Friend is always 'running late'.

[katseyes7]

FFS. Arranged to go out with my friend today. l've only seen her briefly in the last month, haven't been out together for ages.
Without fail, almost every time we've arranged to go out, l've either had a text saying she's 'running late', 'fell asleep' or something similar. And l can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times she's actually been ready when l've got there. There seems to be no concept of other people's arrangements or time wasted.

Just had a text. "Sorry l fell asleep (? - it's half ten in the morning!) - should (!) be ready for 12.30". Usual time is 12:00, because it takes her that long to get ready. l've been ready to go out of the door for nearly 2 hours.
On one occasion last year, we arranged to go to meet another friend of mine for about an hour (for a specific reason) before she (other friend) went to work. When l arrived at my friends to collect her, she'd only just started putting her makeup on. (Which takes forever. At least an hour). She sat there, painstakingly putting her face on, no hurry, no sense of urgency whatsoever. The result being that by the time she got ready, we didn't leave her house until after the time we'd actually agreed to meet my other friend. Twenty miles away. By the time we were halfway there, my other friend had to leave for work. So l wasted god knows how much time, and forty miles worth of petrol for nothing.

ls it me? Or is it cheeky and bad mannered?
l work. She doesn't. So my days off are precious to me. AIBU to be annoyed, yet again? She's otherwise a good friend.

l got a reply back. "OK. No probs. xxx"
That was it. So l went off and did my own thing, and l'm back home now. lf l'd gone to see her we'd just be leaving her house now.
l'm back to work so l shan't be making any arrangements for a while. And when l do, l'll make it clear that if there's any "soz, fell asleep" texts, l shan't be going.

It's so bloody rude! Why does she think it's ok?? Its like her saying " oh well, your time isn't important to me". My SIL was late all the time. We had a table booked for a meal once at 7.00. They turned up at 8.15! She decided to have a shower at 7.00- the time when she should have been sitting down at the table! Her and her family had no sense of urgency, never apologised for keeping people waiting and just expected everyone to twiddle their thumbs and hang around for them.
Because of this we no longer go out with them- I'd had enough of them treating us like we didn't matter.

I had a friend like this, she was never on time to meet me. I’d have 3 kids ready and at the park or wherever it was she said to meet and shed rock up 2 hours later kids were fed up and ready to go home then she’d complain when we left an hour after she got there.

Or I’d meet her after work after being up from 5 she’d moan I’d leave after a couple of hours nothing was ever enough & along with her being a completely selfish bitch when I’d done a lot for her she could not understand my circumstances I just thought I’d move on from her She is toxic
Best thing I ever did, hard if she’s your only local friend but join meet up ( I did) meet other people join clubs walk a friends dog etc

You need to toughen up and show her consequences.

You're facilitating her. Stop that. Say no. Say, 'I'm going now, sorry you won't be able to join us this time'.

The time you were supposed to meet your other friend before she went to work, you knew the timing. What were you playing at, waiting for late friend to do her make up? You knew, the moment she started on the make up, that it would not be possible to meet the other friend. At that point you had a decision to make, which was; go alone, or cancel with other friend. The fact you did neither, then drove half way there, suggests you're as much of a fantasist as late friend.

People are late for people they can get away with being late for. People who are often late themselves. They don't do it for fixed appointments, or for people who will get up and leave.

*...it only make it worse (not worth)

Unless it's becauser of ADHD or similar, where she just can't help it, it's horribly rude and I hate it.

I had a relative who was always late, it was so frustrating. The final time she was "5 minutes away" from meeting us at the gates of London Zoo. We waited 50 minutes on a cold February morning. We were cold and fed up by the time she arrived and I have never arranged to meet her somewhere since. We go where we like and I tell her where we'll be in case she wants to join us, but she's no longer central to our plans because of the number of times she let us down.

Manage your contact with this friend, OP, because she isn't going to change.

The ridiculous thing is, she's cut her nose off to spite her face. When l originally suggested going out today, she said "oh, brilliant, l'm desperate for XXXX, l got some vouchers for Christmas so l can get my stuff then," - where she lives is a small place and only has small supermarkets/ hairdressers/post office etc.,
Her partner has a car. He works through the week, but they do things at weekends. lf she's that desperate for XXXX, why not get him to take her to get it? She lives 10 miles away from me. So before we do anything, it's a 20 mile round trip for me.
So, today, she because of her tardiness, she hasn't got the things she was 'desperate' for. Maybe something for her to think about.

You need to toughen up as PP have said. Make an arrangement, and as soon as the first excuse comes - cancel it or tell her to meet you there.

If I had been your other friend, btw, I'd have told you not to bother making arrangements with me for pulling that stunt. You should have left Tardy doing her face and gone to meet your other friend.

Does she contribute to fuel costs?

Also don't do that thing where you give her a time 2 hours earlier than the real start time. A) she'll cotton on and B) it's infantalising her. Do her hospital consultants do that for her appointments? I bet not.

I don't, now, have any friends who do that. Mostly because I'm an army brat and was in the army so I can't stand lateness. But also because I don't let people mess me around. I have one friend who can never be on time. We let her do her thing and if she arrives somewhere after we've left (has happened more than once) it's tough.

My sister is like this ive started making the time to meet a half hour earlier than we actually need to leave to make sure we're not too late

if its work shes fine socially she doesnt seemt ot hink tis a problem to be late

Goof for you op yes she can go another time and they can deal with it

what were you playing at, waiting for late friend to do her make up?

I'm frequently baffled at people who are hours late who even with "reasons" such as make up, feeding the cat etc where it is physically impossible for it to take as long as it did. How does make up take an hour. How does the bus you say you are on thats a 15 min journey turn into an hour and a half . How does buying a newspaper on the way take nore than 30 seconds if it's on the way. Walk on shop grab pay job done.

Imo these people are liars on top. And what this picking outfit for hours stuff . Grab Jeans and a t shirt out the wardrobe and put on. What's so hard. Its already bought so you already presumably like it and it fits it's not like you are having to choose a dress for a wedding searching through web sites. You have already done that bit. It's been chosen.

*good

I’ve seen similar threads before where some posters say their persistent lateness is beyond their control and it’s because they “perceive time differently.” Hmm, I’m not sure. If you’re self aware enough to explain it away like that, then make adjustments and start getting ready earlier or catch the earlier bus etc. If you know you’re like that, you know enough to manage it.

I’ve currently got an annoying friend on FB who keeps posting jokey memes about people who are always late and how wacky and hilarious that is. And her other friends are “liking” these status updates and saying “ooh yeah that’s definitely you that is, lol lol.”

I posted a comment about how I find people being late really annoying and she went all defensive saying she’s NOT always late and she can’t help it and she’s got anxiety etc. So I said people being late give ME anxiety. But apparently that’s not the same and I don’t understand and I’m just mean.

I've got a friend like this, who I adore, but it drives me to distraction. No urgency whatsoever, late every single day for work, turned up an hour and a half after a roast dinner I'd cooked was ready, I could go on and on. I mean we're all late occasionally, it happens, but if I am more than 10 mins late to something I am really stressed out. Years ago I used to take a little girl to school as a favour for her mum who didn't drive. I asked her to have child read for 8.30 on the dot so I could just sweep her up and go. IT NEVER HAPPENED. We'd be sat there for a good 15 mins, every day, while book bags were located, missing uniform/shoes were located, then her hair needed to be done. We were late every day for months. It didn't matter how many times I repeated that I needed her to be ready, they had no sense of urgency at all and were completely oblivious to the fact. My own DD who was a stickler for routine and being on time got more and more distressed with it and the final straw was when she was given a red card for being late every day. This was a kid who did everything by the book and she was so upset. So I stopped it, I just said I couldn't do it anymore. I felt bad, especially in bad weather, but for fucks sake, why can't you be ready when somebody is doing you a massive favour?

I think, OP, you have to change the timings if you don't want to end up losing your temper with this. Tell her to be ready for 10.30 when you want to pick her up at 12...and then turn up at 12. See how she likes it. It's so rude to do this.

And when l do, l'll make it clear that if there's any "soz, fell asleep" texts, l shan't be going

Good. Yes sometimes anxiety can hold you back but she can clearly do it for other reasons. If you cancel each time shell stop telling you she's running late. It'll be on you then to leave when you see she's not ready. That might be a bit harder.

Shell never change OP. But good for you for cancelling this one.

It is rude of her. Either tell her to come half an hour earlier than when you intend to go there, or turn up half an hour late yourself.

So I said people being late give ME anxiety. But apparently that’s not the same and I don’t understand and I’m just mean.

But @PuppyMonkey, of course it's not the same.
Your 'friend's' anxiety, just like her time, are far, far, more important than yours.

is, not are!

Also I don't know how it is taking her an hour to put on make-up. It takes me no more than ten minutes at any time.

TheFormidableMrsC l've tried that. Then l get a text about the time l'm due to leave the house saying she's slept late/running late/had something happen to make her late.
Fortunately l'm back to work this week and l'm not off again until March so l'm going to put my foot down for next time.

Juliette20 She sits there, applying it painfully slowly. Even if l get there and she's all done except her lippy, it takes her about 15 minutes.
First, lip balm. Then primer. Then lip liner. Then one coat (she uses the matt colours that stay on for hours). Lets that dry. Then another coat. Lets that dry. Then the sealer.
lt's a work of art, but also, literally, like watching paint dry.

People like this never feel guilty.

Blimey, sounds like DIY. I think I've applied a coat of pain to my hall in less than an hour.

paint

I’ve seen similar threads before where some posters say their persistent lateness is beyond their control and it’s because they “perceive time differently.” Hmm, I’m not sure. If you’re self aware enough to explain it away like that, then make adjustments and start getting ready earlier or catch the earlier bus etc. If you know you’re like that, you know enough to manage it.

This... is bang on...

OP, I think you're going to have to be very blunt with her in that case. It's just bloody rude. Some people seem to float along in their own little world regardless of how it impacts on others. I hope you find a way to sort it out but my God you've got the patience of a saint. Mind you, I've got another friend who always arrives very early unannounced. Again, that drives me mad. So if she finds me in my knickers with wet hair then that's tough