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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up a good job to be a SAHM?

169 replies

RosieAway · 05/03/2019 15:58

My job is good, decent pay, not my passion but it’s easy-ish money. BUT as I left on mat leave so early (due to high risk pregnancy) even with hols tacked on, my baby will only be 10 months when I’m due back.
I’m not young, baby was a long time coming and I enjoy looking after her. Partner earns enough to cover us, BUT we’re not married and it’s not a 100% rock solid relationship lately
So AIBU to give notice on my job? They will let me freelance, but that’s kissing goodbye to security. However I don’t want to have waited and tried years for my baby only to let someone else look after her at this age.
Seems like I’m damned if I don’t, damned if I do

OP posts:

Original poster

RosieAway · 07/03/2019 12:18

hedgeharris thank you. I do see you point about being easier to leave as babies, and I’m coming around to it...

MRex have tried to have an open, honest talk MANY times. He always avoids it til crisis point. Like now. It does help though. He just wants me to take his word for it that he wouldn’t leave me high and dry in case of a split.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 07/03/2019 12:22

A pre nup!

Unless he has some BIG assets, in which case fair enough, this man does not have your back.

On childcare costs vs wages it’s important to consider the medium and long term. Childcare is a shared cost - DP should pay more of it as he works and earns more? for your financial security you need to maintain as good a position as you can in the labour market, building up pension etc.

Loopytiles · 07/03/2019 12:23

Do not spend your savings.

MsTSwift · 07/03/2019 12:37

That’s the thing it is all equal and feminist until you have a baby and want to spend time with it. You sound so nice op this sort of set up makes my blood boil tbh as so ducking one sided

MsTSwift · 07/03/2019 12:38

Autocorrect censorship!

NataliaOsipova · 07/03/2019 12:46

I will be advising my girls that if they want to compromise their own earning power for the family/children they have to be married. These men can’t have it all ways hmm woman dredging round having their baby doing all the domestic stuff but he can decide to leave at any time and liable only for child maintenance you are high and dry

This. This 100%. And I say this as a SAHM who used to earn a fortune. It was a joint decision....and it’s a joint risk if the marriage breaks down. (Even so, a bigger risk for me because I’ve compromised my own earning power....but then I feel like I’ve had the bigger reward because I’ve been able to have all that time with my children. So it’s basically fair.) As you’ve said, if you’re not married, you’re entitled to nothing but child benefit if things end (and things tend not to end amicably, otherwise chances are they wouldn’t have ended at all when kids are involved.....)

CountFosco · 07/03/2019 12:49

A lot of women rediscover their feminism when they have children and discover they don't actually have equality.

He probably could do some of the drop off/pick ups if he wanted to. DH had a long and unreliable commute when the kids were small, he did the drop off every morning and started work later then worked late. I started work early and did the pick ups in the afternoon. He was also able to WFH if e.g. kids had a Drs appointment or there was a school play so he could share those responsibilities. We both worked PT (similar salaries so no point playing career top trumps). He has a great relationship with the kids because he did his half of the grunt work when the kids were little. And interestingly he's not been 'mummy tracked' whereas I was for a good few years despite us both working the same hours.

imprvgselfesteem · 07/03/2019 13:06

Don't do it get him to pick up some of the slack. Why? Confidence, financial equality, pension equality, confidence, and confidence.

hedgeharris · 07/03/2019 13:10

You also have to marry someone decent and accrue assets that aren’t hidden - my friend’s ex just didn’t provide his p60 or declare his bonuses and it costs money to pursue people legally.

SAHP is risky, I understand the emotional temptation and maybe you accept all the risks but it can be so costly - working whilst having small kids is a perfect example of long run benefit for short run cost. It is lovely to sah with children if that’s for you, but long term the cost rises and rises as earning power depreciates, your pension depreciates etc.

LondonBelongsToMe · 07/03/2019 13:12

as my friendly family lawyer said to me, FAR better to have a negotiated pre nup than not be married at all. You will still gain entitlement to spousal support and pension sharing etc.

notacooldad · 07/03/2019 13:14

In your boots, not a chance would I give up work.
You need to look at the bigger long term picture.

ElspethFlashman · 07/03/2019 13:52

Also, unless I'm very mistaken, pre nups in the UK are not treated in law as the be all and end all. In the US they tend to hold up unless they were signed too near the wedding (so one could argue you didn't have time to reflect/felt coerced) but in the UK there just isn't much enforcement of them in law.

I would consult with a solicitor but if I really wanted to marry, a pre nup would not be a deal breaker considering in the event of a divorce, the judge has the power to ignore it entirely.

Didiplanthis · 07/03/2019 14:12

Firstly absolutely dont throw away your security. Secondly I worked full time when dc1 was 6 months and part time when dc2 was 7 months. It was actually when dc1 went to school I dropped to very part time (but still working and maintaining professional accreditation) because they actually needed me more then and my job was very family unfriendly hours.

Loopytiles · 07/03/2019 16:02

Marriage reduces the risks somewhat, but not entirely. And divorce laws may well change.

My mother encouraged me not to be financially dependent on my partner or do more things (in addition to having DC!) to worsen my earning power, barring exceptional circumstances such as ill health.

Loopytiles · 07/03/2019 16:04

For example, before marrying I told DH tha I would not relocate for his job unless I saw good opportunities for my own career.

Petitprince · 07/03/2019 20:24

I'd definitely have the talk about marriage. If he says no, you know where you stand.

Petitprince · 08/03/2019 13:30

As far as his excuse about not leaving you penniless goes, there's always your comeback of saying that if you were married you wouldn't be looking to screw him over. Trust goes both ways.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 08/03/2019 14:22

A pre-nup can be overturned if it isn’t considered fair by a court and the agreement will become less relevant the longer your marriage lasts. Like a pp says, it’s better to be married with a pre-nup than remain unmarried.

AnotherEmma · 13/03/2019 18:09

How are you OP?
Have you made any progress with confirming plans to go back to work and organising childcare?
How are things with your DP and talk of marriage and a pre-nup?

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