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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is always 'running late'.

241 replies

katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 10:52

FFS. Arranged to go out with my friend today. l've only seen her briefly in the last month, haven't been out together for ages.
Without fail, almost every time we've arranged to go out, l've either had a text saying she's 'running late', 'fell asleep' or something similar. And l can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times she's actually been ready when l've got there. There seems to be no concept of other people's arrangements or time wasted.

Just had a text. "Sorry l fell asleep (? - it's half ten in the morning!) - should (!) be ready for 12.30". Usual time is 12:00, because it takes her that long to get ready. l've been ready to go out of the door for nearly 2 hours.
On one occasion last year, we arranged to go to meet another friend of mine for about an hour (for a specific reason) before she (other friend) went to work. When l arrived at my friends to collect her, she'd only just started putting her makeup on. (Which takes forever. At least an hour). She sat there, painstakingly putting her face on, no hurry, no sense of urgency whatsoever. The result being that by the time she got ready, we didn't leave her house until after the time we'd actually agreed to meet my other friend. Twenty miles away. By the time we were halfway there, my other friend had to leave for work. So l wasted god knows how much time, and forty miles worth of petrol for nothing.

ls it me? Or is it cheeky and bad mannered?
l work. She doesn't. So my days off are precious to me. AIBU to be annoyed, yet again? She's otherwise a good friend.

OP posts:
RunForBurritos · 20/01/2020 22:51

I sure am tiresome, it's okay though, I am popular Grin

UsedtobeFeckless · 20/01/2020 22:56

I've got one of these - she suggests she picks me up ( l live between her house and the local town ) names a time and then doesn't turn up until 1/2 an hour to an hour after that. It's been going on for years so l don't really rate my chances of changing her ways now! I can't say l like it but l'm sure she'd say "Oh, Feckless knows what l'm like ..."
Thing is, it didn't used to bother me and then she just got later and later and l started getting peeved, but by then it was an established pattern and l would have felt really awkward saying anything!

messolini9 · 20/01/2020 23:25

@RockinHippy I am very sorry about your & your daughter's debilitating condition. Flowers

However - the thoughtfulness & courtesy of your post makes me wonder how you react when you are unavoidably made late by your illness - & I bet you are full of apology & explain that you had no intention to be rude or inconvenience anybody.

OP's friend, however, doesn't give a shit.
Ill or not, her lack of courtesy & consideration is gobsmacking.

gypsywater · 20/01/2020 23:31

@RunForBurritos I'm sure you are, with being an exciting stickler for time keeping and a bore on threads Grin

Mlou32 · 20/01/2020 23:31

I've got a friend like this. We'll arrange to meet in town at say 12. I get a text at 12.30 to say sorry on the way down. She'll then turn up about 1. I used to just be so pleased to see her when she turned up as it meant that I wasn't standing there like a muppet anymore and I'd say nothing. But then I got sick of it. It really is a case of someone not respecting you or your time and thinking that their time is so much more important than yours.

Now, I'll give said friend 20 mins max then leave. No warning, no 'where are you' text, nothing. I just message to say either 'hey, take it you're not coming so I'm leaving, catch up another time' or I'll say 'sorry I'm meeting someone after I see you so there's no point in us meeting up now as we'd only have 30 mins or so before I need to leave and meet the other person, so I'll just see you another time'.

Equanimitas · 20/01/2020 23:38

I honestly have no idea else I'd do it surely?

It's really never occurred to you that, if you started getting ready a bit earlier and left earlier you could avoid being late, @popolopodos?

youcancallmequeenE · 20/01/2020 23:42

What you permit you promote.

Also, you can't change what she does. You can only change how you react to it. The consequence isn't really your problem.

Katypyee · 21/01/2020 00:04

She is saying your time isn't as important as hers. I would not be cool with this at all.

Either have it out with her or give her a time to meet and always plan to be there an hour after you say, then hopefully either she is ready, or she gets the message that what she is doing is not cool.

popolopodus · 21/01/2020 00:10

@Snowpatrolling going to have to apologise aren't I Wink

Pumpkinbell · 21/01/2020 02:31

I am with you OP and I would rather be ready and waiting if someone was coming for me.

Next time Tell her you will pick her up at at say 11:30, when you really mean 12 then you may stand a chance of her being ready on time. (It might work Hmm) Other than that start arranging to meet her at places rather than picking her up. If she asks explain nicely that whilst she doesn’t seem to like to be on time for things / keep to times as arranged with friends you don’t like to be late so you will be making separate travel arrangements each time.

Original poster
katseyes7 · 21/01/2020 09:19

Thank you everyone, definitely some food for thought! l'm going to have a think about the way forward. l don't see her every week like l used to, and l don't have time off work for a few weeks, so that gives me a chance to consider what to do.

OP posts:
maureen17 · 21/01/2020 17:40

YNBU! I had a friend like this ... she is still a friend ... I/we as a group accepted we couldn't/never change but still loved her .. do what you feel is right for you xx

nuitdesetoiles · 21/01/2020 17:48

YANBU she's selfish, entitled and flaky by the sounds of things! I had a very direct conversation with a certain friend about this last year. She's now always on time...if not early!

I'm "letting go" a couple of other people due to their perpetual lateness, last minute cancelling, and inability to commit to plans. Interestingly they don't work and have ++ free time...or are self employed and work when they please! Life's too short, I want to live it not be waiting around for disorganised people all the time....

cherish123 · 21/01/2020 17:48

I once had that. I was my DC's party as a toddler. Got a text from one of the mothers to say her DC was having a nap so she had one too and didn't wake up. 🙄Crikey. She was an adult. Adults need to be responsible. If you have made an arrangement, stick to it.

littlemisspigg · 21/01/2020 17:53

You need to make more friends, and give this one some space.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/01/2020 17:55

These problems on MN always confuse me - she is your friend, why can’t you just speak with your friend and tell her that it’s really frustrating y to o be always waiting for her.
She’s obviously a person who doesn’t value being punctual but if you don’t tell her that it bothers you then how is she to know.
I always take “meet at 12” as “meet at 12ish” and would happily rock up at 12.15.
But if a friend to old me that it was frustrating for them then I would make an effort y to o be early. COMMUNICATE, she’s your friend.

user1470132907 · 21/01/2020 18:05

Friend who does this. Known to be 4 hours late yet always on time for work. I rarely meet her on her own any more as a result.

NeopreneMermaid · 21/01/2020 18:16

My husband is consistently 1.5 hours late for everything. I now either:

  1. Tell him we have to leave/be somewhere 1.5 hours earlier than we actually have to be;
  2. Tell him we're leaving/meeting at whatever o'clock and if he's not there, I go without him.
M2B19 · 21/01/2020 18:20

Lateness to this degree is exceptionally rude and to continue doing it is worse. It shows complete and utter disrespect for anyone else and their plans/time. I’d tell her she’s got to get better at timekeeping, lightheartedly at first and then more blunt if she didn’t listen. Just because she’s your only local friend doesn’t mean you have to put up with it

Sakura7 · 21/01/2020 18:21

I had a friend like this. It's so inconsiderate. She was an hour and a half late for her own wedding, which was in a freezing cold church in winter. So us guests had to sit there for two and a half hours. Lots of less than impressed people that day!

DaphneduWarrior · 21/01/2020 18:27

I have CFS, severe depression and anxiety. And I used to be one of the chronically late people - I’d lie in bed too scared to get dressed because I was too scared to leave the house. Or I’d lie in bed crying, then realise I was going to inconvenience my friend because I was late, which would trigger a panic attack. Or I’d fall asleep - sometimes at 10am, an hour or two after getting up, and be too groggy to go out.

But I realised that none of this was ok. It wasn’t ok to leave people waiting around for me, and I couldn’t expect them to wait indefinitely.

So now I only arrange to see friends on rare occasions - if I’m meeting someone one evening, I know I won’t be up to meeting anyone else for a day or so. If I have to travel into a busy area to meet someone, that will knock me out for several days afterwards, so I don’t make other arrangements until I’m well enough.

I try to give people notice if I’m not well. I try not to cancel last-minute anymore. I try to be as honest as I can.

My illnesses aren’t an excuse to waste other people’s time. IMO, it’s up to me to manage them as best I can.

I think you should tell your friend the truth, OP. You really aren’t doing her any favours by putting the blame on yourself for cancelling.

FelicisNox · 21/01/2020 18:27

YANBU and I had a friend like this.

It's rude and selfish but some people have zero concept of their own lateness.

Sit her down, tell her you love her but this lateness has to stop or you just won't make any more plans with her.

Some people just don't realise how rude their behaviour is, mainly because no one tells them.

tolerable · 21/01/2020 18:37

tell her you'll be there an hour before you intend to be

mummytraveller · 21/01/2020 18:59

As someone who struggles with lateness.. YANBU to be annoyed. Is she ill? That's the only reason I'm late Confused and if you're running late, skip the makeup! She sounds rude for not even trying to hurry up

Lillyringlet · 21/01/2020 19:08

Glad to hear you putting your foot down.

I have a friend who is useless with her time. She always late. She was two hours late for a two year olds birthday which was only three hours long... She claimed she got caught up in traffic but another mum friend came from the same place with no issue.

She turned up two hour too late the next time. I took her for a walk in the woods with her son and dog and told her "we need to take this route so back when toddler wakes up so husband can get back to work" and she kept trying to go "ooooo let's go on this long route this way" or stopped and made a phone call... Toddler woke up, dad figured it was faster to dress her and walk her to us and run back than it was too wait. He was right.

Next time she knew I only had a short window of three hours. She was supposed to be arriving at 9.30 and promised to be on time. She called at 11.15 that she was just getting in the car an he I told her not to bother as it would be 12 by the time she arrived giving her only half an hour. "bit can't you just cancel or move stuff" no the toddler needs to nap at that time to be awake for her appointment... Tough.

Yesterday she rang to meet up. Sure but let's do it in town so if she's late or something I can keep the kids happy and sort out a few things that I needed to. An hour after she most definitely was going to leave and be on the train... She was just heading to the train station. 10 minutes later is a call of "so I forgot about a different friend who I promised to see so I'm going to see her instead"

This is the Same lady who was late an hour and a half to her own leaving party. I love the lady but her time management is just non existing and constantly having to defend to people why I still try to meet up with her.