Friend is always 'running late'.

[katseyes7]

FFS. Arranged to go out with my friend today. l've only seen her briefly in the last month, haven't been out together for ages.
Without fail, almost every time we've arranged to go out, l've either had a text saying she's 'running late', 'fell asleep' or something similar. And l can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times she's actually been ready when l've got there. There seems to be no concept of other people's arrangements or time wasted.

Just had a text. "Sorry l fell asleep (? - it's half ten in the morning!) - should (!) be ready for 12.30". Usual time is 12:00, because it takes her that long to get ready. l've been ready to go out of the door for nearly 2 hours.
On one occasion last year, we arranged to go to meet another friend of mine for about an hour (for a specific reason) before she (other friend) went to work. When l arrived at my friends to collect her, she'd only just started putting her makeup on. (Which takes forever. At least an hour). She sat there, painstakingly putting her face on, no hurry, no sense of urgency whatsoever. The result being that by the time she got ready, we didn't leave her house until after the time we'd actually agreed to meet my other friend. Twenty miles away. By the time we were halfway there, my other friend had to leave for work. So l wasted god knows how much time, and forty miles worth of petrol for nothing.

ls it me? Or is it cheeky and bad mannered?
l work. She doesn't. So my days off are precious to me. AIBU to be annoyed, yet again? She's otherwise a good friend.

l've just texted her and cancelled.
Bloody good for you, well done!

Said l have to be back earlier than planned and it's not going to work time-wise.
It's a shame you didn't feel able to tell her the real reason, & gave her a polite get-out instead, but baby steps OP!

You really do need to be more direct - the wording of your text makes it look like you had to postpose for YOUR reasons, instead of telling her that it is for HER lateness.
Next time, please be courageous & tell it like it is? - "We arranged for 12, you are late again, it won't give us enough time so let's postpone."

We'll see what she says!
She'll accept the postponement, but absolutely no responsibility for it.
You need to make it much clearer, & demonstrate cause & effect to her. ('You were late, I'm not accepting it.')
The text you sent gives her too much leeway to make the postponement your fault. She will be thinking "oh, Katseyes had to leave earlier than she thought, so she's cancelled"
instead of "wow, Katseyes won't meet me because I'm late."

Who suggests the meet-ups? If it’s her, then next time tell her only under the condition that she is ready at x time. Your days off are valuable and you’re not wasting them waiting around watching her put on make up or whatever else she thinks is more important.

If it’s you who suggests the meetings- don’t.

See what happens.

I had a friend like this. I used to tell her two hours before the actual time I wanted to meet. Very annoying. My mother is also like this. She actually made me an hour late for my own wedding

I'm not saying this is the case, because it absolutely might not be - but I suffer with anxiety and depression, and when I'm feeling bad, this happens to me.

It is 12.20pm, I got up 20 minutes ago, am still in my PJs, because I absolutely can't find the energy to go and get dressed. I work from home, with flexible clients, and I chose this job because I know how much I struggle, and I'd rather work than claim benefits for my mental health issues.

Do you think this could be the case with your friend? Sometimes there's nothing I want to do less than get ready and go out in the morning, and it does take me a while to psych myself up.

All I have to do today (other than the usual work) is drive to Tesco and do the food shopping, and that's why I've not been able to get out of bed, as I'm dreading it. Why the hell would that happen?!

Just saying there might be something more to it.

Some people are genuinely just rude and disorganised, though.

She won't change. You can either bin her, accept it or make arrangements in such a way that doesn't waste your time. E.g. let's go see a movie. I'll meet you there. And go in by yourself if she's late.

but I would avoid getting it fraught with other issues and notions of ‘disrespect’ when so far it looks like it’s a simple practical issue of you having differing approaches to punctuality.

Lovely measured & thoughtful post @NellWilsonsWhiteHair -
but I'm strongly in the 'disrespect' camp.

Tardy Friend manages perfect timekeeping for things like hospital appointments. She simply won't manage it for OP.
Agreeing to meet at X o'clock to travel on to meet another friend, but then calmly & selfishly applying makeup for an hour upon your lift's arrival is a breathtaking display of egotistical power-play - not a 'different approach to punctuality'.
Tardy Friend can cope with punctuality just fine when it has consequences for her (e.g. hospital appointment that she will lose if she is late).
She has taught OP to hang on for her, so her lateness has no consequences for her & she doesn't give a damn about consequences to, or the feelings of, OP.

Changing the way OP deals with that doesn't need to get 'fraught'.
Fewer words, more action:
say a time, stick to it, if Tardy is not ready, move on without her. Stay calm & pleasant, but quietly insistent that your plans are made & you are sticking to them with or without Tardy, is the way to go.

I used to have a friend like that who lived around the corner.
If we were attending the same events she would ask for a lift and walk round to my house.
Got fed up with waiting around so I changed the way I would reply.... When I would get a text asking what time event starts I would reply with I am leaving here at 2.30pm.

Spend the time you are wasting on this woman meeting some other people.

Well said, @unfortunateevents

I hate lateness. It’s just so selfish!
I know someone like this and it’s always doing her make up or something equally as frustrating. She was late to our friends wedding once as she was getting her make up done professionally. Selfish. We don’t speak now (not because of the lateness though!)

Well done @katseyes7 for texting her to cancel but I 100% agree with the wording of the text could have been more explicit in exactly why you're cancelling, as @messolini9 suggested "We arranged to meet for 12 and as you're late again, it won't give us enough time so lets postpone".
Keep sending her these text messages if you arrange and she runs late/falls asleep/couldn't be arsed. She is showing you that she doesn't value your time as much as her own so that is why she keeps doing it.

Best of luck with it.

I agree about setting limits; for example, "Let's meet up at 2 o'clock, but I'll have to go at 3 to collect my nephew from school" Then, if she isn't ready, "Oh what a shame, I don't want to pay for late class, so I'd better go now. Let me know when you're free again"
Or "Dad's relying on me for a lift to the station; he wants to have a few glasses at his Masonic "do" tonight, so he's not driving - he has to get train X"; she won't expect you to let other people down, will she?
I don't know your circumstances, but I'm sure you can give a plausible reason. Personally, I'd have gone to the meetup with your other friend. I agree with PP's who suggest meeting up at a specific occasion, with a breezy "See you inside when you get here" or if it's a group thing, "I'll tell them you're on your way" if she tells you by text that she's running late.
Perhaps your car" needs some attention"; does she rather enjoy having the chauffeur (chauffeuse?) sitting there patiently awaiting her pleasure?

You need to tell her about the impact her timekeeping has on you and how it makes you feel

PS It would drive me up the wall and male me feel utter.y disregarded / disrespected )

she won't expect you to let other people down, will she?

She won't give a shit. Look at the anecdote about going on to meet a 3rd friend together, in the initial post.

You'll have many people on here defending lateness, but it's rude and selfish to be late all the time. Everybody is delayed now and again. But she's acting like your time isn't important.
I give people 15 minutes- if they don't call/text I just get on with my day alone. If they call me later I tell them where I am and that they are welcome to come and meet me if they want (or that I'm back home and busy)

Very bad manners, and treating you with contempt. (I hesitated to say contempt, but really that’s what it is.)

OP, I wouldn’t arrange to meet her at a set time. Do what you’re planning and just tell her where you’ll be if she wants to join you. For lunch, I’d tell her “I/We’ll be in X cafe till 2pm. If you join us, you’ll need to order food before 1.15”. Make it clear you can’t stay later.

But mainly, I’d try to make more friends locally. Really worth joining a hobby group or evening class or going to local events if you possibly can make time.

You did the right thing cancelling. And I would cancel each and every time she pulls this shit in future. I can't bear people who think their time is more important than yours.

I have a friend who does this. I think it's incredibly rude. Like saying, 'I matter more than you.' I used to get around it by cheerfully saying, 'That's fine. I play a game to see how many jobs I can get done between the time you say you'll arrive and the time you arrive.' But now I just add twenty minutes to her arrival time and am always twenty minutes late for her too.

I too had a friend who thought nothing about keeping us waiting whilst she did whatever it was that made her time more important than ours. The last time she was invited (to dinner at ours) we started eating at the time I said we'd start eating, as the dish was pasta and would spoil if we hung about. She arrived 90 minutes late and was outraged that we hadn't waited for her, but we just looked at her and said we weren't prepared to sit waiting all evening for her and have the food I'd spent hours cooking spoil. There were a few salad leaves and a slice of garlic bread left for her. She's never done it again, but that's because she's never been invited again. She's a nice person and I'll happily meet her in the local pub (cos if she's late, I have other friends to speak with) but anything that involves a specific time is now a non-starter.

I’d give her a time limit - more than 5 or or 10 minutes late, and I’m off.

A dd had a friend like this, invariably very late, or not turning up at all. The one thing you could 100% rely on with that girl, was that she was 100% unreliable. And she was another who took forever to do her make-up.

YANBU.

I had a friend whi did this all the time. Eventually I just arranged to meet her elsewhere - said I wasn't able to collect her - then went to meet the others and she arrived when she was able. On 4 occasions I had to leave after 20 mins of her getting there and 2 of those occasions it was just us. She was annoyed with me but once I started to value my time she learnt to as well.

My ex was like that. So was my ex-MIL.
It was horrendous, wherever we went, we were always late.
Once we were supposed to go to my family for a lunch. He knew the time for few days. On that day I told him we need to start getting ready. He kept watching the TV.
I got dressed, told him see you there and left. Saw him running after a bus but he had to wait for the next one and came half an hour late. He had the cheek to tell me it was my responsibility to look after his time keeping and remind him constantly of our appointments.
He's ex for a plethora of reasons. This being one of them.
OP, you should have told her the real reason. She will never learn otherwise. What she is doing is awful and irresponsible.

My MIL is like your friend. She seems genuinely baffled about why she is always late but has now also got to the stage where, since no one other than DH has ever told her it's irritating, she doesn't worry about being (sometimes hours) late meeting friends because 'they know my luck, and how I always get delayed'.

She does think she is trying to be on time, but that circumstances outside her control stop her. She never leaves more than the absolute minimum time to get somewhere, but never considers whether she might need to leave more time or make plans so she can leave on time. For example, we recently arranged to collect her to go out for lunch with other family members. When we arrived 15 mins before the time we said we would be leaving, she had not got dressed, as she didn't want to mess up her outfit before she went out. Understandable, but she had not picked out her outfit, or put make-up on (as she prefers to do it when she is dressed) and will not consider leaving the house without it. DH told her to get ready quickly but she was adamant that there was no rush as it only takes 10 mins to get to where we were going. So she put the kettle on, then took a call from her friend and chatted for 10 mins ('but I was only chatting whilst the kettle boiled'), then made a cup of tea, then started trying on outfits and chose one, then had to finish her tea before she could put her make-up on, then changed her mind about her outfit ('it's not my fault it's colder that I expected'), then chose shoes, then had to wash up her cup before she would leave ('it only takes seconds and I hate to get home to washing up'). So we left the house 45 mins later than we should have been at the restaurant. Then there was traffic on the roads (like always). When we arrived she even commented that she had no idea how we were so late.

I have lost count of the number of times DH has tried to explain to her about planning how much time things actually take, and leaving extra time. When we had to catch a plane with her once we lied about the time we needed to check in but even by adding an hour we had to fight to get there on time- when we arrived to collect her she was still 'putting the final touches to my packing' and wanted us to stop off at the shops for her to look for another cardigan! (We refused)

If she's relying on you for transport, she needs to fit in with you - not the other way round. No way would I sit for an hour watching her do her make-up.

I don't mind lateness if it's just a few minutes but persistant lateness by over an hour is still annoying.

I know p people may not necessarily mean it, but that doesn't make it any better, when you're waiting for hours by yourself, feeling like you're not as important to your friend as they are to you.
On a brighter note you could always listen to this, to cheer you up.

I know it's infuritating and it sounds pretty loopy - but then again, I would second people who are talking about it being an outcome of an anxiety problem. I used to be 'the late one' for years (still am, to one extent) and trust me, I never saw my own time as being more important than anyone else's, rather the opposite. I suffered severely with an anxiety disorder (which also makes you perceive time differently) and a sort of defeatist attitude, which made me compulsively late. It's almost like a way of arranging your life so that you can beat yourself up, pemanently. And of course it only makes it worth that you're attracting people's (genuine?) wrath. If only it was that simple that all of us late people were arrogant pricks. Although I'm sure there are plenty of those around, the reasons for perpetual lateness are as complex as is humanly possible.