn't planned.
i'm not saying we knew everything about each other, but pretty damn close.
If he spends the nights he's not with you gaming and slouching in his pj's this is what he'll be like.
Look at how he was raised, did mummy and daddy do everything for him, or is he independant and capable.

[PollyPelargonium52]

I have been a single parent for 15 years and have observed very few men pay full maintenance. I can count them on one hand. My dd's father can only parent at a distance. He pays v little maintenance but he does always pay. However I suspect he rarely paid his main ex although I have never asked him. I think it is fair to say many men cannot hack domestic responsibilities.

[CherrySpritz]

I was wondering this recently. I know people post on here because they have problems but so many women seem to be stuck with lousy husbands/partners. It got me thinking. I wonder how many men would have children if they were given a free choice? Is it the women who mainly want children and the men just go along with it?

[sussexmum]

i guess its the product of 1000's years of history on their/our shoulders and a system which enables and perpetuates this. I agree the Swedish system of parentalmentioned before sounds much better. does anyone think women sometimes unconsciously buy in to this too though? I might be guilty here, our set-up is quite 1950s in some ways.

[StCharlotte]

@Aquamarine1029

My belief is that most of these men gave off plenty of red flags before the children were even born, and their partners chose to ignore them, believing he would magically grow up and change once a baby arrived. Of course, they rarely ever do.

You may be right but the human race would have died out millennia ago.

[ATomeOfOnesOwn]

It's not that they can't handle it. It's that they don't want to handle it because they think everything should revolve around them.
I hate to say it but NAMALT . It's lazy, abusive misogynists who don't 'handle' family life. It's nothing to do with their sex and everything to do with their attitude.

[MashedPotatoBrainz]

I wish people would stop blaming the women. You really need to walk a mile in their shoes. I married a fuckwit first time round, yes there were red flags waving all the shop, but I couldn't see them for what they were. I was already messed up when it came to normal. My dad was a violent bully and my judgment was impaired as I just wanted to escape from that. By the time I could see what a mess I was in, it was too late and didn't know how to get myself out of it.

My DD is now a similar age to when I first got married and it's really helped me to see how damaged I was back then. She's strong, she's confident, she knows her own mind and she won't tolerate being treated badly by a man. She uses her stepdad as a benchmark, so it looks like I got it right eventually.

[Catastrofuck]

I think many of these men think they are doing a good job. They don’t care if their wife is on her knees with exhaustion, that’s her problem, they are astonished at the idea that they could be expected to do more. And it’s not that they couldn’t do it - they just won’t. It’s unthinkable to them.

[BackInTime]

It comes down to selfishness and an inability to put the needs of others before their own. Also childcare and housework is still mostly seen as 'wifework'. This has been highlighted during this crisis where the burden of homeschooling, childcare and working has largely fallen on mums.

[Supersimkin2]

The UK has the most dad-less DCs pretty much anywhere.

the British Welfare State, far from enabling women to go it alone, just enables bad dads.

Other countries - eg Scandinavia - twigged this ages ago. If you've half the DNA, you've got 50 per cent custody and half the bills whether you like it or not.

[lyralalala]

Many men are all about show.

If it was socially unacceptable to be a shit Dad, to abandon your kids, to not pay maintenance or to treat your child's mother like shit then far less men would do it.

You can see that by how many suddenly step up for a while when they get a new GF, then ditch the kids as soon as the relationship ends.

If family, friends, girlfriends and colleagues talked under the breath about 'Brian the child support dodger' as they do about 'Sally the slut' or 'Steve the drink driver' they'd do much more, or be more honest about not wanting children.

[Candyfloss99]

I also know some women like this who can't be bothered with their children at all anymore.

[BabyDancer]

Wow. There's a lot of hate and tension on this thread.

While I agree that it's not the woman's fault when a relationship goes to wrong, I do think that a lot of women allow their partners to get away with a lot prior to having children. While it may be manageable for lots of women to pick up more than their fair share of the household chores and responsibilities before having kids, once a child is in the picture the husband is often asked to step up for the first time. I think in general women do need to expect more from men earlier on in a relationship - it would weed out the less responsible men. It's about self love and respect and it will take a long time for society to have equal expectations for both genders. We don't have to adhere to society's expectations though. We can force men to step up before a baby is conceived or send them packing.

[Catastrofuck]

“ It got me thinking. I wonder how many men would have children if they were given a free choice? Is it the women who mainly want children and the men just go along with it?”

Most really really do want the children! They want to be fathers - society tells them strongly that fatherhood is a sign of success. What they don’t want is the shitwork and the day-in-day-out care that comes with raising children, and is one of the ways in which the bond between parent and child is maintained. Many women don’t want to have to do those things either (or certainly not some of them!) but society doesn’t give women a get-out clause that makes this stuff optional

[Ilovecats23]

A close male friend has his children full time, his ex doesn’t pay maintenance, changes the contact day/time at the last minute almost every week and expects him to do all of the parenting. YABU for thinking it’s just men, some people are just crap parents 🤷‍♀️

[Devlesko]

I often wonder what would happen if a woman called his bluff and said, I'm off too, giving a similar reason the man gave.
"Whose calling ss, dear"?

[Shoxfordian]

Men sometimes don't want the sacrifices involved with children. I agree with Aquamarine that there were probably many ignored red flags before these men became fathers

[Ragwort]

What I do find hard to understand is that often a man proves to be a pretty useless Dad (which I accept some women might not have expected) but then the woman goes on to have another one or even more children with them. Why?

[Devlesko]

If it was socially unacceptable to be a shit Dad, to abandon your kids, to not pay maintenance or to treat your child's mother like shit then far less men would do it.

Even fewer would be doing it again Too many are allowed to go on and have more kids. telling the next one a pack of lies about how bad his first wife/partner was.

[MintyMabel]

Some guys are useless twats. Most guys aren’t.

Does this really need an AIBU?

[B9008]

They may subconsciously want children but they certainly don’t want the hard work. I mean who wants to go for yet another “family” day out to the park when you can go to the pub, have a laugh and watch the footie.

[Ragwort]

My DH's father was left with two young children, it was years ago & very unusual, the mother went on to marry someone else & have another family, and very rarely (ie; not even once a year) had any contact with the children from the earlier marriage.

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

Mine was pretty good before we had a child. Then he became selfish as the boundaries had changed. Whereas before he was fine to go off and run marathons every week after marriage and baby he still did this. When we were a couple there was me time -his time and us time. When baby came along -suddenly shock horror that cut into his 'me' time and he left me holding the baby as it cut into his time. He once said to me about splitting up - If we split up, well I can do my hobby most evenings and the weekends so I'd be happy & rather than every other weekend can I just take the kids to the zoo on a Saturday once month? A proper disney dad. The kids cut into his life style. Eldest won't go and I don't blame them. He says to everyone how awful it is that he doesn't get to see them that much etc -we work in a similiar career. He once said to a friend of mine (he didn't know I was friends with him), that he would love to see his DC more but unfortuately his bitter ex wife won't allow it. He has even taken me to court saying I was witholding the children and I ended up in a court with some judges laughing at him -firstly they -not me- gave him a life long restraining order -so he can no longer drive past our house or drop a child back because 'it's a nice day and he wants to go running' etc -evidence I had pages of it -every extra day offered- I had proof he had refused it. I had proof that he ruined a holiday abroad with the eldest as he refused to pick up the younger ones and made the mistake of continually asking when our flights were -he left it so late -we missed our flights. We were due to go to Italy to see relatives. In the end, the relatives flew to their house in the UK and I took ALL the children down to them for a holiday immediately as I realised we would now lose our holiday. I just put them in the car together with suitcases and went -he went hopping mad -where are you? You must be at home -you've missed your flight etc? As he was due to have the youngest for a couple of weeks and my relatives flew back to the UK -to see us -we had a holiday but in the UK. The relatives and texts all backed it up as well as tickets etc -so he got a massive bollocking off the judges and nearly ended up losing his parental rights -he's currently on his last wanring EVER. Yes, he was and is a wanker but my god he played the 'boyfriend and husband role' very well for a year. He really played it well he just couldn't keep it up. My advice -date for 2 years minimum WITHOUT living together and any red flags run. Live together 50/50 for 2 years minimum and only then think of having a child. But run. Run Run -any flags run. His parents were awful to me the first time they met me as I'm not the same religion and I should of realised there and then that given he was in his 30s and spoke to them 4 times a day on the phone -that was just the start of the abuse. He stood up for me to start with but after I had children -he moved across to them and became just the same. They supported him -man needs to be running and working. Woman -running the home, I shouldn't have a career etc. Argh............Hindsight.

[TheWaspsAreEverywhere]

I was with my (stbex)h for a long time, about 21 years. We got married after six or so years (so not rushed), and had our first child two years after that, with our second child arriving 21 months later. I gave up my career so we could move overseas for his. Things started to go wrong, and he withdrew from family/married life. It was like he was a bystander in our lives, kind of on the edges...

We moved back to the UK, at my insistence, and after a year home we separated. He had no interest in me or the kids, and still doesn't. He has them as little as possible and has never paid a penny in child maintenance.

I honestly think that he just doesn't want the responsibility. He sometimes dropped them back on a Monday morning (before there was no school), with a couple of rolls, so I could make their lunch before sending them to school. He could have done that, but he didn't want the bother.