Friend is always 'running late'.

[katseyes7]

FFS. Arranged to go out with my friend today. l've only seen her briefly in the last month, haven't been out together for ages.
Without fail, almost every time we've arranged to go out, l've either had a text saying she's 'running late', 'fell asleep' or something similar. And l can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times she's actually been ready when l've got there. There seems to be no concept of other people's arrangements or time wasted.

Just had a text. "Sorry l fell asleep (? - it's half ten in the morning!) - should (!) be ready for 12.30". Usual time is 12:00, because it takes her that long to get ready. l've been ready to go out of the door for nearly 2 hours.
On one occasion last year, we arranged to go to meet another friend of mine for about an hour (for a specific reason) before she (other friend) went to work. When l arrived at my friends to collect her, she'd only just started putting her makeup on. (Which takes forever. At least an hour). She sat there, painstakingly putting her face on, no hurry, no sense of urgency whatsoever. The result being that by the time she got ready, we didn't leave her house until after the time we'd actually agreed to meet my other friend. Twenty miles away. By the time we were halfway there, my other friend had to leave for work. So l wasted god knows how much time, and forty miles worth of petrol for nothing.

ls it me? Or is it cheeky and bad mannered?
l work. She doesn't. So my days off are precious to me. AIBU to be annoyed, yet again? She's otherwise a good friend.

We had friends (a couple) like this and it was infuriating.
They were both as bad as each other.
Things deteriorated after both families had children. Stood waiting as an adult is one thing, but with kids it's worse. One time we were sat sat waiting in a restaurant for 30 mins only to get a text saying "just setting off", and they were 20mins drive away, so they made two adults and two toddlers wait for around 50 mins for them.
Later we realised if they had arranged to meet someone at a time, they would basically start thinking about setting off at that time, and not ever factor the journey time in.
We had enough in the end and stopped suggesting meetups, and accepting meetup suggestions, and have been much happier since.

It's incredibly bad mannered and I won't stand for it. I'm never late for anything.
It shows that she doesn't think your time is important at all and you have nothing better to do than hang around for her.
I won't tolerate anyone like that in my life.

Before l started this job in June, l used to see her every week. Every time she was late to a degree - sometimes five minutes, sometimes half an hour.
But now l'm working, my days off are precious. l don't want to sit around half the day waiting for someone else.
We usually arrange for 12 noon. l could be there for 10.30am, even taking things slowly here, have a few hours out, lunch, and be back home by four.
Not leaving her house at half one, and me getting home at six or later.
l think now she's not working she's lost all sense of organisation and timekeeping. l haven't, so l'm going to have to be firm. Any 'delays' and l cancel unless it's for a damn good reason.

We had friends (a couple) like this and it was infuriating.

I'd have been gone by the time they arrived.

I do think it's particularly rude to be late when someone is driving out of their way to pick you up as well. I mean someone being late to the pub is one thing, I can have a drink, read a book, look at my phone. But I think I'd have to say something if I had to sit and watch someone put makeup on for an hour.

I hate lateness, and I have experienced a friendship where the friend literally had no concept of how her lateness impacted other people. She didn't have any kind of social anxiety btw which could have impacted her, and was happy to turn up 2 hours later than arranged if it suited her. I stopped arranging to meet her in public places and I made our play dates with her and her kids were at my home on days when I knew I had plenty of jobs to keep me occupied, or I wanted to spend playing time with the kids so that the impact on us was lessened a bit. Whenever I went to her I had to text her 20 mins before leaving home just to make sure she remembered we were coming.

I once tried to talk to her about it, and I explained as a mum with a full time job I do have to organise my time, and I cant really afford to spend hours of it waiting for her and she said I was very controlling and trying to make her conform to a rigid routine - we didn't see each other much after that!

After talking about it with another friend she said something to me that really helped me which was that it doesn't matter whether other people find lateness acceptable or not - what matters is that its perfectly ok for me to decide not to engage in friendships with people who are always late because of MY views on lateness.

I unfriended someone over this.
My DH told me that I was a bit to blame as I " let her" behave like this instead of saying something.
But honestly, who needs to be told about basic manners and obvious stuff like, don't spend an hour doing make up when we only are already late? The very fact that it doesn't even occur to them says it all.

Some people just don't get it. One of my friends would say she was coming on blank at blah, then turn up at least an hour late every time with no warning. It's as if it never dawned on them that other people have things to do too.

Either drop the friendship entirely or if it means a lot to you then in future, start telling her to meet you at an earlier time than you intend to arrive. So for example, tell her to meet at 12 but you only arrive at 1:30 or 2, you know she’ll be late anyway.

Arrange to meet her at-a certain time then always turn up an hour later. See how she likes it

"Maybe something for her to think about"

Why would she be thinking she's missed out because of her lateness/falling asleep? You told her you couldn't go because your plans had changed. She is completely oblivious because you took the blame and allowed her to be.

Whether she's being U, or you are is depending on more details.

On the surface she is BU, but I suspect there is more to this & she may have chronic health issues, if so, you show lack of understanding for how that goes & therefore YABU

TheFormidableMrsC l've tried that. Then l get a text about the time l'm due to leave the house saying she's slept late/running late/had something happen to make her late.

Then you text back "oh how disappointing, I was looking forward to seeing you but as you are running late again I'll have to go on without you this time" AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. No justification, no apologies - because YOU are not the one fucking with the arrangements.

"Maybe something for her to think about"

Why would she be thinking she's missed out because of her lateness/falling asleep? You told her you couldn't go because your plans had changed. She is completely oblivious because you took the blame and allowed her to be.

This ^

Your friend has no idea you cancelled because she was running late, she thinks you've cancelled at short notice because something has come up and is probably thinking wow how rude you are for dropping her at the last minute for different plans, complete oblivious to the real reason which was her text about running late.

Nothing will change because you still havent told your friend its an issue, you have made her think that you are the problem today not her.

Honestly before dropping that ex friend I did the " oh you're late? We are starting to wat without you then" text. I also made a point of leaving early.
The final straw was when, after sending yet another stupid " leaving in 20 minutes" text , at the time we were due to meet ( meaning I was already there and would have to wait another hour with my toddler) I told her not to bother, that I had wasted a trip, and that she really should have told me earlier. Her reply? " okay have a nice afternoon". No apology. I was done then.
She had the nerve to contact me again several times after that to " catch up". No self awareness . Your mate might be the same.

I get that we kind of let it happen, I do. We accept it a few times and then it becomes the norm and there is always some sob story about how such and such is making their life so hard etc ... but yes we do need to toughen up and be straight, sooner rather than later.
But I doubt their behaviour changes. They just blame it on someone else and refuse to admit it.
Same result though, best to stop meeting.
I have no regrets.

It’s definitely infuriating. My partner and all of his family are like this, as well as my best friend, and my partners best friend. I’m surrounded by them.

I add 1 hour to anytime they all suggest and this is normally correct. Otherwise, I end up getting ready and then twiddling my thumbs for the hour...it drives me nuts as I mean a time when I say it, and will be promptly ready! With partner’s best friend, we just show up late now.. completely goes against my nature so is always a bit fraught for me ha.

My partner is hilarious though in that he gets so irate when his parents do it to us... they were an hour late on Christmas Day (arrived at 1 instead of 12pm), despite his mum phoning us the day before and being disappointed we hadn’t invited them over for 9.30am! As if. He thinks it’s because they didn’t bother wrapping presents the day before. The absolute height of rudeness tho on Xmas day, and he was so angry...

I have learnt to cope with it with him by

a) adding an hour to whenever he says he’ll get home (I have told him I do this, and he always looks at me like I’m a bloody wizard when I point it out when he gets home bang on my expected time . )
b) seeing him as just delightfully optimistic (I don’t know why this helps but it does)
c) ignoring him if he says he’s going to “pop” somewhere or “just be a minute” as he genuinely has a different understanding of what that means compared to me!

I do this because this is really his only flaw, and he is lovely otherwise. With everyone else, I find it hard to be so charitable... but truth is, if he goes out to see a friend, they’re like old fish wives and can’t stop chatting, he just is a bit optimistic in not accounting for it!

I’ve seen similar threads before where some posters say their persistent lateness is beyond their control and it’s because they “perceive time differently.” Hmm, I’m not sure. If you’re self aware enough to explain it away like that, then make adjustments and start getting ready earlier or catch the earlier bus etc. If you know you’re like that, you know enough to manage it

This. My parents were both persistently late, particularly my mother. As a child (pre-mobile phones), I was always the last one waiting to be collected. Friends' mothers were forever trying to take me home, convinced that my mother couldn't possibly be so late without a good reason, like a puncture. There was no reason, except that I didn't matter enough to her to be on time .

I accept that it is easier for some people than others to keep track of time. I do not accept that anyone without LD is unable to learn to be on time, most of the time.

I was part of a friendship group who were always late. They were all from the same culture and I think lateness may have been more acceptable. One time I was invited for one of their birthdays. I turned up AN HOUR later than than the time stated on the invitation. There was no-one there. Turned out I was the first to arrive! (This was at least 7-8 people).
I think it feeds into itself in that if you're used to everyone being late you start turning up late yourself and on it snowballs.

I have a friend like this. I now:

• make plans where meeting her is ancillary & I will just go about my business regardless of if/when she turns up.
• never aim to be there less than 30 mins after agreed meet time
• I inform her of my plans and she can slot in with them or not as the case may be.

As a result I dont see much of her. That's fine.

My XH was like this. So disorganised that he would always have to sit and check Facebook before we left the house, or do 'stuff', so we were always late. Just before we split up I asked him about it and he admitted that it was a control thing. HE decided when we left the house.

OTOH, my mother hated being late to such an extent that, if she was staying with me and we were heading out at nine, would be sitting on the sofa, fully dressed, handbag on knee, asking how much longer I would be, from about seven onwards. Which is just as rude, but the other way!

With the friend who used to turn up for me, I genuinely forgot one day she was coming and took my son to see his nan and grandad. I got a phone call about 3pm to say are you going to let me in? Oops. She was supposed to be coming at 1pm mind you. We never arranged anything again, but so many times like that, I thought oh I'll do that after she's been, but ended up losing the whole afternoon waiting around. I'm not the most punctual person in the world, but if I'm going to be more than 10 minutes late, I'll message.

I couldn't be arsed with all that palavar

Arrange to meet her at-a certain time then always turn up an hour later. See how she likes it

That happened to me.My friend was always late.Had arranged to go somewhere with her,i overslept.Well she didnt like it one bit.I left her standing in town,blah,blah,blah.

I lost it and told her she was constantly late,this was the first time i had been late.I really gave her both barrels.I ended the friendship,that wasnt the only reason.But it was a big part of it.

I've now spotted the post that confirms that your friend does have a chronic illness & as such the lack of empathy & understanding on this thread makes me so sad.

I'm going to leave this link here to go some way to explaining why your friend does this, but will also add that both DD & I are chronically sick.

We have to sit it lie down after a shower or bath, we can then pass out leading to losing time. Some can also suffer a kind of waking seizure, where you literally zone out & lose time. I've sat down with a coffee with an hour to go before I need to leave & come to an hour later when the phone rings to see where I am.

Some conditions can mean you feel tired & weak, sit down & fall asleep without even realising that has just happened.

When facing the world, the full face of make up is a mask we wear, especially on particularly bad days, DD calls it putting her "well face" on.

We understand that it's a PITA, trust me it's way more so for us & it's been made to feel shit about it that leads us to give up trying & so become isolated.

If your friend had a broken leg, I doubt anyone here would be showing such lack of understanding & sympathy. Just because the illness is invisible, that does not make this okay. Especially when symptoms of invisible illness can very often be more debilitating & painful than a broken leg.

YABVU, but you are in good company as borne out by the replies here & it's something we all deal with daily.

You need to have a conversation with your friend. It's okay that you don't like to be messed around, but you need to understand that your friend genuinely cannot help it & it's very likely the part of her condition that she hates the most. If you really care, find ways to work around it that works for you both

www.fmnetnews.com/coping-resources/coping-advice/letter-to-normals