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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is always 'running late'.

241 replies

katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 10:52

FFS. Arranged to go out with my friend today. l've only seen her briefly in the last month, haven't been out together for ages.
Without fail, almost every time we've arranged to go out, l've either had a text saying she's 'running late', 'fell asleep' or something similar. And l can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times she's actually been ready when l've got there. There seems to be no concept of other people's arrangements or time wasted.

Just had a text. "Sorry l fell asleep (? - it's half ten in the morning!) - should (!) be ready for 12.30". Usual time is 12:00, because it takes her that long to get ready. l've been ready to go out of the door for nearly 2 hours.
On one occasion last year, we arranged to go to meet another friend of mine for about an hour (for a specific reason) before she (other friend) went to work. When l arrived at my friends to collect her, she'd only just started putting her makeup on. (Which takes forever. At least an hour). She sat there, painstakingly putting her face on, no hurry, no sense of urgency whatsoever. The result being that by the time she got ready, we didn't leave her house until after the time we'd actually agreed to meet my other friend. Twenty miles away. By the time we were halfway there, my other friend had to leave for work. So l wasted god knows how much time, and forty miles worth of petrol for nothing.

ls it me? Or is it cheeky and bad mannered?
l work. She doesn't. So my days off are precious to me. AIBU to be annoyed, yet again? She's otherwise a good friend.

OP posts:
MaxNormal · 20/01/2020 10:55

Sorry probably irrelevant but an hour to put on makeup? It takes me seconds!

You are totally NBU, shes a selfish inconsiderate cow.

lastqueenofscotland · 20/01/2020 10:56

Only selfish people are always late
Would piss me right off OP

Original poster
katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 11:00

MaxNormal Oh yes. She looks beautiful, her make up is lovely, but as complicated as Bowie back in the Ziggy Stardust days. She does it very slowly and precisely.
l'm furious to be honest, l'm on holiday from work just now, since l started working l haven't been out with her because it just feels like half the day is wasted. l've been sitting around for two hours and now another hour wasted.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 20/01/2020 11:01

Send her a text saying be ready for 12

Stayingstrong24 · 20/01/2020 11:02

Does she have little ones to get ready? (I'm assuming not if she has time to "fall asleep").

HouseworkAvoider10 · 20/01/2020 11:02

You need to secretly add an hour or two on.
You arrange to meet her at 12, then arrive at 1:30, or even 2:00.

Original poster
katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 11:02

lastqueenofscotland Seriously, in the past five years, she's been ready about four or five times when l've got there. She doesn't drive, so l'm always the one to go there (twenty minute drive for me, it would take over an hour and two buses for her to come here).
She's told me more than a few times that she stays up very late (maybe 3am) watching tv, but falls asleep on the sofa.
How she can fall asleep in the morning at 10am is beyond me, though. Wouldn't you make sure you were up and ready?
Strangely enough, if she has hospital appointments at 9.30am, she's out and ready....

OP posts:
puds11 · 20/01/2020 11:03

I can’t stand perpetual lateness. It smacks of your time being less valuable than hers. I wouldn’t bother.

gypsywater · 20/01/2020 11:03

Has she got sleep problems? There must be a reason she over sleeps?

Original poster
katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 11:03

StayingStrong24 No, just herself and cats. Her partner is out at work.

OP posts:
Tombliwho · 20/01/2020 11:04

Yanbu its disrespectful. I know someone similar and while I stay friendly with her i never arrange outings with her. She's late to everything, even getting kids to school and she just laughs it off because it's just her "thing".
I'd stop arranging things with her. You don't have to fall out about it. Just cool off.

SarahTancredi · 20/01/2020 11:04

Does she routinely miss trains and buses and flights ?

Has she been fired from work for being late?

Of not then she simply doesnt care enough about you and your time to make the effort and I'd stop bothering tbh

Original poster
katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 11:04

Oldraver That's just a waste of a text. She won't be. l'll be sitting there waiting while she puts her face on.

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 20/01/2020 11:05

My friends and I are generally fairly easy about times so it doesn't bother us if we're just having a night in and one doesn't arrive til 9pm. But if we have trains/actual plans then we do arrive on time.

She sounds rude and I'd just go without her if you need to be somewhere else. Especially if you're impacting someone else by being late.

gypsywater · 20/01/2020 11:07

Is she off work today? Maybe wants to sleep in if a day off?

Original poster
katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 11:08

Tombliwho
SarahTancredi
She's the only friend l have here (l moved here four years ago and l don't know anyone else locally) - she's kind to me in other ways, but seems to have no concept of time or arrangements.
She doesn't work because of ill health. She says she has social anxiety, won't talk on the phone (l've rung her mobile on a few occasions, she doesn't answer or even text back), but she's very friendly and chatty with people when we're out.

OP posts:
Dandelion1993 · 20/01/2020 11:09

Get there and say let's go. If she wants to do her face then say 'okay I'll see you there then'.

Original poster
katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 11:09

SarahTancredi She doesn't work. So doesn't miss trains or buses. She just does her own thing. She worked for years (so l know she can organise herself!), she was actually a manager for a long time.
l have no idea why she does this.

OP posts:
Curiosity101 · 20/01/2020 11:09

YANBU and I'd not put up with it as long as you have, you're obviously a very patient person Smile

If you want to be happy and maintain the friendship it sounds like you need to explain to her that this is an issue and start making the whole 'being late' her problem and not yours.

For example if I arrived and expected it would be an hour before she would be ready I'd probably say something like 'If you're not ready in 15 minutes then unfortunately I'll have to leave you here.'

And if she turns up late to wherever you're meant to be meeting stick to your timings (although do be sure to explain to her in advance that you're going to need to arrive and leave on time). So If you're meant to be eating together order food whenever you need to so that you can leave on time. Or if you were just meeting in town to have a browse around some shops I'd start browsing without her and then tell her where you are so that she has to come find you and again make sure you leave on time.

It may be a shock to her though - as it sounds like this behaviour has been 'acceptable' for a long time. Ie. she may genuinely have no idea how frustrating it is from your perspective?

TotHappy · 20/01/2020 11:10

Will she care if you just tell her that you're not going to bother then? Just do something else! Don't wait!

Original poster
katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 11:11

Dandelion1993 We're going out for lunch. lt's difficult to get where we're going without transport. lf l'd just been going shopping l could have been there and back without the bother by now.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 20/01/2020 11:11

My brother is like this. Last two Christmas Eves we have invited him around here, always late. This last one, he was almost an hour late. We had put food together here and basically it just went cold.

It's not as if he had any reason either. He was staying at my parents place and that's only about a mile away.

What annoys me is, he doesn't even acknowledge he's late. I'm taking a view on next year. It's just bloody rude to be like that.

Insideimsprinting · 20/01/2020 11:11

Why the hell are you putting up with it?

If she really wants you as a friend she will take on board why you won't put up with it and make an effort, if she doesn't then forget her.

billy1966 · 20/01/2020 11:12

You have clearly taught her that this is an ok way to treat you OP.

You have to own that.

I would not be treated like that by anyone a second time.

If I were you I would go out and do something else and when SHE calls you, tell her you have made other plans and were not prepared to have your day off ruined by her rudeness.

Otherwise suck it up and except being treated like you and your time doesn't matter.

You are obviously chasing the friendship......never a good idea.

Save your petrol and do something else.

Otherwise expect this behaviour to continue.

Good luck.

Damntheman · 20/01/2020 11:12

Houseworkavoider has it!

Fuck I hate this kind of thing, it drives me batty. This is quite a divisive topic here though as there are people who just genuinely can't seem to get anywhere on time for #reasons.

I have friends like yours; if I enjoy their friendships enough I have just learned to roll with it. So I'll add a couple of hours on and lie about when we're actually meeting, that way we both arrive at the same time. In my head it's like my friend with social anxiety, I know the changes are high she'll cancel on me and I've accepted that. So no big deal, reassure her, move on, plan a new date. Late people? Lie about meeting time, or accept that you'll not be getting going for a few hours after you wanted to.

It sucks, my sympathy.