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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is always 'running late'.

241 replies

katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 10:52

FFS. Arranged to go out with my friend today. l've only seen her briefly in the last month, haven't been out together for ages.
Without fail, almost every time we've arranged to go out, l've either had a text saying she's 'running late', 'fell asleep' or something similar. And l can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times she's actually been ready when l've got there. There seems to be no concept of other people's arrangements or time wasted.

Just had a text. "Sorry l fell asleep (? - it's half ten in the morning!) - should (!) be ready for 12.30". Usual time is 12:00, because it takes her that long to get ready. l've been ready to go out of the door for nearly 2 hours.
On one occasion last year, we arranged to go to meet another friend of mine for about an hour (for a specific reason) before she (other friend) went to work. When l arrived at my friends to collect her, she'd only just started putting her makeup on. (Which takes forever. At least an hour). She sat there, painstakingly putting her face on, no hurry, no sense of urgency whatsoever. The result being that by the time she got ready, we didn't leave her house until after the time we'd actually agreed to meet my other friend. Twenty miles away. By the time we were halfway there, my other friend had to leave for work. So l wasted god knows how much time, and forty miles worth of petrol for nothing.

ls it me? Or is it cheeky and bad mannered?
l work. She doesn't. So my days off are precious to me. AIBU to be annoyed, yet again? She's otherwise a good friend.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 20/01/2020 11:12

Strangely enough, if she has hospital appointments at 9.30am, she's out and ready....

This makes my blood boil! So what she is saying (probably subconsciously) is that you are not that important and that they will not shift themselves for you in any way. I think people like that are fucking arseholes! If you call them out on it, they generally go all wide-eyed and innocent and wail “I cant help it!”. If you can make it to appointments on time then yes you bloody well can.

TheCakeCrusader · 20/01/2020 11:13

Perhaps, you also need to stop enabling this friend’s behaviour too by calling it out directly ie. stating that this has become a habit and that you do find it disrespectful of your time given. Before she can give any excuses about being late to a prearranged meeting, say that you’ll not be hanging around anymore. Put the ball in her court and if she continues to behave in this way, start to back off from future arrangements.

Curiosity101 · 20/01/2020 11:13

l have no idea why she does this.

I have a friend who is perpetually late. He's a great and really lovely person but his timekeeping is abysmal (and he admits as much). However... he's only late because he can be... ie. people make allowances for it.

As a rule I don't meet up with him often enough for it to be an issue, but one example was that a group of us went out for dinner and he was running 20 minutes late. He texted us his meal order so we could order and start eating without him. I think if I spent more time with him he'd drive me mental Grin but as it's infrequent we always figure something out.

Original poster
katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 11:13

HouseworkAvoider10 The problem with doing that is that it's still wasting my time. And she'll likely suss what l'm doing, and still not be ready when l get there.

OP posts:
Hahaha88 · 20/01/2020 11:13

You're partly to blame here for enabling her behaviour, especially in the case where you were meeting another friend. How rude to your other friend. Why on earth would you even think she'd be able to meet you still if you knew she could only meet for an hour because of work and you didn't even set off until after the arranged meeting time?? Put on your big girl pants and tell her this behaviour isn't on and if she can't start being ready on time, you're going to stop making arrangements with her

eminencegrise · 20/01/2020 11:14

I'd cancel and stop meeting up with her.

Pop2017 · 20/01/2020 11:14

I totally get your pain. I’m up early every day and often motivated to get out and about early whilst others I know are not and I also have a few friends and relatives who are always bloody late. It infuriates me!

People just aren’t great at time keeping or being organised!!

Tombliwho · 20/01/2020 11:14

I guess you're choosing to put up with it then. I wouldn't but it's entirely up to you.

Damntheman · 20/01/2020 11:16

Interestingly enough, the last time I invited perpetually late friend to a dinner party (DH insisted as it was his birthday), I told him if he showed up late he would be eating cat food. He was the first to arrive :o :o

OP if she'd suss you and STILL be late, then I think I'd find myself some new friends and not bother any more. What does she say when you challenge her on it?

AriadnesFilament · 20/01/2020 11:17

You’re letting her do it so she’ll carry on.

You need to stop pandering to her. Agree a time. If she’s not ready or you get a bullshit text saying she’s fell asleep/got eaten by a cat/kidnapped by aliens or whatever then you reply and say “ok, well that’s a shame, I’ve made plans for later on that I can’t change. Let me know when you’re free again to catch u0 and we’ll reschedule.”

Equanimitas · 20/01/2020 11:18

l have no idea why she does this.

Have you tried asking her? I have a friend who used to be like this: I once went on holiday with her and she kept missing out on planned activities because she just couldn't get ready in time. Subsequently it became clear that in fact that was, sadly, the early signs of a mental disorder which left her virtually housebound.

Sheld0r · 20/01/2020 11:18

YANBU! I have a friend like this and it really annoys me. She's never been on time to any meeting. One time I went to pick her up on our way to another friend and when I arrived she shouted from her window that she's nearly ready and will be out in a minute but then she left me sat in my car for 45 mins waiting for her whilst she carried on getting ready. I kick myself now for not driving off! I avoid meeting up with her now because I know she'll be late or cancel on the last minute.

Original poster
katseyes7 · 20/01/2020 11:19

l've just texted her and cancelled. Said l have to be back earlier than planned and it's not going to work time-wise. We'll see what she says!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 20/01/2020 11:22

have no idea why she does this

I take it you have actually spoke to her, asked her and told her how fed up you are?

Letseatgrandma · 20/01/2020 11:24

I wouldn’t put up with this at all! I’d rather have no friends than a shit one like her.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 20/01/2020 11:28

Good on you for cancelling, OP!

I really hope it gives your friend pause for thought, but I suspect not... Perpetual lateness often goes hand-in-hand with a spectacular lack of awareness of other people's feelings Hmm

SameOldHorrorStory · 20/01/2020 11:32

I would tell her next time you’re not driving and she has to make the long bus journey over to you or to wherever you’re meeting for X time. If she is more than 10/15 minutes late carry on without her.

See if she can overcome her social anxiety which makes her unable to phone people and phones you to ask where you are then... Hmm

cleaning247 · 20/01/2020 11:35

Agree with not enabling her. My husband does this. If we are meeting people at 12 he starts getting ready at 1155. I just leave without him when I can and if we are tied to the same car I tell him we are meeting people at 1130 so we've got a chance of being on time.

I've also got a relative who does it every time for family meals. If we are lucky they turn up 15 minutes late but easily up to an hour. Now I just serve at the time I said I would and make up a plate for them. They were a bit shocked at first but I don't think it's fair to end up serving everyone else overcooked food so one person can have a chilled out morning.

LochJessMonster · 20/01/2020 11:37

I was in a friendship the same as this and its crazy how much it wears you down. It use to make me feel like shit because I obviously was not that important to her and I would keep getting my hopes up to be let down.

The best thing I did was to stop arranging plans. Sad but definitely better for my MH.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 20/01/2020 11:37

I’m not sure all this “she’s showing you that her time is more valuable than your time” is necessarily very helpful. If she (truly) is otherwise a very good friend, I think there are basically two options - one is to say ‘this is frustrating for me because it wastes my precious time, can you sort it out in future’, the other is to recognise that this is how she is and mentally adjust the agreed meeting times accordingly so that the rest of your day is not wasted.

I know a number of people who are very relaxed about agreed meeting times, perpetually very late themselves, totally not bothered when other people are just as late to them. I think it’s unhelpfully divisive to insist it’s about bad manners, when often it’s just about different expectations. If I’m meeting a friend who is like this, I don’t worry about rushing out to be on time myself, and I meet them somewhere like a nice coffee shop where I can happily have a drink and read my book while I’m waiting for them. It’s no problem to me. Sitting around their house, waiting for them to put their makeup on so I can ferry them out somewhere to meet a friend who doesn’t have much time available so can’t really tolerate delays? Yeah, that would be a problem.

I guess you can either ask her to buck up or adjust your expectations of her - either option fine - but I would avoid getting it fraught with other issues and notions of ‘disrespect’ when so far it looks like it’s a simple practical issue of you having differing approaches to punctuality.

drivingtofrance · 20/01/2020 11:38

She does it because she can.

Well done on your text. Enjoy your day.

AwdBovril · 20/01/2020 11:38

I'd cancel (I see you have) & tell her why. Bluntly. She can't expect people to be considerate of her feelings when she has so little respect for theirs, or their time, effort, etc.

misspiggy19 · 20/01/2020 11:42

You let her treat like you this so you only have yourself to blame. Suck it up

WombatChocolate · 20/01/2020 11:43

I think we all have friends like this and one if the reasons they persist in being late is because we are too cowardly to tell them we mind and get the sense that we don't.

I might have replied to the text saying 'okay, i will wait for you, but do you realise you're always late and I'm left hanging around waiting for you? Please will you make sure you're on time from now on'

So, I'd move the onus onto the next meet-up. Most people would reply to this with an apology and try harder next time.

The thing is, some people have no consideration for others and their time - they might be good fun and have great manners in all other ways, but in this they are entirely selfish. I have a friend who is the epitome of manners and politeness......except she is regularly over an hour late to anywhere we meet up. Excuses are often that teenage DD (who is coming too) was asleep and she wanted to let her catch -up in her sleep. So, it's okay for me to be waiting outside somewhere for an hour while DD lies in. Unfortunately the DD now has not sense either of other people's time, but she hasn't been taught it.

I did once text when we made a plan 'can you confirm you'll be on time today - I don't want to waste ages waiting for you'

Sometimes lateness is unavoidable and cutting friends some slack is important, but there is a point beyond which it just is hugely rude and shows a lack of consideration. As others said, these people make it to meetings at work on time and don't miss flights or trains....so it is a choice to be late......and in the end not good treatment of a friend.

Confronting it might result in an apology and improved timekeeping. It might result in short term improvements, in which case the message mig need to be delivered again. It might cause annoyance and tension or the end of the friendship.....but to be honest, if this happens over what is a reasonable point, was it worth hanging onto anyway (for hours at a time sometimes!)

PineappleDanish · 20/01/2020 11:43

She's a selfish fucker who does not value your time. Her time faffing and "running late" is more important to her than yours. I cut off a "friend" for the same reason - one day I just wondered that the hell I was doing, kicking my heels waiting for her to get her act together. Don't miss her at all.