Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up a good job to be a SAHM?

169 replies

RosieAway · 05/03/2019 15:58

My job is good, decent pay, not my passion but it’s easy-ish money. BUT as I left on mat leave so early (due to high risk pregnancy) even with hols tacked on, my baby will only be 10 months when I’m due back.
I’m not young, baby was a long time coming and I enjoy looking after her. Partner earns enough to cover us, BUT we’re not married and it’s not a 100% rock solid relationship lately
So AIBU to give notice on my job? They will let me freelance, but that’s kissing goodbye to security. However I don’t want to have waited and tried years for my baby only to let someone else look after her at this age.
Seems like I’m damned if I don’t, damned if I do Confused

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 05/03/2019 16:01

If you're not married, I wouldn't give up my job.

KateGrey · 05/03/2019 16:03

I personally wouldn’t give up your job. I did but two of my children have disabilities. Being a sahm whilst lovely isn’t always easy and more often than not quite boring. If you’re not married I’d be loathed to give up my security.

ItsalwaysLTB · 05/03/2019 16:06

OP only you can decide what is right for you and your family. However I did what you did and if I were to make the choice again I would pay for the best childcare I could and go back to work. You are presumably a bit older, so have been earning your own money and being independent for a long time. Don't underestimate how hard it will be to give that up, especially if you are not married and your relationship is not great atm (although whose is after a baby?!)

BlueSkiesLies · 05/03/2019 16:07

Do whatever you want love.

Personally I think you'd be mad to give up work totally and make yourself much more unemployable further down the line, and much more financially vulnerable.

Progression, pension contributions, security worth a lot.

How about negotiating to go back 4 days a week, and your DP also goes to 4 days a week, and then the baby is only in nursery for 3 days?

ElspethFlashman · 05/03/2019 16:07

Nope nope nope nope.

Especially if your name isn't even on the deeds/tenancy.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 05/03/2019 16:09

I'd do freelance and get married for the interim. When baby is older, see if you can return on contract.

mckenzie · 05/03/2019 16:09

if I could do it all again, I would NOT give up my highly paid career to be full time mum. I would have (and back then I probably could have) insisted on returning part time.
I regret giving up my career. I've tried unsuccessfuly to resurrect it. Sad

WeevilKnievel · 05/03/2019 16:10

I personally think if you can work freelance for a while then go for it, The baby days are very short and if you're working you miss so much, first steps and other milestones potentially. You can never get that time back with your child. I realise it's not a choice for many.

Waveysnail · 05/03/2019 16:10

Sorry you would be mad. Could you take unpaid leave to stretch to 12 month?

MamaFlintstone · 05/03/2019 16:11

I went back to work when my DD was 10 months. At 7 months, 8 months and 9 months it all seemed unthinkable and unbearable and we were even talking about downsizing to a cheaper area so we could afford me not to go back to work. But 10 months I was ready and now at 15 months we’ve got a great routine going and I’m really happy.

Is part-time work an option?

Ultimately if you can afford to and you want to be a SAHM then go ahead, (but you do need to consider future security and how easy or difficult it might be to get back into your line of work in the future when/if you want to).

NataliaOsipova · 05/03/2019 16:11

I gave up a fantastically paid job to be a SAHM, for the reasons you outline. Don’t regret it; it’s fantastic being able to have the maximum time with my DC. But - and it’s a big but - I’m married and my DH is very strongly in favour of the arrangement (and, to be crass about it, money isn’t an issue). Would I have felt the same if we weren’t married? I don’t think I would; it’s no longer a joint decision/risk and all the risk is yours.

InDubiousBattle · 05/03/2019 16:12

How would you both feel about getting married? The potential rocky relationship would worry me a great deal, how does he feel about it?

Camomila · 05/03/2019 16:13

As you are not married my advice would be don't give up your job/security.

If you were married I'd say be a SAHM if you still have enough money for it to be fun. I love maternity leave but I had a maternity package to go to baby yoga/baby sign/out for cake I'm now back at uni (so often home with DS) and its much harder when you have little disposable income especially as they get older and want soft play/football lessons etc.

MsTSwift · 05/03/2019 16:14

I did but with rock solid marriage supportive dh and professional skills I could pick up later. Totally right decision for me but would worry you not married wouldn’t in your shoes

Cookit · 05/03/2019 16:16

This is a decision I’m facing too. I earn very good money and work is quite flexible, I can work from home once or twice a week and I leave at 5 on the dot so on paper I’d be crazy to leave.
I went back full time after number 1, which I only started regretting when he was 2+ and he’d beg me not to take him to nursery (he goes to a good nursery and seems happy when he’s there) and I’d be crying pretty much every train ride in.
Number 2 due fairly soon. I’ll take the year but then I’m considering going either part time or finishing altogether, I won’t be doing full time again but honestly I’m leaning towards being a SAHP.
Having a toddler at nursery is one thing but as 1 gets older the logistics of how it will work with school times and school holidays is starting to look really difficult. I feel guilty now for the time I’ve been away, even though I never ever miss bedtime so probably quite illogical.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/03/2019 16:17

No I’d not give up my job.

knitandpearl · 05/03/2019 16:18

If you're not married I wouldn't. However there are loads of ppl on here who issue dire warnings against giving up work to be a sahm whereas I think up to a point outs a personal choice.

I gave up a v good job to stay home with my baby (not my first baby) mainly as childcare logistics and other things made returning a bit of a headache. I don't regret it (yet!) - but I'm married and I see this as a temporary thing - I plan to return to work in a year or so. I've had a break from work before for other reasons and worried about being unemployable but went straight into a v good job so I'm a bit more relaxed about that.

LittleMissCantbebothered · 05/03/2019 16:18

Take parental leave to extend your time off, or do a phased return, doing a couple of days a week building up to full time. But whatever you do, do t quit your job. You may find you enjoy being back at work too, but you'll never know unless you try it.

katsucurry · 05/03/2019 16:19

Is a career break an option? We are able to take up to 2 years and return to the same grade without having to reapply. Your baby will be around 3 then so it could be a good time to consider returning to work?

ChoccieEClaire · 05/03/2019 16:26

Have you discussed with your employer about returning from mat leave yet?
They should be able to offer you to go down to part time, or condensing your hours into longer days or maybe some working from home time? If you tell them that you're considering leaving then they may be more flexible to accommodate you doing something other than F/T.
I personally would look at other solutions before leaving your job completely.

MrsRubyMonday · 05/03/2019 16:42

You also need to be careful about your maternity entitlement. I'm a HR advisor with a company that does HR for a number of other companies. Most if not all of their maternity policies state that anything over SMP has to be repaid if you don't return to work for a period of at least 4 weeks after your maternity ends. What they don't make clear is that being on annual leave or sick counts as being back in work, as long as your maternity leave has ended. We weren't allowed to tell people this directly, but we could confirm if they asked the question. Make sure you check your policy carefully, and if any of it is unclear to you, speak to your HR team and give them the scenarios so they can confirm what would and wouldn't get you into trouble xx

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 05/03/2019 16:47

In your circumstances absolutely not. I'd go back to work and start building up some savings in case things don't work out with your partner, given you say things are rocky.

Even if things were solid, I wouldn't reduce my earning potential if I wasn't married. It's not just about meeting the current living costs, it's pension contributions and future employability. You say you're not young, and the sad reality is is that it can be more difficult to get a job after a break.

You could look at taking 4 weeks parental leave at the end of your mat leave which gives you almost another month and make sure both you and your partner are equally sharing the load when you're back at work so that you're getting some quality time with your child.

When you say things aren't solid, is it fixable? Having a baby can be tough on a relationship (it was for mine anyway). Being a SAHM might put more pressure on it if there are already some cracks.

RomanyQueen1 · 05/03/2019 16:50

I gave up work in a flash, but was married and well protected should something happen.
If you think you may split up, then don't do it as you aren't protected as not married.
Get him to marry you first, make sure you own 50%, then give up work.

soontobefour4 · 05/03/2019 17:12

I was going to say go for it until I read that you're not married and have doubts about the relationship. I gave up a good job to be a SAHM and have no regrets, but I wouldn't have done so if I wasn't married.

Mummyshark2019 · 05/03/2019 17:16

Nope. Stay put. You are not married and will be depending on a man to look after you and child. You said yourself the relationship was not stable. You have a responsibility to be able to provide for your child so stay put.

Swipe left for the next trending thread